Destiny of Dentata
by Aardvark123
Summary: When three youkai hell-bent on having Gensokyo for a slap-up meal break free from their prison, it is up to Reimu (well, who else?) to save her homeland. With a witch, a gardener and an unwanted ice fairy by her side, Reimu must face the greatest challenge of her career. But what hope does the world's hungriest shrine-maiden have against the women who would eat the world?
1. Chapter 1

**~Headcanon of the Week~**

Reimu is voiced by Emma Watson and/or Yui Ishikawa. Marisa is voiced by Veronica Taylor and/or Rica Matsumoto.

 **~Chapter One: The Midnight Feast~**

One fine Spring day, Reimu Hakurei came sauntering into town with a large, dark wooden box on her head and a huge smile on her face. The townsfolk stared in amazement as she leapt into the air, screaming for joy, and cartwheeled down the high street with her box held firmly in place. They knew it was nothing to worry about. After many years laden with Incidents, the people of the Human Village knew better than to doubt their beloved guardian; besides, there were coins falling out of her pockets.

"Ms Hakurei? Excuse me, do you have a moment?"

Reimu stopped mid-cartwheel. The box wobbled a little as she flipped over onto her legs, but remained planted on her head. Turning to face the excuse-me-er, she found herself looking upon a shortish blond man. "Oh, good evening, Mr Kirisame. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I was, ahum..." the man cleared his throat, "I was wondering about Marisa. Is she all right?"

"She's fine. She told me to say she's perfectly happy with your relationship as it is now, and she doesn't urgently want anything to change."

Mr Kirisame's face fell. "As it is? With us never seeing each other?"

"I suppose so."

Mr Kirisame breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh. "I forgive her, you know. For running off with Mima, blasting me through the wall and... y'know. All of that. I just want to see her again! Can you at least tell her that?!"

"I will."

"Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I, uh, wouldn't want to give you any false hope, though. I don't think Marisa really likes you."

"I suppose not," Mr Kirisame sighed. "What brings you to the village, anyway?"

"Sustenance. I did a job for Remilia Scarlet, for five thousand mon. Five thousand! I'm minted!" Reimu squeaked. "For the next few months at least, I'm going to eat well. I've gotta go, Mr Kirisame. My stomach won't forgive me if I wait another minute. 'Bye!"

"Tell Marisa I'm mildly fond of her!" Mr Kirisame shouted.

* * *

Reimu eventually came to a halt outside Tadashi's inn, Marisa's family issues already forgotten in her excitement. She dusted her box, straightened her skirt out a little and stepped over the threshold. She was greeted by the laughter of a dozen friendly conversations as the warm, golden glow of the fire washed over her, bringing with it the warm, golden smell of all the food she'd been dreaming of for years. Tonight was going to be the greatest night of her life.

Tadashi, fair play to him, spared neither Reimu nor her box a glance as she strode purposefully to the counter. A few of the other patrons were staring at her, whispering "Isn't that Reimu Hakurei?! But... but she's the...!" and stuff like that, but old Tadashi was as warm and businesslike as ever.

The landlord bowed low. Reimu returned the gesture, bowing as low as he did, which served to redouble the hubbub.

"She's so humble...!"

"How's she keeping the box up there?!"

"Glue? Magnets?"

"What if it's just some girl in a costume?"

"Either way, she sure can balance..."

"What can I do for you, Madam Hakurei?" asked Tadashi, ignoring the hubbub magnificently.

Reimu took a deep breath. "I'd like some pork dumplings, celery tempura, teriyaki chicken, lots of cabbage pancakes, a handful of gyoza, a few bits of deep-fried octopus, a gallon of rice and a big bowl of shabu-shabu to go, please. Oh, and an even bigger bowl of pork and potato stew to eat in, with a bread roll and plenty of natto. If there's any room left in the box, stuff it with biscuits and dried beans, please."

Tadashi blinked. "That... I, um... Uh, well, of course. I'll take the crate, if you don't mind. Please take a seat."

Reimu handed over her box and made for the sturdiest-looking table. She could feel herself beginning to salivate; as daintily as she could, she wiped her mouth on her sleeve. She'd been looking forward to this.

After an agonising wait of less than five minutes, a hot, steaming bowl of stew was placed before Reimu. Her first decent meal in weeks. She was going to enjoy this. Reimu dived in, pouring the warm broth down her throat as if it could disappear any second; it was only halfway through the bowl that she remembered her manners.

"You're welcome," the innkeeper said faintly.

* * *

"Ahhh! That was wonderful!" Reimu gushed as she staggered out of the inn, her stomach pressing hard against her belt and the food-box weighing heavily on her head. She was much too full to fly home, but it was a pleasant enough evening, and a nice leisurely stroll sounded perfect. It wasn't as if any youkai would trouble her.

"Reimu! Fancy seeing you here!" cried Yukari, stepping firmly in front of the shrine maiden.

Reimu was in such a good mood that not even Yukari could spoil it for her. "I'm stocking up on food, both internally and externally. What are you doing here?"

"Me? Nothing much. I was planning to pay you a visit, actually. I have some important news."

"Oh, right. You can tell me on the way home," said Reimu, skirting around Yukari and heading off to her shrine.

Reimu had been walking for a few seconds when the fabric of reality was rent asunder in front of her. Unblinking red eyes stared out from the gap alongside long, slender, grasping hands reaching hungrily out into the air. Ignoring the eyes and hands, Yukari stepped daintily out of the gap and shut it off behind her. "This isn't really the sort of thing I can tell you while walking at the same time, Reimu. Gensokyo is in terrible danger."

"Danger? What sort of danger?" asked Reimu, raising an eyebrow.

"The kind," Yukari replied, "which threatens to undermine its very existence."

Reimu's other eyebrow rose to meet the first. "Okay, I'm interested. What's the problem?"

"I'll show you," Yukari smiled, opening another gap. Hitching up her frilly purple dress, she stepped into the gap and offered Reimu her hand. Resigning herself to an evening of fun and games with the fearsome gap demon, Reimu thrust her food-box into Yukari's arms and stepped through after her.

* * *

"Yukari... this is a cave."

As Reimu stepped out into the dank, cold cavern, all she could think to do was state the obvious. A still pool of murky water covered the floor of the cave, disturbed by the occasional drip of water from the clustering stalactites above. A thin shaft of sunlight cast eerie shadows on the rough grey-brown walls. An unpleasant, musty smell filled Reimu's nose: kind of mineralish, kind of like the changing rooms at the Youkai Mountain rugby club. What caught her attention, though, was the faint tingle of magic on the air.

"Yep, this is a cave, all right," Reimu decided. "Very cavey. The epitome of cavitude. Now, what's the big deal?"

"Well, the issue is not precisely what is _in_ the cave, but what is _not_. Or rather, what has been removed," said Yukari. "Once, there were three women here, friends from school I remained quite close with until my early two hundreds. Now, there are none."

"Okay...?"

"Do you see that shaft of light?" asked Yukari, gesturing to the hole in the side of the cave.

"I guess..." said Reimu, examining the hole. Or rather, tunnel, stretching up through what looked like miles of solid rock.

"That tunnel was not here last week," Yukari whispered.

"Why are you whispering?"

Yukari leaned uncomfortably close to Reimu's ear. "Because it's... _mysteeeeeeriousss_ ," she hissed, taking a long sniff of Reimu's hair before leaning back.

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Okay, so there's three women who tunneled out of this cave, and they're going to destroy Gensokyo. Is that it?"

"Potentially," Yukari hedged.

"Just brilliant. How do I fight them?"

"Stop bathing, for starters."

Reimu blinked.

"You must stop bathing," Yukari repeated. "Judging by your hair, your last bath was three days ago, which should be just long enough. As long as you are dirty and foul-smelling, you will be protected from these people's greatest weapons."

"...What?"

"Surely you heard me."

"I did, it just strikes me as rather weird. Are you quite sure?"

"I am always sure."

"Are you sure you're always sure?"

Yukari blinked.

"I'll take that as a no," said Reimu, a small smile of satisfaction spreading across her features.

"Let's go. Your food'll get cold in here," sighed Yukari, spreading her arms wide to call a gap.

Nothing happened.

Yukari cleared her throat. "Let's go! Your food will get cold in here!"

The gap demon screwed her eyes shut. Sweat beaded on her forehead as she tore at the fabric of reality with all her strength, but to no avail. The gap would not come.

"Well, this is awkward," said Yukari, with a nervous laugh. "No gap. How strange."

Shutting her eyes, Reimu reached out with her mind to get a feel for the enchantments on the cave. There were some ancient, powerful spells there, more powerful than three of Yukari put together. Four of them might just be able to break through, and five definitely could, but still.

"I'm afraid it's not strange at all. This whole cave is enchanted against gaps," said Reimu grimly. "And any other kind of magic except anti-magic wards."

"What?! But- but I gapped us in here!" cried Yukari.

"Which I can only presume is what triggered the wards," said Reimu.

"Oh, fiddlesticks." Yukari shut her eyes, breathing heavily. After a few seconds of what Reimu knew was barely-suppressed panic, she opened them again. "Well, at least there's the tunnel out of the cave."

"The steep, narrow, slippery tunnel through miles and miles of rock," Reimu deadpanned. "What a fun little excursion you've managed to arrange for us. I'll be sure to tell all my friends about this amazing package deal."

"Meaning you'll be sure to tell Marisa," said Yukari, smirking.

Ignoring her, Reimu shunted her box into the tunnel. It was about a metre wide, its floor knee-high and its roof at her neck, so she'd have to crawl. Reimu slid herself carefully in after the box, bracing her arms against the rough, moist walls and her head against the box. Her legs, however, were going to be quite a challenge. "Yukari, can you give me a hand?"

"I'll give you both," said Yukari generously. Taking Reimu's ankles in a firm grip, she shoved the shrine maiden bodily into the hole. Reimu's head connected with the box, sending it bumping and rattling along as her nose was smushed against every bit of rock available. Muttering a plethora of swear words, Reimu braced her feet against what seemed to be the grippiest bits of rock and lifted herself up on one hand, the other ready to push the box ahead of her. With a final unprintable oath, Reimu began the slow, painful climb to freedom.

* * *

As soon as she got home, Reimu lit the fire, put a pot of water on to boil and flopped down on her bed, the scrawny mattress creaking in protest. Her legs, knees, elbows, hands, knuckles and forehead were so bruised and bloody she could hardly recognise them, her clothes were dirty and shredded, and all she wanted to do was curl up in a little ball and dream about frolicking kittens. Her coins clashed in her pockets as she flopped, a fair bit lighter now but still comfortingly heavy; that at least was one thing Yukari couldn't take away from her.

After a few minutes lying down, Reimu realised she was shivering. With just bare wood and flimsy plaster for walls, Reimu's house was nearly as cold as it was outside. The warm glow in her stomach had died out after the first mile or so of tunnel, and now that she was lying down, the heat from her aching muscles was fading. There was nothing else for it. She'd have to stand up.

Letting out a mighty groan, Reimu stood up. Gods almighty, she felt terrible. Why had she even bothered? Lying down was the way to go, preferably for weeks at a time. Who needed uprightness?

...Well, she did, all things considered.

Wrapping the least-flimsy blanket around her shoulders, Reimu poured herself a nice, hot bowl of green tea. Wisps of steam warmed the freezing air as she squeezed her box of food into the pantry, wedging it between half a loaf of stale bread and a mouldy yam. She'd been rationing the bread while she waited for the yam to grow some tastier mould; no point in that now, though. She could have toast for supper.

Reimu took a sip of her tea, savouring its hot, slightly bitter herbal deliciousness as the warmth soaked into her stomach. She knew she ought to sweep out the shrine, polish it a little, maybe empty all the money and presents out of the donation box. Yeah, some chance. It was late, though, and she had a heated table inside. She'd remembered to sweep up each night for three days running; why push herself? Satisfied that she'd carried out her duties to the highest standard, Reimu chugged down her tea and sank into bed. If she was lucky, she'd hurt less tomorrow.

* * *

There was a knock on the door. Startled, Reimu leapt to her feet, banging her head into the ceiling. Plaster showered down around her, filling her hair with dust and making her cough and splutter. What time was it now? It had to be past midnight.

"Ughhh... Who is it?!" Reimu called, a little more sharply than she'd meant to. She so badly wished she'd been able to sweep out the shrine.

"A visitor," came the reply. It was a woman's voice, deeper than average, with a faint but noticeable lisp. Not anyone Reimu knew.

"You'd better come in, then," the shrine maiden decided, quickly straightening out her skirt. She walked briskly to the door and opened it, only to find herself face-to-face with the most incredible pair of teeth she'd seen in her life. Even in the moonlight they glittered, jutting down past her lower lip like razor-sharp ivory icicles.

"I don't believe I've had the pleasure," said Reimu. "My name's-"

"Reimu Hakurei, right?" the woman smiled, proudly displaying all her shiny, unnervingly large teeth.

Reimu nodded meekly.

"I'm Hakiba Agohaka. Pleasure to eat you," the visitor introduced herself. "Oops, did I say "eat"? Sorry. I meant "meet"," she giggled. "Anyway, do you have any food? I'm starving!"

"I... um..." Reimu cleared her throat. She was the greatest youkai hunter in all the land. She could handle this. "I don't have much. I'm not in the best financial situation right now, so..."

"You're not? What about that job you did for Remilia Scarlet?"

Cursing Hakiba for knowing so much, Reimu backpedalled. "Well, I am _now_ , I suppose, but I haven't been for a long time. Today, I had my first decent meal for weeks. I can afford food for the next month or so, but I don't have much at this precise moment."

Hakiba nodded in sympathy. "I get it. My sisters and I haven't had a proper meal for over a thousand years."

"A... a thousand...?"

"We were sealed in a cave until a couple of days ago."

"A... a cave...?!"

"I don't wanna talk about it. It was as boring as being sealed for a hundred years, except ten times as long," Hakiba explained. She spoke in the most nonchalant tone, as if she was just making small talk about her batting average or a new hairdressers. "Now, about that food?"

"Would you like a bowl of tea?"

Hakiba nodded. The fire was still going, keeping the water nice and hot, so Reimu set about pouring another bowl of tea. She let her hands take care of the tea, turning her mind to her sabre-toothed visitor. Let's see, now, Hakiba had sabre teeth. She was tall and brawny. She had sisters. They'd been sealed in a cave for more than a thousand years. A _cave_. That was bad news. There was no reason it had to be _that_ cave, but a sinking feeling in Reimu's heart told her Yukari had been right on the money. Hakiba hadn't done anything threatening so far, though, so Reimu had to be nice.

"Do you know Yukari at all?" asked Reimu, trying to make it sound as casual as possible, just a random question to take her mind off brewing the tea.

"Yukari, eh? The name rings a bell. I think she was the disembodied head who did nothing but hop around telling me to "take it easy"," said Hakiba vaguely. "She ate all my food, that's for sure."

"...No, no, I'm talking about Yukari Yakumo, the ancient gap youkai who can manipulate the fabric of reality. She's blonde, extremely fit, quite a sharp tongue, mysterious, fond of calamari. You, um, _might_ have been to school with her? Or so I... don't hear? Um."

Hakiba blinked. "I don't know. All I really remember is helping my sister in Physics."

"Ah." That put a damper on things. Still, Reimu's mental autopilot had done a good job of the tea. She handed Hakiba the bowl, watching closely as the sabre-toothed woman chugged it down in a single almighty gulp. She'd have to feed her sooner or later; what was the tastiest thing she could offer?

"I've got enough bread for two. Would you care for some toast?" said Reimu hopefully.

"Honey toast?"

"...No, just standard toast."

"Oh. What've you got to put on it?"

"Nothing."

"But your house reeks of pancakes and fried octopus..."

 _Damn._ "Well, uh, technically, I have some deep-fried octopus. Octopus karaage, I believe is the technical term. It was going to be my breakfast tomorrow. Not really a proper toast topping, though, is it?"

"True. How about you have the toast and I have the octopus?"

"NO! No, you, uh..." Reimu took a steadying breath. "Okay, we'll both have it on toast."

"I don't want toast."

"...Fine." There was a hard edge to Reimu's voice now, an edge her friends knew all too well and her enemies knew even better. "Well, I'm having toast. _And_ fried octopus. You're welcome to just have fried octopus, but if you find yourself jealous of my toast-"

"Can I smell shabu-shabu?" asked Hakiba, sniffing the air.

Reimu groaned. "Okay, what would you most like to eat right now?"

"Gensokyo."

"No, no, I don't think you understand. What would be your ideal meal at this moment in time? What do you most want on your plate?"

"Gensokyo."

"You... want to eat... Gensokyo?"

"Yep. I wanna eat Gensokyo," said Hakiba matter-of-factly.

"...Okay. Fine." Reimu giggled. She didn't know why, but this whole line of conversation seemed so surreal. "Well, you can't eat Gensokyo. I'm sorry, but there are loads of people who depend on Gensokyo for their livelihoods. You can't just eat it."

Hakiba scoffed. "I don't care about all those people. I'll just eat them too."

"You... you'll eat them?"

"Yeah. Like this," Hakiba demonstrated, taking a bite out of her tea bowl. The pottery crunched and ground between her teeth, offering about as much resistance as a spoonful of rice, until at last she swallowed and licked her lips.

"You're... you're eating my bowl..." said Reimu faintly.

"Yeah. Sho?" said Hakiba obstinately, through a mouthful of china clay.

"I don't want you to eat my bowl! I like my bowl!"

Hakiba shrugged. "Not my problem."

"Of course it's your problem! You're eating the bloody thing!"

"The fact that you _like_ your bowl is not my problem," said Hakiba patiently.

Reimu screamed. "I've had it! Put down the bowl, you terracottavore! Get out of my house!"

"Shan't."

""Shan't"?! You have ten seconds, demon."

That got a reaction. Hakiba rose slowly to her feet, the cheerful, breezy look on her face giving way to a mask of righteous fury. "Nobody calls me a demon."

Reimu reached for her gohei, her gaze not once dropping from Hakiba's eyes. Her orbs would come when she called them, and she had enough magic to hold out if they were tardy about it. Energy coursed through Reimu's body. Her heart beat red-hot against her chest. A thousand paper charms waited to be hurled at her enemies. What did this sabre-toothed terracottavore have on her? Nothing!

Hakiba bit Reimu's arm.

Reimu screamed, struggling to wrench her stricken arm free of the terracottavore's jaws. She'd been spared the sabre teeth, but Hakiba's other teeth were no pushovers themselves, and Reimu's arm was as good as chomped. Desparately, she kicked at Hakiba's shins, succeeding only in stubbing her toes.

Hakiba released Reimu's arm, letting her fall to the ground. "Never kick a youkai, girl. Unless you're also a youkai, and even then you need strong feet. Whatever. I think I'll eat you first."

"Orbs, to me!" Reimu yelled, fighting through the pain to summon her yin-yang orbs. She'd used up a lot of her orbs' power yesterday, but there was enough left to put up a fight.

"Orbs? What-"

Whirling like a tornado and blazing with rainbow fire, a yin-yang orb smashed into Hakiba's head, sending her flying into the wall. And through the wall. In a shower of plaster and splintered wood, Hakiba tumbled to a halt by the donation box, a ferocious scowl on her face.

Before the ragged-edgd hole stood Reimu, grimmacing at the rows of bleeding punctures in her arm. This was going to smart in the morning. Her four orbs slowly circled her waist, glowing more faintly now that the immediate danger was over. "You're not getting so much as a nibble, _demon_. I am the guardian and chief incident resolver of Gensokyo, and if you don't give up your foolhardy country-devouring quest, I will destroy you."

Still scowling, Hakiba reached down and pulled up a clod of grass and mud. She tossed it into her mouth and chewed thoughtfully, giving Reimu a surly glare as she savoured Gensokyo's soil. "Mmm. Nice and peaty."

"Aaaaugh!" Reimu plucked a spellcard and a handful of paper charms from her pocket. "Dream Sign: Evil-Sealing Circle!"

An impenetrable ring of magic formed around Reimu. Barrages of charms lanced out in all directions, catching Hakiba unawares. The look of fear on the terracottavore's face almost had Reimu in a fit of laughter. Evil-Sealing Circle wasn't too hard to dodge if you knew what you were doing, but for someone who'd been sealed away in a cave for a thousand years it was terrifying. Hakiba ran straight into the charms. Most of them just grazed her, peppering her with static shocks as they slapped harmlessly against her skin and clothes, but a couple smashed into her chest. Hakiba fell to her knees, one hand over her heart and the other just about keeping her upright.

"Do you understand who you're dealing with now?" Reimu asked, her voice cold and menacing. She called all the surviving charms back with a wave of her hand.

"Yeah, whatever," Hakiba growled. "Most of those bullets didn't even do anything. I doubt you've been in a real fight for years. This, on the other hand, is a _proper_ spell!"

Glowing white bullets swirled out from Hakiba's hand, forming a whirling shield around her. Small, pointy and strangely tooth-like, they whistled through the air as fast as lightning. Steeling herself, Reimu leapt into the crisp midnight air, her enemy pursuing her as fast as she could without losing all her bullets.

A handful of the glowing teeth broke off from the shield, arranging themselves into a disc of razor-sharp death. A smirk passed over Hakiba's face as she launched the fanged Frisbee. Reimu swerved to the right, wincing as the disc whistled by and sailed off into the night, a few bullets tearing through her sleeve. The disc looped around and came for a second charge, aiming straight for Reimu's heart. She dove, her hair standing on end as the bullets whistled overhead. Giving herself barely a moment to aim, Reimu hurled a blast of magic at the disc, sending the bullets flying in all directions. Deprived of their pattern, the teeth began to fade out of existence.

Hakiba clearly didn't know about modern spellcard rules, which made her all the more dangerous. Reimu was determined to defeat her by the book; she was the one who wrote the spellcard rules, after all. If she let herself ignore them, what would that say to everyone else?

Four more discs of teeth were assembling at Hakiba's sides. All the colour drained from Reimu's face. To have this much control over so many bullets, Hakiba had to be a real master of danmaku. As Reimu watched in amazement, Hakiba hurled the the homing discs. They were coming at her from all sides. She knew she couldn't dodge them all, but she didn't necessarily have to.

Reimu launched her orbs. Shining like comets in the moonless night, the ancestral weapons of the Hakurei clan charged into the whirling bullets, shattering all but a few stray teeth. _Now, forwards! Pummel the demon!_ Reimu urged the orbs, absentmindedly ducking below the surviving bullets. Her orbs surged towards their target.

Then Hakiba gave her shield some new orders.

A thousand razor-sharp fangs surged towards Reimu. They had no formation, no real trick, but they had numbers. Countless numbers. Reimu dove desparately to the right. Bullets bounced off her skin, leaving her bruised and bloody, but if she could just get out of the way before-

A bullet thwacked into Reimu's heart. She let out a yelp of pain, falling a few feet just in time for Hakiba to throw her next homing disc. Three more bullets pierced Reimu's chest. Pain exploded inside her core as her heart struggled desparately to keep beating. This was the price all danmaku fighters had to pay. Her one weak spot was right over her most important organ.

 _I'm not out for the count yet, though,_ Reimu reflected, plummeting. _My orbs will have given her pause for thought. If I don't get hit in the heart again, I can still-_

Reimu met the ground with a resounding thud.

 _Owwww..._

Focusing through the stars swirling past her vision, Reimu could just about see Hakiba fleeing from her orbs. Now was the perfect time to attack.

Drawing on as much power as she could spare, Reimu threw herself at Hakiba, sending her orbs an order to break off and cover her. Hakiba breathed a sigh of relief, which soon gave way to an oh-so-satisfying look of amazement at the incoming shrine maiden.

"Scattered Spirit: Fantasy Seal!"

Reimu's power exploded outwards, hundreds of shining red bullets and spell tags flying in all directions. There was no way Hakiba could escape. The bullets peppered her skin, one spell tag catching her heart a withering blow. The terracottavore fell limply to the ground, flattening a small tree in the process. After a few seconds, Reimu broke off her attack and glided slowly down to her enemy.

Alighting on the grassy slope, Reimu wasted no time in giving Hakiba a nudge with her boot. (Had she really been sleeping in her boots? Well, they were warm, so no harm done...) "Wake up, Hakiba."

The sabre-toothed youkai groaned softly.

"The battle's over. I won. I'm afraid your making a snack of Gensokyo will have to wait," said Reimu matter-of-factly, offering Hakiba a hand. The terracottavore accepted the hand, pulling herself into the most upright position she could manage. "If it's any consolation, I know some good restaurants."

"R-restaurants? I tried to kill you, and you're going to tell me where all the best restaurants are?!"

"Well, yes. A foot massage wouldn't hurt, though, if you know how."

"Good grief." Hakiba took a steadying breath. "Well, Reimu, I think I can safely say I've had enough danmaku for one night. As for the foot massage, you probbaly don't want to do it out in the cold, but I'd be happy to massage your shoulders for you."

"What, really?!"

"Sure!"

"Wow! You must be the first masseuse I've ever fought!" said Reimu admiringly, turning on her heel to provide access to her shoulders. "Nice and slow, please. But strong."

"I think I can do that," said Hakiba calmly, and she whacked Reimu over the head with the small tree, knocking her out cold. "Once I'm through with Gensokyo, you're going to serve as an after-eight mint."

* * *

A new day dawned in Gensokyo. The Sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Reimu was lying in a heap. She could feel a sharp stone or three pressing into her back, cold grass beneath just about every other part. Her head hurt as if one of Sakuya's finest knives was thrust clean through her brain. Her legs were at awkward angles and the light was hurting her eyes. And Sakuya seemed to have left a couple more daggers in her right arm.

 _I guess I should just open my eyes. I mean, it's not going to get darker for another twelve hours or so,_ Reimu reasoned. _Okay, then, that's decided. I'm going to open my eyes._

Reimu let out a long, loud groan, her eyes screwed firmly shut. _No, I'll just lie here in agony for a few more hours. Good grief, what was in that drink Marisa brought me?! And why do I so vividly remember Yukari biting my leg?!_

 _Wait. I haven't seen Marisa since last week. I wouldn't have a headache for that long. So... what...?_ Suddenly, it all came flooding back. Yukari. The cave. Kicking Yukari in the face one time too many on the climb to safety. Tea. Shabu-shabu. Eating Gensokyo. The terracottavore. Getting her arm bitten. The fight. A massage. A thwack on the head. And what then? She didn't seem to have been eaten, so...

Groaning magnificently, Reimu forced her eyes open. It was a lovely, sunny morning; under most other circumstances, she'd be out having a picnic or merrily thrashing a few wild youkai. Her mountain was just as big as always, its rugged grey slopes rising into the clouds; definitely not eaten yet. How fast could Hakiba and her sisters eat Gensokyo? That was a question Reimu never would've believed she'd have to think about. It would surely take them a few years, even with no resistance at all; that wasn't too much of a worry. But she still had to find them and stop them.

First things first, though, she needed a decent breakfast. Some teriyaki chicken sounded nice. Emboldened by thoughts of all the delicious food she could eat (and ignoring any hypocrisy that might come with that line of thought), Reimu rose to her feet and tramped over to what remained of her house. Which, as it turned out, was much less than she'd left.

Reimu stared in horror at the damp, dusty pile of splintered wood, broken plaster and a half-chewed hot water bottle that lay where her house had been. A short way away, the ruins of the shrine sat forlornly in a small, muddy courtyard, peppered with crumbs of flagstone. Only the foundations, the outside loo and the donation box were still in one piece. Everything was gone. Her bed, her food, her wardrobe, the shrine, Genjii's pool, the back garden, all her rare teas and all her food. Gone. Numbly, Reimu trudged over to the donation box and peeked inside. Nothing but dust.

Hakiba had eaten everything. She'd lied, playing on Reimu's sympathies and yearnings for a massage. She was only alive now because the terracottavore wanted to torture her a little, or maybe just save her for later.

 _Wh... What am I going to do now?_

 _Curl up in a little ball and cry?_

 _No, that would be unseemly. If I must cry, I should fall to my knees, howl with rage and beat my misery into the ground like a proper lady._

Why had this happened to her? The moment she finally got a break, some all-devouring monster just _had_ to come along at eat Hakurei Shrine. It just wasn't fair. Did the whole world have it out for her?

 _Now, stop it,_ Reimu chided herself. _Self-pity won't stop Hakiba. Besides, this isn't just about you. It's about Gensokyo and the devourage thereof. I can't let her eat Gensokyo. If everyone's home gets eaten, if all our possessions are melted down inside unusually powerful stomachs, the injustice of life will be the least of my worries. I am the protector of Gensokyo. Am I powerless to fight back against this vile hunger?!_

Reimu had her orbs, although one was still moist with saliva. Her gohei, while a little bit chewed in places, had also prevailed; its power could burn anyone who tried to take a bite out of it. And she had her friends.

Wait. Friends? Had- had she-?!

"Genjii? Genjii! Are you there?!" Reimu called. "Oh, please don't be in Hakiba's stomach. Genjii! GENJII!"

Something shifted amid the forlorn rubble of Hakurei Shrine. A scaly, bearded head poked out. "I'm here."

"Oh, thank heavens!" Reimu ran over to her beloved flying turtle and dug him out of the ruins. "Did- did she try to eat you?"

"A little. She soon gave up, though, thanks to my shell."

"Oh, Genjii...!" Reimu felt like weeping with joy. She didn't, though, because she knew Genjii would tease her endlessly about it. "Are you well enough to travel?"

"I think so. There's no hurry, is there?"

"I'll hurry, but you don't have to."

Reimu knew there was one person she could always trust. A friendly, cheerful, daring young woman who lived in the Forest of Magic, always up for an adventure (except when she had a cold), always happy to see you (except when you had a cold). There was no-one else she'd rather have by her side. Alice was on holiday, though, so... "All right, Genjii, we're going to Marisa's house. Last one there's a-"

Genjii launched himself into the air, careening away down the mountain. A sonic boom came shortly afterwards.

"-an incredibly talented shrine maiden."

 **~Health Warning~**

Under no circumstances should you eat a mouldy yam, no matter what delicious fungi it may be carrying. Chances are, you don't have Reimu's incredible resistance to food-borne infections, so eating a mouldy yam could cause you some serious health problems.

If, on the other hand, a mouldy yam is the only thing you have to eat, I'm truly sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**~Headcanon of the Week~**

Patchouli and Remilia first met each other at a mob cap convention. Yukari was there, too.

 **~Chapter Two: This is a Pretty Average Day for Marisa~**

"MASTER SPARK!"

Marisa's mini-hakkero glowed white-hot. A beam of pure energy lanced out over the swamp, sending a shower of murky, steaming water and burnt reeds high into the air. A wall of sound and heat blasted over Marisa, bringing with it the warm, earthy smell of burnt peat.

Marisa waited a few seconds before stepping gingerly onto the blackened mud. It felt hard, so, just to make sure, she jumped, her shoes thumping down upon rock-solid earth.

 _You've outdone yourself this time, you incredibly beautiful sorceress! Those mushrooms are as good as mine!_

 _...Wait, if I'm the one who's outdone myself, how come you get the mushrooms?_

 _It was a figure of speech, you twit. You're me._

 _Oh, yeah. Right._

Chuckling away to herself, Marisa trotted across the baked swamp. She felt elated. The incredibly rare Quicksand Agaric, only found in marshes where over a thousand reckless travellers had drowned, was finally within her grasp.

* * *

As the young witch trudged home, covered in thick, slimy, foul-smelling mud from head to toe, she was certain it had been worth it. She'd only found three Quicksand Agarics, but, if she ground them up properly, they'd be enough for a whole year's worth of invisibility potions.

"Just imagine the look on Patchouli's face...!" Marisa giggled, trotting around the last corner before her ramshackle bungalow.

"What look on my face?"

Marisa screamed, then clamped her hands over her mouth and tried to pretend she hadn't screamed. A few seconds later, she removed her hands, spitting out a mouthful of mud.

"Well? What look?" asked Patchouli, her face currently wearing an expectant, slightly amused expression. She was standing right outside the door, a moderately disgruntled Meiling by her side. Astounded, Marisa stared at Patchouli, then at Meiling, then down at the rusty green wheelbarrow the Chinese redhead was holding, and finally at the sack full of hard rectangular objects resting inside the wheelbarrow.

"What- what's this? I mean... why? Wherefore?"

"I've brought you a present," Patchouli smiled, hefting the sack and depositing it heavily at Marisa's feet. "I had a pile of books I wasn't really reading any more, and I thought "You know what? I'll bet my dear friend Marisa would love these!", so I brought them over."

" _I_ brought them over," Meiling muttered.

Patchouli's smile was so friendly and open that Marisa couldn't believe a word she was saying. "You're... giving me books? Like, for free?!"

"Mm-hmm."

"But... but..."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I've got plenty," Patchouli insisted. "I just want to share the joy of reading with my bestest-ever friend!"

"Riiiiiight... Listen, it's very kind of you, but-"

Patchouli's smile disappeared. "D-don't you want my present? Have I... have I upset you in some way? Oh, please say I haven't!" Tears welled up around Patchouli's big, wide, dewy eyes. "Oh, Marisa, I-I'm so sorry! I n-never meant to hurt you or- or-"

"No, no, it's fine! It's fine! I think it's a wonderful present!" cried Marisa, taking hold of Patchouli's trembling hands. "You know I'll always be your friend. I won't ever abandon you or look your gifts in the mouth."

"You... you mean that?" Patchouli sniffled. "So you'll take the books?"

"Of course."

"Yaaaay! I wuv you, Mawisa. I wuv you so, so much!" Patchouli squealed, wrapping Marisa in a soft, warm, loving embrace. The mud was no issue; after she found herself gathering dust during one of her month-long reading binges, Patchouli had enchanted her robes to resist all kinds of dirt.

"S-sure..." said Marisa weakly.

"I'll leave you to it, then. Bye-eeeee!"

Patchouli was off like a shot, kicking up an almighty dust cloud as she took to the air, holding her hat on with both hands. Meiling breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh, hefted the wheelbarrow and soared away after her, not for one second meeting Marisa's gaze.

Marisa fell to her knees, exhausted. That had been crazy. Completely, utterly crazy. There was no other word for it. Patchouli, a complete loner with asthma and severe anaemia, had flown all the way to the Forest of Magic to bring her most hated enemy a heavy wheelbarrow full of the books she so jealously guarded. (Meiling had done all the hard work, but still.) Had the world turned upside-down? Was this some kind of joke? Was a flock of pigs soaring through ice-cold Hell, which had recently been conquered by the mighty and highly intelligent Cirno? Or was Patchouli planning something sinister?

Well, before she dealt with any of that, she needed to get the books inside and take a bath. Several baths. If she ever got rid of the smell, she'd count herself lucky.

* * *

"Ugghhhhh..." Marisa groaned, forcing her leaden eyelids apart. The light filtering through the half-drawn curtains was beginning to set her eye-sockets on fire. God almighty, how many baths had she taken last night? Four? Five? Two of which were in her clothes? Well, at least she felt clean. Had she really blown through a whole bottle of bubble bath? And had she really used beer for shampoo and invited Alice 'round for a game of charades? And didn't they end up having a bath together?!

 _Best. Night. Ever._

As Marisa propped herself up on her elbows, she realised she was wearing her bathrobe. The thick, lumpy fabric dug into her elbows, forcing her to sit up in earnest. Once there, she realised she might as well be standing up, so she stood.

Marisa wandered into the kitchen, vague plans for breakfast forming in her head. Chinese pancakes, maybe? Reaching over the still-snoozing Alice, who was curled up on the dining table amid empty bottles and dishes, Marisa retrieved her recipe book. Let's see, now... Chinese melon soup, Chinese mung bean stew, Chinese panca-

"Alice! You're still here!" Marisa's recipe book fell to the floor as her brain finally caught up with her eyes.

Alice's eyes fluttered open. Yawning magnificently, she sat up, sending the salt cellar and a few empty mugs crashing onto the floorboards. "'Morning, Marisa."

"I... I thought you went home."

"Well, I, um..." Alice's brow furrowed. "Didn't."

A few memories were resurfacing. Marisa had never realised quite what an enthusiastic bather Alice was. She'd covered herself in soap, scrubbed herself until she gleamed and even given some of her dolls a wash in the sink. It was amazing. Such a quiet, gentle woman, but once she was in the bath...!

"Wanna stay for breakfast?"

"I'd love to!"

"Okay, then! Uh, could you get your feet out of the flour?"

Alice lifted her feet off the half-full sack of flour. "Since when did you keep your flour on the floor?"

"Since I ran out of space in the cupboard," Marisa explained, lifting the sack. "How do Chinese pancakes sound?"

"I... I don't know. It depends on what you do with them, I suppose."

Marisa stopped in mid-frying-pan-retrieval. "You what?"

"Well, if you drop them on the floor, they sort of go splat. If you bash them against each other, though, they'd make more of a... flump?"

Ignoring the other witch, Marisa turned her attention firmly to her cooking. Let's see, now, she needed some boiling water to start with...

"MASTER SPARK!"

* * *

"Mmm! I've gotta hand it to the Chineshe. They make the besht pancakesh ever!" Marisa gushed, her voice distorted by a mouthful of soft, warm, savoury, buttery deliciousness.

"You certainly know how to cook," said Alice faintly. All those Master Sparks had dazzled her so badly she could barely tell the pancakes from the plate.

"Have you got enough there?"

"More than enough. I usually just have a bowl of-"

"No worries!" said Marisa breezily, plucking a pancake from Alice's plate. "They are quite filling, aren't they?"

"I guess..."

"That'sh 'caush they're made wif love," Marisa explained, merrily chowing down.

"I guess..."

As soon as she finished her Chinese pancakes, Marisa leapt to her feet. "Okay, now I've got something to show you that'll blow your mind!"

"You have?" said Alice, quickly scoffing down what remained of her breakfast in case Marisa got any more ideas.

"Yep. A sack of books, generously donated by Patchouli!"

Alice's eyebrows climbed several miles up the sheer face of her forehead. "Donated?"

"No, really! She made Meiling lug them all the way over here!"

"You're kidding!"

Marisa grabbed the sack, which was slung on top of a pile of clothes, toys, furniture and the occasional pizza box. "Patchie's crazy in love with me me. Her poor heart just can't handle it," she explained and/or fantasised, depositing the sack on the table. The table shuddered and groaned. Alice's plate was sent flying.

Ignoring Alice's protests, Marisa opened up the sack and retrieved a book. Grinning from ear to ear, she shoved it under her neighbour's nose. "Well?! Is this a book or what?!"

"It's... um..." Alice found herself slightly underwhelmed. Sure, it was a book. It had pages, a cover, a title; "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Start Eating", by Yuyuko Saigyouji. It was the little round holes going clean through the book that disappointed her so.

"Marisa... There are holes in this book."

"Don't be silly! How can a book have-" Marisa's voice seemed to catch in her throat as she glanced down at the holey book.

"You said Patchouli gave them to you, right? I'm guessing that'd be the giant woodworm," said Alice, with an apologetic smile.

Marisa was at a loss for words. Holes? In a book? But Patchie loved her books. Marisa reached into the sack and pulled out a couple more books, hardly daring to look at them. She dared, though, and her fears were confirmed: one was riddled with holes, drilled clean through the paper, and the other was nothing but a flimsy frame of paper and leather around a massive hole.

"Well, paper's made of wood, so I guess woodworm could eat it," said Marisa, in a small voice. "But I... How could she miss-?!"

Then it hit her. _Patchouli._ That stupid daughter of a mongoose had known all along.

"I'm gonna kill her," Marisa growled. How could Patchouli do this to her? After all the years they'd known each other, all the books she'd borrowed-

 _Ahem._

She couldn't let herself waste time thinking about it. Patchouli had betrayed her, and would be punished severely.

"I gotta go. Take care of the dishes, would you?" Marisa declared, storming off to get her broom.

"In your bathrobe?!"

Marisa paused in mid-storm-off. "I, uh... Have you seen my clothes anywhere?"

"Well... wouldn't they be in the wardrobe?"

Marisa snorted. "Too mainstream. I keep my clothes in an old sea chest."

"They'd be in there, then," Alice reasoned.

"I _know_. Stop patronising me!" Marisa snapped, resuming her offward stormification.

* * *

The rushing air flattened Marisa's dress against, well, everywhere. She never normally wore such baggy garb on her broom, but it was her only black-and-white outfit not drying after the night before. She'd faced a serious dilemma in the hat department: should she wear her old purple hat and be laughed out of town, or go bareheaded and look like she hadn't made an effort? The purple hat had eventually won out, given how cold her head got when she was flying, but it was close. She had her spare combat boots, too, which was a plus.

The sea of blurring green down below soon gave way to an island of lighter green. A wide, soft hill rose up out of the forest. the Scarlet Devil Mansion perched proudly atop the hill like a fifteenth-century gothic mohawk on a very large head. Marisa felt a thrill of excitement rush through her veins. How long was it since her last proper duel with Patchouli? Months, probably. This was going to be fun!

A stream of bullets arced up into the sky, glowing in all the colours of the rainbow. Marisa's eyes widened as she swerved out of the way. Of course, she'd have to get past Meiling before she could give Patchouli a pasting, and the gatekeeper's aim seemed to be getting better.

Marisa pulled her hat firmly past her brow and grabbed her mini-hakkero. If Meiling wanted to play, she wouldn't be caught with her bloomers down. It was _on_.

A barrage of glowing white bullets tore through the sky, closely followed by a severely battered Meiling. Marisa slammed on the brakes, her broom shuddering as it screeched to a halt. It was _off_.

"Hey, what's going on?!" Marisa called, floating down to Meiling.

"Guess," Meiling scowled, forcing her battered body to stand. "If you want to help, feel free, but-" the gatekeeper's eyes widened with horror. "Look out!"

"What-?!" Marisa had barely had time to utter than word when the first missile smashed into the ground. The explosion sent Marisa tumbling down the hill, clutching desparately to her broom while shards of red-hot ivory rained down all over her.

* * *

"Marisa? Hello?!"

Reimu's fist sent flecks of peeling paint fluttering on the breeze as she pounded on the door. Her arm had mostly recovered, but Marisa's nonattendance wasn't making it any easier.

"Come on, Marisa, open the bloody door!" Reimu shouted, pounding merrily away. "This is no time for a lie-in! We've got a walrus-faced terracottavore of death to deal with!"

Still there came no reply. Reimu groaned. Had she just missed her? That would be just typical. Genjii was safe and comfortable at least, but she couldn't just abandon all her responsibilities and join him.

...Could she?

No, no. Marisa had left a window open and Reimu could fly. Hopefully she'd understand.

* * *

Marisa rose awkwardly to her feet. Nothing seemed to be broken, but the lion's share of her hurt like Hell. "What's happening, China?!"

"Guess! And don't call me that!" snapped Meiling.

"Well, I, uh... Someone's attacking your mansion?"

"Precisely."

"You could've just told me that, y'know..."

"It's more fun if you guess, though, isn't it?"

"I suppose," Marisa smiled. For the first time since Meiling had been sent flying past her, she had a good chance to see what was going on. A short way up the hill, the tall iron gates lay bent and broken in a pile of shattered red bricks. Kind of pointless, considering the attacker could fly. Borne aloft by a sturdy pair of leathery wings, she was drifting down towards Marisa and Meiling with a foot-long bicuspid in each hand.

"Those are some pretty weird bullets."

"Wait 'till you see her face," Meiling advised.

Marisa squinted at the oncoming creature, a brawny youkai in beige trousers and a dingy white vest. She could just make out a pointy white object on the woman's face, perhaps a small icicle dangling from her nose. No, that was no icicle. It was a tooth. A long, twisted spike of ivory like a narwhal's tusk, as long as a pencil and twice as thick. And twelve times as pointy.

Marisa burst out laughing. As the narwhal woman alighted with a heavy thud, Marisa doubled over, trying her hardest not to split her sides. Tusks like that were all right for narwhals, but on a human? ...Oid? Whatever? No way!

The narwhal woman was not impressed. "Is this scrawny little wretch supposed to be Marisa Kirisame? Her, grovelling in fear while pretending to laugh at me?! She can't even colour-coordinate her outfit properly!"

"The one and only!" Marisa confirmed, taking a break between guffaws. "All my black hats are in the wash. I don't wanna talk about it. Anyway, who are you?"

"I am the great and mighty Naruwaru Agohaka of the Agohaka Sisters! My tusk has pierced the hearts of gods, I have devoured ten thousand warriors, and I have-"

"Naruwaru?! You mean like the stereotypical Japanese mispronunciation of "narwhal"?! Oh my god, that's priceless!" Her break over, Marisa fell flat on her face and pummelled the ground, helpless with mirth.

Screaming with rage, Naruwaru hurled her tooth-missiles at the witch and gatekeeper. Meiling grabbed Marisa roughly by the collar and yanked her out of the way. A wall of fire and shards of ivory rushed over them, forcing Meiling down to her knees, one arm crossed over her heart and the other still clutching Marisa.

"Did- did you see that?!" cried Marisa, her mouth agape. "Such power! I bet she could-"

"Kill us?" Meiling offered.

"Well, y'know-"

"Get moving!" snapped Meiling, launching herself into the air.

Seeing the wisdom in Meiling's words, Marisa mounted her broom and soared off after her. This was going to be fun. How should she play it? She had a partner in Meiling, so she could afford to take it easy for the first couple of rounds, gauge Naruwaru's strength and stuff. If she had to, she could break out the big guns later, once Meiling was out for the count. She was still going to break in and kick Patchouli's hairy caboose into next week, after all; this was just a warm-up.

"Meiling, old buddy, I'm behind you all the way!" Marisa reassured the gatekeeper. "How shall we do this? Double-pronged attack? Full-frontal assault, or maybe-"

"Maw of Death!" Naruwaru roared, launching a cluster of tooth-bullets at Marisa.

"RUN!" Meiling suggested, soaring far out of the way.

"Run, huh? Interesting strategy. Simple, but effective. I like it. Let's go!" Marisa agreed.

Before she could move, the cluster of teeth exploded out into an almighty barrage, surrounding her in less than a second. The teeth were pointing right at her on all sides, packed way too close together. There was no way she'd get through that kind of barrier without her heart taking at least one hit. This was completely unfair! If Reimu ever found out about this blatant breach of spellcard rules, she'd go spare.

The teeth closed in. Marisa shot forwards, curling up as tight as she could to minimise her bullet exposure, and smashed through the barrier. Glowing teeth glanced off her skin and clothes, knocking her hat into off into the blue yonder. Three teeth tore through her heart, making her howl with pain.

"Isn't curling up like that against the rules?" Meiling pointed out, drawing up beside Marisa.

"I don't think Narwhal-Face knows the rules. If she's gonna cheat, then so am I," Marisa growled.

"Good point, well made."

"Bone Dragon of the Netherworld!" Naruwaru roared, throwing back her head and raising her hands to the sky. With a blinding flash of light, a reptilian skull formed in the air above Naruwaru, each jaw as big as a stepladder and bristling with huge, razor-sharp teeth. The bone dragon's spine soon followed, tapering down to slender, whip-like tail lined with blades. The dragon had no wings, but its six arms more than made up for it, crowned as they were by long, grasping claws.

"Nice. Really badass," Marisa commented, her righteous anger instantly forgotten.

"Fly, my pretty! Devour their flesh and feast upon their souls!" Naruwaru roared, thrusting her hand towards Marisa and Meiling.

"Now, that's a bit much..." said Marisa unsurely.

As the bone dragon surged towards them, bellowing as if it had risen from the very jaws of Hell, Meiling did not flinch. "You deal with her "pretty". I'll take out the source."

"...Okay." Marisa retrieved a well-thumbed spellcard. "Oi, ugly, get a load of this! Love Storm: Starlight Typhoon! GO!"

It was _on again, except with a different target this time around_.

Three glowing balls of light formed around Marisa's outstretched hand. Her hakkero glowed red-hot as its power flowed into the orbs, setting them ablaze with light. A ray of pure energy lanced out from each orb, charring the dragon's bones as it swerved to avoid the attack. It was only lightly toasted, though, and Marisa knew this was going to be a serious fight. Her favourite kind. Beads of sweat rolled down Marisa's face, both from the effort and the heat, as she challened all the power her hakkero could give her. The orbs swooped slowly through the air, their lasers sweeping across the sky to catch the weaving bone dragon.

The dragon inhaled, ducked nimbly under a laser and expectorated a blast of blue fire. Marisa dove out of the way, wincing as the balefire singed her dress and set her broom smouldering. Screwing her eyes shut in concentration, she hurled a barrage of rainbow-coloured stars at the dragon. Most of the bullets passed harmlessly over its spine, but a few hit home, peppering its skill with love-coloured pain. Furious, the bone dragon soared high into the air, faster than Marisa's lasers could follow.

Meiling, meanwhile, had managed to get to the root of the matter.

"Take this, you ginger cow!" Naruwaru roared, drawing back her fist and aiming it at Meiling's face.

Meiling jinked sideways, then retorted with a lightning-fast punch to the neck. Naruwaru fell back with a pained grunt. Meiling tore into Naruwaru with all the strength and speed she could muster, layering punch upon kick on every part of her enemy she could reach.

Naruwaru lashed out with all her strength, strength enough to break Meiling in half used correctly. _If_ used correctly, which Meiling wasn't making easy.

Tiring of the fight, Naruwaru somersaulted back a few metres. Razor-sharp teeth materialised around her clenched fists.

Meiling's eyes narrowed. This was cheating, to be sure, but it wouldn't do any good.

Naruwaru struck like a pouncing lion. Meiling batted the punch aside with a swift elbow-strike before kicking Naruwaru soundly in the shins. Grimmacing, the walrus-tusked youkai fell down on one knee, her tooth-bullet-knuckledusters popping out of existence. Perfect. Meiling's qi flowed into her right foot, glowing all the colours of the rainbow, and the gatekeeper launched a blinding-fast kick at her enemy's face.

Naruwaru raised her head a little.

Meiling screamed in agony as her foot speared itself on Naruwaru's tusk. Grinning savagely (inasmuch as she could grin under these circumstances), Naruwaru rose to her feet, holding Meiling's ankle in an iron grip. "Had enough yet, you cut-price Chinese knockoff?"

"Enough?!" Meiling gasped, fighting desperately to keep her focus through the pain. "I'd had enough of you before I even met you! You're going down!"

Naruwaru laughed, then cried out as Meiling's other foot slammed into her stomach, sending her tumbling back into the rubble and twisted metal, her tusk pulled sharply from her enemy's foot.

"I get the impression you didn't hear me the first time, narwhal," Meiling growled. Standing tall and proud despite the agony in her foot, she raised her hand, an aurora of rainbow light playing around her fingers. "You. May. Not. Enter."

The bone dragon's blazing jaws closed around Meiling's torso. Pain exploded inside her as the beast chomped with all its might.

"Aaaaaargh! Marisa, I told you to deal with it!" Meiling's vision was fading, but she would be hard-pressed to cut such a notorious thief any slack.

"Hey, I'm doing my best!" Marisa retorted. "Don't you dare eat her, you brute! I'll destroy you if it's the last thing I do!"

The bone dragon was beginning to show some cracks, wisps of dark blue fire flowing from the scars Marisa's assault had left, but it was still strong enough to fight. Obviously.

Naruwaru rose to her feet, laughing raucously. "What are you going to do now, weakling?!"

Marisa did not hesitate for a second. "Magicannon: FINAL MASTER SPARK!"

* * *

In a vast, darkened corridor, flanked by vaulted ceilings and surrounded by dull red lamps, Hakiba Agohaka was having the time of her life. Although her face was impassive, a light shone in her eyes as she summoned yet another set of tooth-discs. This time, they were solid discs of fused ivory; much more practical than rings of bullets. With every passing day, she and her sisters were learning new things, uncovering powers they'd thought lost forever. Freedom was the greatest feeling of all!

Even so, the scrawny brat with the stupid mob cap was still on her feet, leaning heavily on her crimson spear. Some people just didn't know when to give up.

"Aren't you getting tired, Remilia? We've been at it for ten minutes already."

"N-never! I am the Scarlet Devil, daughter of... of the great Dracula himself, and- and I do not get tired. Of fighting. And stuff. I will never surrender!"

The girl leapt into the air, her pathetic excuses for wings somehow beating hard enough to keep her aloft. With what she must've thought was a fearsome battle-cry, Remilia unleashed a barrage of massive red orbs, countless smaller bullets fanning out in their wake. Hakiba dodged effortlessly to the right, weaving nimbly around the few bullets that could reach her, and threw her discs.

Remilia launched herself up over the first disc, the second one lacerating her shins as she swerved desperately to avoid the third disc, which brought her right into the path of the fourth disc. Lashing out with Gungnir, she managed to deflect the disc a little, but the spear was knocked out of her grip and sent clattering to the floor. The disc quickly got its bearings and swooped round for a second pass. Remilia gulped. Hakiba fired a barrage of teeth, just a simple stream of her best and fastest bullets. Remilia gulped harder, swung around past the disc and ran for it, careening down the corridor. The kitchen was just half a kilometre away; if she could get to Sakuya before-

"Gotcha!" Hakiba triumphantly declared, grabbing Remilia by the ankle. Remilia screamed, slapping her desperately in the face, only to find herself being swung around like a noisemaker and slammed into the floor.

"You've got to face facts, so-called Scarlet so-called Devil. I have you outclassed in every way. I beat Reimu last night. I'm bigger than you, I'm stronger, I've got better fangs, I've got more sisters. You can't hope to defeat me," said Hakiba matter-of-factly, hoisting Remilia up by the hair. "Are you ready to concede defeat yet, or do I need to eat you?"

"I...!" Tears were rolling down Remilia's scarlet face. "I hate you! You're mean and horrible and nasty and ugly and your breath stinks!"

Hakiba's smile faded. "Didn't your parents ever teach you any manners?"

"Didn't yours teach you not to go around eating mansions and bullying innocent vampires?!"

"Oh, shut up." Hakiba released Remilia's hair, letting her flop limply onto the floor. "I think I shall roast your legs and make your body into a pie. As for your wings, they're a bit limp and scrawny, but they should make some pretty good yakitori. I'll need a cookbook, of course-"

"Well, there's no way I'm going to lend you mine."

Remilia felt as if she might sob with relief, but she'd already used up all her tears. "Sakuya! Oh, Sakuya, you came for me!"

"Indeed I did, and not a moment too soon," said Sakuya calmly. The maid cast her gaze over Hakiba, contemplated the situation for a few seconds, and snapped her fingers. Before she could blink, Remilia was snuggled up under a warm blanket with a mug of hot chocolate. Patchouli and Flandre stood at Sakuya's sides, looking about themselves in amazement.

"There has been a minor incident. I took the liberty of stopping time and conveying you here to help me see to it," Sakuya explained. "This dazed-looking woman with large teeth has been attacking the mistress."

Flandre gasped. "How could she?!"

"I... I, um..." Hakiba shook her head as if to clear it of stray thoughts. "You're Flandre, correct? And you in the pyjamas are Patchouli Knowledge. And you, the temporal maid, must be Sakuya Izayoi."

"How flattering it is that you recognise us," said Patchouli grumpily. "Sakuya, I trust that you did not lose my place in my book?"

For a split second, Sakuya's eyes widened.

"Thought not..." Patchouli sighed.

"It's not important right now. Attack!" Sakuya decided, hurling a handful of knives at Hakiba. Flandre followed her with sizzling blasts of crimson magic, boxing her in just enough for Patchouli to nail her with a lance of boiling water.

Hakiba screwed shut her eyes, summoning as many bullets as she could muster. The lance of boiling water splashed harmlessly against her whirling shield of teeth.

"Oh, come on!" Patchouli groaned.

Hakiba smirked. "I won't go down that easily, and my sister should be finished with your useless gate guardian any minute now. We're going to eat Gensokyo, starting with your mansion, and there's nothing you can do to stop us."

A wall of light and sound exploded through the wall. Hakiba's eyes went as wide as saucers. She dove desperately to the side, only to receive a charred, battered Naruwaru to the face as Marisa final spark blazed through the mansion, turning the bricks to molten rock and the floorboards to ash in an instant.

* * *

Marisa was used to master sparks by now, so her eyesight was the first to recover. She shot forwards, grabbing Meiling as she fell from the shattered bone dragon's jaws, and floated slowly down through the hole in the mansion. The gang were all there, it seemed, staring in amazement at the unconscious Naruwaru: Flandre, Patchouli, Sakuya and Remilia, plus a few of the braver fairy maids. And who was that other woman lying in a heap under Naruwaru? A relative, judging by her ludicrous teeth.

Marisa soon became aware that everyone except Flandre was staring at her. "Uh, hi, everyone! I was just popping 'round for a visit and I saw this crazy narwhal woman attacking Meiling, so I had to intervene."

"I knew there was a reason we kept her around!" one of the fairies cried.

"Shut up," Sakuya advised her.

"So, uh, what's up with the toothy ladies?" asked Marisa, carelessly dumping Meiling at Sakuya's feet.

"They were sealed away for over a thousand years, and now they want to devour Gensokyo," Remilia explained. "That's all we know."

"Meiling! Oh, Meiling, speak to me!" cried Sakuya, desperately fanning Meiling with her skirt.

"Devour Gensokyo, huh? That's a tall order. I usually just have a massive omelette and fill in the gaps with rice," said Marisa blithely.

"It's no joke, Kirisame! The walrus almost came close to defeating me! _Me,_ the Scarlet Devil, Dread Queen of the Night, daughter of Dracula, with the power to tear asunder the very heart of the world if I could be bothered! She... she stole something from me, Marisa. My strength. My soul. If she should come after you-"

"Yeah, yeah, done listening. Shouldn't we tie them up or something?" Marisa suggested.

"Just what I was about to propose. Sakuya! Tie up the intruders," Remilia ordered, determined not to let Marisa wrongfoot her.

"At once, milady." Sakuya turned to the crowd of fairy maids. "If you've quite finished gawping, tie up the intruders at once."

"Flandre! Tie up these meddling brats!" one of the fairies ordered in a posh, imperious Sakuya impression. All the others turned to her, amazed and terrified.

"Okey-dokey," said Flandre breezily, skipping away to get some tying-up equipment. "D'you think we'll need those orichalcum shackles?"

"Certainly. Good thinking," Sakuya smiled, pausing in the act of spanking the fairy senseless.

* * *

Flandre had been gone a few minutes when Sakuya broke out the salted peanuts.

"We've got to keep our strength up. Flandre's the most powerful of us, and, because _somebody_ sent her off for the orichalcum shackles, it falls to us to keep these two under guard," she explained, pouring Remilia a handful of peanuts.

"Or in layman's terms, you've got the munchies," Marisa grinned.

"Do you want some or not?"

Marisa stopped giggling.

"Good answer," said Sakuya, doling out Marisa's share.

They nibbled in silence, save for Patchouli inhaling a peanut and embarking on the most terrible coughing fit of her life.

"Why me?" the seven-day mage whimpered. "First all my books get eaten by woodworm, then the mansion gets invaded, then I-"

"Hey, wait a minute! That's why I came here in the first place!" Marisa shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Patchouli. "You gave me a bunch of worm-eaten books, you evil, selfish, lying little twerp! Just what do you have to say for yourself?"

Patchouli sighed. "Okay, it's a fair cop. I lied blatantly to you, exploited you emotionally, gave you false hope and just generally acted like a complete and total blackguard. Mea culpa. I'll tell you what: you can have fifty of my fully-intact books for free, by way of an apology."

Marisa's rage instantly abated. "Fifty books?! Jeez Louise, that's almost fifty-one! Thanks, Patchie!"

"Meaning you now owe me just two hundred and twenty-six."

Marisa's smile froze. "Why, you miserable, greedy-"

"Cool it, you two! She's stirring!"

Naruwaru was indeed stirring. She rose shakily to her feet with a look of barely-suppressed rage on her chargrilled face, glaring defiance at all around her.

Sakuya quickly seized the initiative. "There's no need for us to continue fighting, Ms Agohaka. You and your sister are defeated. Persisting in this attack will only make it worse for you."

"Speak for yourself, you dumb cluck. I'm the one who got master sparked and I'm fine," Naruwaru growled, nudging Hakiba with her foot. "Oi, Hakiba, get up! We're not finished!"

"Five more minutes, _please_..." groaned Hakiba, rolling over onto her belly.

"Rrrrgh! Why do I always get saddled with you?! I mean, if Kuichiko were here, she'd tear this place to the ground in seconds! But no, _she's_ got Better Things to Do. Lazy old sod."

"Kuichiko, hm? Is that your sister?" asked Patchouli, surreptitiously handing Sakuya a pencil.

"Well, yeah. She's supremely powerful. Inconceivably powerful! So powerful, she might even be able to beat me on a good day," Naruwaru boasted. "Divide and conquer, that's her motto, hence she keeps dividing us three. I mean, it's stupid of her, but it's still her motto, and it works sometimes..."

Patchouli gave Marisa a gentle nudge in the ribs.

Marisa went to punch Patchouli in the face, but thought better of it when she noticed Sakuya's little notebook and remembered the pencil. "Okay, uh, what's her favourite food?"

"Barley bread and cucumber. Lots of cucumber."

"Really? What about drinks?"

"Crude oil."

"What?!"

"It's a bit bitter for me, but Kuichiko loves it."

Patchouli raised her hand. "What's her fighting style? I'm curious to know whether we'd stand a change against her."

Naruwaru laughed. "No way! I've forgotten the details over the last few centuries, but I know a badass when I see one, and boy do I see one in Kuichiko! She could beat all of you with one hand tied behind her back, as long as it was her left one. She'd tear you in half before you could blink!"

"Strong, is she?"

"Oh, yeah! I've just about got the edge in the muscle department, but she's no pushover. She's super fast, too. She could tear you in half before you could blink!"

"You already said that."

"Shut up. Any more questions?"

"I have one. What's her greatest weakness?" asked Remila.

"She doesn't have any."

"...She's got to have at least one."

"Well, she doesn't. Got a problem with that?"

Remilia maintained a rugged silence.

"Excuse me, Miss, but I have a question," one of the fairy maids piped up. "What is Miss Kuichiko's shoe size?"

"...Shoe size?" Naruwaru's eyes narrowed. "Oh, I see what you're trying to do. You're just trying to get information so you can beat her. Well, it won't work! You won't get a thing out of me!"

"Powerful... fast... right-handed... no obvious weaknesses... shoe size unknown. Got it," Sakuya smiled, lowering her notepad.

Hakiba, who had just begun to stir, put her head in her hands.

"Found them!"

Flandre came bounding over, her arms laden with chains made of shiny, pinkish-gold metal. "Sorry it took so long. Someone put them in the "emergency Flandre provisions" chest by mistake."

"...Mistake. Right," said Remilia, clearing her throat.

Marisa couldn't help but notice the blush spreading across Remilia's face. _That cocoa must be too hot for her, I guess._

"I say we do the walrus first. She seems to be the least lively of the two," Remilia went on.

"By "we", you mean me, right?" said Sakuya. Remilia nodded. Sakuya accepted the shackles from Flandre and set upon Hakiba, trussing her up like a turkey in a matter of seconds.

"Okay, now for the narwhal," said Sakuya. "Madam Flandre, the other shackle, if you please."

Flandre handed over the shackle.

"Thank you. Now, Naruwaru, I trust you will cooperate?"

"Yeah, um, about that..."

In a flash, ten long, razor-sharps tusks were floating by Naruwaru's sides, searing the air with balefire. With a mighty roar, she hurled them at Hakiba. Two darts severed the bonds on her ankles, two severed the chains on her wings and two more freed her hands, the other four swerving to charge at Sakuya. She had no time to stop time and barely enough time to dive out of the way, the tusks thudding harmlessly into the wall behind her.

"Hakiba, tell our big sis everything!" Naruwaru hollered. Hakiba nodded, leapt into the air and soared away.

"Oh, no you don't. After her!" Remilia shouted, chugging down what remained of her cocoa and taking to the air.

"What she said!" Marisa cried, readying her hakkero.

"You fools! Hakiba is my sister, and I will defend her until my dying breath, not that any of you will get to see that breath!" Naruwaru roared. A thick, foot-long tooth formed in each of her hands, crackling with barely-constrained energy.

"Sakuya, are you as done with this nonsense as I am?" asked Patchouli.

"Pretty much," said Sakuya, primly dusting herself off.

"Yay! Danmaku for everyone!" squealed Flandre, hopping up and down with glee.

Meiling leapt high into the air, her last vestiges of energy flowing into her good foot. "I don't mean to boast, but I'm as done with this nonsense as all of you put together. HI-YAH!"

Meiling's heel smashed into the nape of Naruwaru's neck. Her toes thwacked into the terracottavore's cranium. Naruwaru spun head-over-heels as she plummeted helplessly to the floor, landing with an echoing crump and rolling over to Patchouli's feet, where she collapsed in a heap.

For a few seconds, nobody spoke. Meiling's last vestiges were just enough for her to fold her arms, a look of complete confidence on her face, before she slowly crumpled over and flattened herself against the floor.

* * *

 _Well, that was an interesting morning,_ Marisa reflected as she cruised back home. She'd left as soon as they started talking about repairing the mansion; too much manual labour wasn't good for you. Flying low at a leisurely pace, enough to keep her head reasonably warm, she found herself thinking about the Agohakas. She'd never heard of people like them before. Powerful youkai with bird's wings, weird teeth and an appetite for entire countries... The mind boggled. Not even Patchouli knew anything about their kind, and she knew _everything_ , which was why it was so selfish of her to keep all the best books to herself. When it came to the Agohakas, though, those books drew a blank.

They were dangerous, that much was certain. Three powerful youkai, or possibly more, bent on eating Gensokyo. Marisa knew an Incident when she saw one, and one of them was rearing its ugly head right now. There was only one person she knew who could be counted on to protect the world from a threat of this calibre. One young woman with power beyond even the sharpest of gnashers. Strong, fearsome and oh, so pretty: the great and powerful Marisa Kirisame!

 _Better get Reimu's help too, though,_ Marisa decided, drawing to a halt outside her door. _That's what I'll do. Have lunch, get Reimu-_

"What are you standing around out there for?! We've got an Incident to deal with! Come on, let's go!"

Reimu burst out of Marisa's front door like the break of dawn. She had a bandage on her right arm and a pack full of supplies on her back, her usual friendly, laid-back demeanour replaced by an unstoppable fury.

"R-Reimu?! What are you-"

"Oh, you're not ready yet. Well, hurry, get your things! Go! No time to waste!"

"O-okay."

Marisa gathered her stuff in record time, along with three bottles of nihonshu for good measure.


	3. Chapter 3

**~Chapter Three: Well Begun is Half Done~**

"And you'll stay there until you learn some manners!" Remilia bellowed, booting Naruwaru down the basement stairs. The terracottavore tumbled head-over-heels until her tusk stabbed into the damp stone floor, bringing her to a painful halt. "There should be some watermelons and chocolate milk in the minibar. Try to make it last, because you're not getting anything else."

"Fine! I don't need watermelons!" Naruwaru spat, yanking her tusk out of the floor. "Stupid vampire brats..."

Remilia slammed the door shut, locked it, bolted it, padlocked the bolt, slid a bookcase in front of it and rested a vase of flowers on the bookcase. Breathing a sigh of relief, she put her arm around Flandre's shoulder and made for the dining room.

"Do you think that'll hold her?" asked Flandre.

"It'll have to. Patchouli replaced the wards a few days ago, and in any case she'll probably be too faint with hunger to escape," said Remilia. "Even if she does, there's nothing but solid rock around her."

"Well, I guess so. That reminds me, where am I going to sleep?"

"Um..." Remilia considered Flandre. It wouldn't be right to blame her for this. She was young, starry-eyed and as thick as a plank. Naruwaru had played Flandre like a trombone, exploiting all her weaknesses to win her trust and get herself unshackled; they'd gone through five sets of orichalcum chains before giving up. Now the woman was taking up Flandre's bedroom. There was only one thing a responsible sister could do at a time like this.

"How about in the washing machine?"

* * *

Exerting a fraction of her formidable power, Reimu rose into the air. "We're going to solve this Incident so hard, it won't know what hit it. Onwards!"

"Yeah!" cried Marisa, punching the air.

The bristles on Marisa's broom flared red-hot as she blasted off into the afternoon sky. Reimu soon caught up, her various tassels streaming behind her.

"Okay, Marisa, we've still got most of the day. Where are we going first?"

"Um..." Marisa's head was still spinning from the events of the morning. "I have no idea?"

"Ah." Reimu thought for a moment. "We should focus on the eastern half of Gensokyo, since, as far as we know, my shrine was the Agohakas' first victim. Finding Yukari and asking her some pressing questions is also a priority."

"Okay, but I still have no idea..."

"Well, how about the Human Village? We can ask Keine. She knows the entire history of Gensokyo."

"Sounds good to me!"

* * *

Reimu touched down upon the well-trodden road into the Human Village. It was just as she remembered it; quite normal, considering the fact that she'd been there yesterday. It seemed so distant now, her skipping into town with a box on her head, having an amazing slap-up meal...

Reimu's stomach let out a ferocious growl. Looking into Marisa's grinning face, the shrine maiden felt her cheeks colour with shame.

"Couldn't steal enough bananas, huh?"

"I only took one! Or possibly two!"

"No need to worry. I'm getting a bit hungry too," said Marisa reassuringly. "What would you say to lunch at Hitomi's House of Sashimi?"

"Well, we _are_ on a bit of an urgent mission, but I suppose we could..." said Reimu, making a great show of mulling it over.

"Very generous of you, Your Highness. I assume you'll be paying?"

"Naturally," said Reimu, smiling a gracious smile as she pulled a handful of gold coins from her pocket.

Marisa's jaw dropped almost as far as her shoulders. Reimu set off for the House of Sashimi with a spring in her step, leaving Marisa gobsmacked in her wake.

"I... I can afford mine..." Marisa muttered.

Then again, why waste a golden opportunity like this? Marisa sprinted off after Reimu, soon catching up with her. "I think I'll have some of that fatty tuna breast, a few scallops, sea bream, a bowl of salmon roe and a whole squid. What about you?"

"All of it!" squealed Reimu.

* * *

"Ahhhhhh...!" sighed Reimu, stretching out across the bench to rest her head in Marisa's lap. "I could get used to this. If I ate so much as a grain of rice, I'd explode!"

"Eating is fun, isn't it? Especially with a friend," said Marisa, a huge smile on her face. "Still, we need to resolve this Incident sooner or later."

"Later will do."

"I suppose so. A little later."

"Lots later."

Reimu was a woman of contradictions, Marisa reflected. Here lay the Shrine Maiden of Paradise, full to the brim with food and quickly falling asleep in her friend's lap. The most powerful youkai hunter in the whole of Gensokyo, probably dreaming of an even tastier feast. Marisa could understand the food. Reimu had been poor for years now, only to find herself suddenly in possession of a small fortune, and she didn't know what to do with herself. Correction: she _did_ know what to do with herself, and "what to do with herself" was "eat lots".

Reimu's moods could change quickly, though. In fact, it often seemed as if she had two distinct personalities: one for day-to-day life and one for kicking ass and taking names. If Hakiba or Naruwaru came walking down the road that very second, Reimu wouldn't waste a moment before thrashing them.

Letting out a soft, happy sigh, Marisa leaned back and relaxed, stroking Reimu's hair and dreaming of all the fun times they were yet to enjoy.

Well, that was the plan, but Marisa had forgotten one key detail about the bench: it had no back.

"Aaaugh!" Marisa wailed as her head collided sharply with the flagstones.

"What?! What's happening?!" Reimu cried, waking up with a start.

"My head..." groaned Marisa. "Reimu, you're gonna have to move. You're sort of pinning down my legs."

"Okay," said Reimu. With a small effort, she raised herself into a sitting position, allowing Marisa to slide her legs off the bench.

"So, fancy getting a move-on?" Marisa offered, rising to her feet.

"I suppose so. I don't particularly want to fall asleep again."

With that, Reimu and Marisa set off to the Kamishirasawa residence. They had not gone far when a familiar voice cried out from behind them.

"Marisa! Is that you?!"

"What?! Yes! I mean no! Maybe! Who's asking?!" Marisa yelped, turning on her heel to face this new arrival.

Running towards her was Mr Kirisame, a look of joy and amazement on his slightly weather-beaten face. "Marisa! It is you!"

"...I'm sorry, who are you?!"

"Your father!" Mr Kirisame declared. He came to a sharp halt with his arms outstretched.

Marisa took a step back. Some seconds passed. Realising that Marisa wasn't going to rush over and hug him any time soon, Mr Kirisame slowly lowered his arms.

"Ah, right, I remember now. Marisa, I ran into your father yesterday evening," said Reimu, smiling apologetically. "He wanted me to give you a message, but now that you're here, I suppose... um..."

Wilting under the intensity of Marisa's glare, Reimu allowed her speech to trail off.

Mr Kirisame cleared his throat. "The message was quite simple: I forgive you, Marisa. I know we've had our differences and I know there's nothing that can take back the past, but, well, that's all beside the point. I forgive you."

Her arms folded, Marisa fixed her darling father with a baleful stare.

"I... I want to be a part of your life again. I mean, I, um, want _you_ to be a part of _my_ life again. Or possibly both. Look, I can accept you now. I don't want you to change anything about yourself, except perhaps the stealing, and I forgive you for everything you-"

"Do _I_ forgive _you_ , though? Hmmm, let's consider it," Marisa interrupted, scratching her head and making a great show of cogitating. "You hit me, you shouted at me, you burned all my toys, you locked me in the cupboard under the stairs, you publicly humiliated me, you broke my arm-"

"That was an accident! I would never break your arm!"

"FOUR TIMES! You broke the right one three times, the left one once!"

Mr Kirisame took a steadying breath. "As I've told you, I was trying to protect-"

"And I've told you a similar number of times, if you want to protect someone, YOU DO NOT BREAK THEIR LIMBS! If Mum had seen you-"

"Your mother blew herself up, for Pete's sake! What was I supposed to do?!" Mr Kirisame snapped, screwing shut his eyes in an effort to gather his thoughts. "If I'd supported you, if I'd given you the tools to be a witch, I'd've been... I'd've been giving you your own barrel of gunpowder and lighting the touchpaper."

"Do you know what Mum used to do?! She believed in me! She cared for me! She wanted me to be a great witch, just like she was. She wouldn't've wanted me to get discouraged, even after her magic killed her. And you betrayed her, you dishonoured her memory-"

Mr Kirisame's hand lashed out, catching Marisa a ringing slap on the cheek. Marisa's voice caught as the slap rang through her.

"Don't you DARE use my wife to blackmail me!" Mr Kirisame hissed, his face red with rage. Part of him was acutely aware of the gathering crowd, but all his other parts were too angry to care. "I loved her. I would've done _anything_ for her, which is more than you would've done, you brat. If anyone's dishonouring her memory, it's you, treating me like this. If your mother ever found out what a stupid, selfish excuse for a witch you've become, she'd disown you on the spot. She believed in loyalty. Her duty to the family was to be a witch, fair enough, we needed the money, but _your_ duty was to obey me and live up to her loyalty and obedience-"

Marisa's fist lanced out like the break of dawn, smashing her father's nose flat against his face. Warm blood trickled down his cheeks as he fell flat on his back, letting out a strangled yelp.

There was nothing in Marisa's eyes but cold-hearted indifference and a sprinkling of contempt. "You've hurt me for the last time, old man. I hope you like the shambles you've made out of our wonderful relationship. Come on, Reimu, let's go see Keine."

Reimu blinked. "Wh- Keine? Oh. Right, yeah. Her. Can we wait a bit first?" She turned her attention to Mr Kirisame, who was mostly back on his feet. "Mr Kirisame, I'm sorry this didn't work out for you, and I hope your nose recovers swiftly. Much of the blame lies with you, though. If you truly forgive Marisa, I suggest you look humbly for _her_ forgiveness, rather than trying to defend the way you abused her in the past. Perhaps next time-"

"Next time?! There isn't going to be a next time!" Marisa and her dad chorused. "Stop telling me what to do, you sanctimonious git!"

Realising what they'd done, Mr Kirisame and his daughter stared at each other in amazement.

 _Well, at least they agree on something._ Reimu hated to see a family divided, but she couldn't think of any way to undivide those two. At least the townsfolk had got some entertainment out of it. "Cirno, is there any popcorn left?"

"Only two mediums and a small. Sorry," the ice fairy replied, weaving her way through the disappointed crowd. "Do any of you want salted?"

"Yes, please!" said Marisa, licking her lips.

"That's a shame, 'cause they're all sugared," said Cirno. "So, uh, who wants what size?"

"If it were up to me, the man with a sizeable criminal record for child abuse would get the small one," Keine piped up. Reimu and Marisa both jumped as their silver-haired historian friend stepped out from behind Cirno's popcorn stand.

"What?! What about Marisa's criminal record?!" cried Mr Kirisame, puffing up with righteous fury. "Countless items stolen, countless people beaten up, entire buildings Master Sparked to smithereens-"

"I'm sorry, but my jurisdiction only covers the village," said Keine apologetically. "Which means Marisa has one count of assault and battery, four thefts, three hundred and sixty-seven late library books and seven outstanding parking fines against her, now that I mention it. If you weren't one of the best Incident-Resolvers we have, I doubt you'd be allowed here at all," the guardian and history teacher went on, handing Marisa the small popcorn.

"Guess I can't really complain..." sighed Marisa.

* * *

A moderate amount of popcorn later, our intrepid heroines had gotten their act together just about enough to ask Keine about the Agohakas.

"Hakiba, Kuichiko and Naruwaru, you say? This is all quite disturbing, but I'm afraid I wouldn't know an Agohaka if it sat on me," said Keine apologetically.

Marisa groaned. "You're kidding me!"

"Well, do you know anything at all about large-toothed youkai who might want to eat Gensokyo?" asked Reimu. "They said they were sealed for about a thousand years, so bear that in mind."

"Not off the top of my head, but... I think there might've been something, ah, _vaguely_ similar..." said Keine slowly, scratching the top of her head. There was nothing there to dislodge, so she wasn't too worried. "One thousand years. What sort of events took place more than a thousand years ago? I suppose there was the rain of bananas, the creation of the Bamboo Forest, the devouring of the Western Mountains, the legalisation of gay marriage throughout Gensokyo-"

"Wait, wait! What was the last one?!" cried Reimu.

"The legalisation of gay marriage. Polyamorous unions came a few hundred years later-"

"No, before that."

"Oh. The devouring of the Western Mountains."

"Devouring?!" Reimu and Marisa goggled at her. "Tell us everything, please!"

"As you wish. I had a broken wrist at the time, so I wasn't really able to participate, but I have a fair idea of what happened. Basically, the Western Mountains were devoured," Keine recounted. "One day, they were there, and the very next day, they were gone. In their place was a vast field of dust and rubble, still moist with saliva and pockmarked with caves. There were lots of mineral deposits exposed, too; great for the mining industry. At the centre of this wasteland lay three women-"

"The Agohakas?!" cried Marisa.

"What were their teeth like?" asked Reimu.

"If I could be permitted to get through a single paragraph without interruption, I will come to that," said Keine severely. "The women were too full to move, as if they'd just enjoyed an amazing meal. Only one of them had the energy even to speak. She said they were Terrafirmavores, creatures of infinite hunger from eastern Europe. Or something like that. To answer your question, one of them had quite large sabre teeth, and I'm told the second had a unicorn's horn for a nose."

"It's them. It has to be!" Marisa yelled triumphantly. "What happened to them, Keine?"

"A band of Gensokyo's finest Incident-Resolvers fought a great battle with the Terrafirmavores, ultimately defeating them and sealing them in a cave. Kiyumi Furuta, Fujiwaru no Mokou, Konohana-Sakuyahime, Ginko Morikawa, Eirin Yagokoro and a bloke with detachable arms were all involved, and a few others, perhaps."

"If it took that many to defeat them back then, I shudder to think how many people it would take now," said Reimu grimly.

"Well, why not fight them one at a time?" Keine offered.

"One at a-?" Reimu blinked. "Well, it's a start, I suppose... Anyway, can you do us a favour and keep an eye out for them? Hakiba is about five-foot-eight with quite a stocky build. She has brown eyes, short, scruffy light brown hair, a faded red-and-beige dress-"

"She's got tusks like a walrus. Trust me, you'll recognise her," said Marisa firmly. "Naruwaru's got a narwhal's tusk- probably the same as the unicorn horn you were told about- and Kuichiko... Well, I picture her as a sillhouette with glowing red eyes, but I've never actually seen her."

"Okay..." said Keine unsurely.

"If you see one, go ahead and fight her, but it won't be easy. If you see two of 'em, you might wanna break out the hakutaku... lycanthrope... shapeshifty stuff," Marisa advised her.

"I'll keep that in mind, assuming they have the decency to attack during the full moon. What spellcards do they use?" asked Keine.

"...Spellcards?"

"They don't know about the spellcard system," said Reimu. "They don't even use proper danmaku, just a barrage of hard, sharp teeth, and as to fair play..."

"They couldn't give a hoot," Marisa offered.

"Precisely," said Reimu.

"I see." Keine's voice was calm, but Reimu could see the worry in her eyes. (Marisa couldn't. She wasn't looking.) "Well, if there's anything I can do to help you bring these Terrafirmavores to justice, all you need to do is ask."

"Well, actually-" began Reimu.

"Providing it doesn't involve me leaving the village for more than a few minutes," Keine elaborated.

"...It can wait," sighed Reimu.

"Thanks, Keine. You've been a big help, and I'm only partially saying that to be polite," Marisa smiled. "Good luck protecting the village, teaching history and stuff."

"You're quite welcome. Good luck defeating the Agohakas," said Keine. "I have a feeling you're going to need it."

* * *

"Okay, where to next?" said Marisa as she elegantly mounted her broom.

"Ummmm..." replied Reimu, "Myouren Temple's quite nearby."

"We'll go there, then."

"Mm-hmm."

With that lengthy planning session behind them, our heroines soared to Myouren Temple. It wasn't a particularly long flight: just a few minutes over straggling woodland and patchwork fields until they reached the temple gates.

A gentle breeze washed over the banners flanking the pristine stone stairs to the temple, upon which quite a crowd was gathered. Ichirin, Nazrin, Shou, Unzan, Captain Murasa and countless monks were clustered around Byakuren. The head priest's eyes were wide with concern, concern aimed at a young woman in a blue cargo dress.

"Hey, it's Nitori!" cried Marisa.

Ichirin jumped out of her skin. "Hold on just one minute! I haven't given you permission to enter!"

"Well, can we have permission?" asked Reimu.

"Of course. Please come in, make yourselves at home," said Ichirin warmly.

"Thank you," said Reimu, bowing deeply. Ichirin did likewise.

Rolling her eyes, Marisa strode through the crowd to the kappa and head priest. "Hey, Byakuren, Nitori, everyone else. We've come to ask you about a bunch of strange women who want to eat Gensokyo."

Nitori's eyes widened with horror. "Th-there's more of them?"

"Perhaps I should explain. Kappa Valley has come under attack from an unprecedentedly powerful youkai," said Byakuren gravely. "She broke through their defences with ease before consuming one of their tanks-"

"My brother was on that tank! Sh-she bit his leg off before I could do anything!" Nitori wailed. "Please, Your Holiness, you have to do something! Send a platoon of your finest Buddhist warriors or something! Anything!"

"Buddhist... warriors?" Byakuren cleared her throat. "I assume you're referring to the Sohei order of warrior monks. I do my best to discourage violence in this temple, which means we have no Sohei, although all of my congregation are capable of defending themselves when necessary. I would not command any of them to employ violence for any cause."

"Awwwww..." several of the monks chorused.

Nitori's limpid eyes were overflowing with tears. "But... you've got to help! Please!"

"I, however, will gladly come," Byakuren continued. "Not to fight, but to talk this hungry woman out of causing any more pain. Sister Toramaru, I leave the temple in your capable hands. Reimu, Marisa, I trust you will help too?"

"Of course we will!"

"You betcha!"

Nitori went pale. "But- but no-one said anything about getting any humans involved. I mean, this is really youkai business-"

"Well, why not?! Humans and kappas are friends, right?" Marisa pointed out.

"Exactly! If a human gets hurt because she was defending a kappa, we'd never forgive ourselves!" wailed Nitori.

"There would be nothing to forgive. You need to trust us, Nitori," said Reimu firmly. "We've chosen to fight the Terrafirmavores-"

" _That's_ what they're called?!" wailed Nitori.

"-and by that choice we stand, even if it leads to our deaths. Even if I suffer a horrible, agonisingly slow demise inside the youkai's stomach, I won't blame you. You have nothing to worry about. Okay?"

Nitori flopped to the ground in a dead faint, squashing her backpack against the steps.

"I'll carry her," sighed Marisa, hoicking Nitori onto her back.

"Well, I believe that's settled. Shall we go?" asked Byakuren.

"Wait! What about us?!" cried Kyouko. "I know you left Shou in charge, but... well..."

"It is up to you," said Byakuren. "While I would not encourage you to do anything too drastic, the Untrodden Valley is in dire straits, and it would be unforgivable to abandon the kappas to their fate. I am not ordering any of you to come, it is true, but nor am I ordering any of you _not_ to come."

"Well, why didn't you say so sooner? You have my mop and bucket!" cried Kyouko.

"And my hakkero!" declared Marisa.

"And my shrine maiden paraphernalia," said Reimu.

"And my anchor!" said Captain Murasa.

"And my Unzan!" declared Ichirin.

"You're the guards. You're staying," said Shou firmly.

* * *

Marisa's broomstick was built for speed, but it was not built for passengers. With Nitori and her heavy backpack on board, Marisa was sweating buckets from both the effort and the heat.

Nobody else (except Reimu) was faring much better. Unless you were a crow tengu, an unburdened broomstick-rider or the Shrine Maiden of Paradise, a high-speed flight across Gensokyo was like running a marathon. The main problem was air resistance. At the speed they were going, it was like being blasted by a constant gale, a wind determined to steal Byakuren's hat or make Captain Murasa drop her massive forty-kilogramme anchor. The wind would have to go hungry, though, as the warriors ploughed on with grim determination.

All too soon, Reimu caught site of a plume of black smoke pouring into the sky beside Youkai Mountain. "That doesn't look good," she stated the obvious. "Is everyone ready?"

"You betcha!" declared Marisa.

"Of course," agreed Byakuren.

"Sure," said Kyouko.

"Nitori? What about you?"

Nitori said nothing. To be fair to her, she was still a little bit unconscious.

"Hey, Nitori, wake up!" Marisa screamed.

Nitori's eyes fluttered open. She reached up to brush a strand of hair off her face, straightening out her cap in the process. "Marisa? What's going on?"

"You fainted. We're flying to Kappa Valley to kick Terrafirmavore behind," Marisa summed up. "How're you feeling?"

"I've been better. Just... Please, don't get in over your head, all right? I mean, I'd never forgive myself. I'll let you have a cucumber sandwich if you don't get killed," said Nitori pleadingly.

"Cucumber?!" cried Marisa, sticking out her tongue. "I'd rather eat-"

One of Reimu's orbs thwacked into Marisa's head, knocking her for six. Too shocked to speak, she dangled by one arm from the tip of her broom, holding onto just enough consciousness not to let go.

"Oh deary me, I'm _so_ sorry! I lost control of my orbs right before Marisa was going to explain how much she _adores_ cucumber. Only natural, considering _it's the kappas' favourite food_ , and us being allowed so much as a nibble _IS A HUGE HONOUR, RIGHT, MARISA?_ "

"R-right..." Marisa whimpered.

By the time Marisa had clambered back onto her broom, it was time to land, which put her out a little. The group alighted amid lush, verdant bushes beside a cheerful stream. No-one arriving there for the first time would ever have suspected what a tremendous township of top-notch technology lay just inside the valley.

"Okay, from now on we'll proceed on foot," said Reimu. "Be sure to watch your step. If you see an Agohaka, go for her, take her by surprise. We'll be right behind you."

"Why do we need to watch our step? Are there mines?" Kyouko asked nervously.

"No. It's just a bit muddy," Reimu explained.

As soon as the party stepped (or, in the heavily-burdened Murasa's case, slogged) past the final few bushes, they were greeted by a sight terrible enough to stop their hearts cold. Hundreds of kappa lay bleeding in the roads, tended by a handful of weary doctors. The dead were piled up beside the half-eaten radio tower, many of them missing a limb, a head, or even half a body. Everywhere, buildings lay shattered and chewed, concrete and solid metal bearing the marks of razor-sharp teeth. The cucumber fields by the river were torn and churned up like compost heaps. Not even the valley itself had escaped, pockmarked as it was by huge, moist caves where the very bedrock seemed to have been eaten away. Let's face it, the very bedrock _had_ been eaten away.

After a few moments of stunned silence, Nitori fell to her knees and howled.

"N-no..." Byakuren breathed, her eyes moistening with tears. "How could anybody do this? How could she take so much?"

"How could she be such a messy eater?" breathed Marisa, her face a mask of horror.

"WHY?!" Nitori screamed.

"I don't know. Can I phone a friend?" whimpered Kyouko.

A couple of kappa had broken off from the main group and were heading towards the new arrivals. One of them, waddling along with a clunky mechanical leg attached to his right hip, ran over as soon as he caught sight of them.

"Sister! You're back!" the robot-legged kappa cried, taking Nitori's hands.

"Sh-Shigeru? Oh, Shigeru, it's horrible!" Nitori wailed, falling into her brother's arms and crying some more. "That miserable, evil beast! It's all gone! Everything's gone! No more Untrodden Valley."

"She was too strong. There was nothing we could do to stop her," Shigeru recounted, his eyes hollow with grief. "By the time we got all the giant robots out of mothballs, she'd called in her pet worms." Shedding enough tears to match Nitori, he buried his face in her shoulder and cried.

"I should've gone straight to the Tengu. I shouldn't've taken so long," whimpered Nitori. "This is all my fault. I'm sorry, Shigeru! I'M SORRY!"

"Lord Tenma wouldn't've done anything! They've got Youkai Mountain in lockdown! You did everything you could, Nitori. Don't blame yourself. We need you."

"Pet worms?" Reimu repeated. "Why does that phrase worry me so?"

"They were as big as houses," a grim-faced kappa explained. "They had the strength and the appetite to match. If that Kuichiko'd been alone, we could've killed her, but not with them around."

"Oh," said Reimu, in a small voice.

"It was Kuichiko?" Marisa piped up. "What was she like? What was her shoe size?!"

" _Shoe size?!_ I'm sorry, I was too busy fighting to protect the valley to measure that monster's feet. I'll try to do better next time," the kappa said icily. "As for what she was like, I'll go with "heartless sadist"."

"Right," said Marisa, in a small voice.

Exhausted of tears, Nitori slowly straightened herself. She barely had the strength to look into her brother's haggard face. "What do we do now, Shigeru?"

"I'd go with "try to rebuild our lives"," Shigeru sniffled. "One step at a time. We've been through worse times than this." He paused, his brow furrowing. "Actually, no, we haven't."

"Well, then." Nitori took a deep breath. "The first thing to do is get the generator working."

"That won't be easy. She sort of ate it," said Shigeru.

"Oh. Well, the first thing to do is build a new generator," Nitori decided. "So, uh, I'll go and do that. Right. That's settled."

"Want any help?" Shigeru offered.

"Oh, no, I think I can manage. I mean, I built one before," said Nitori, setting off at a brisk pace to the most intact-looking workshop.

Satisfied, Shigeru turned his attention to Byakuren. "Nitori brought you here to help us, right?"

"Yes. What would you have us do?"

"Help the injured, get people food and shelter, keep morale up... That sort of thing," said Shigeru vaguely. "It might be an idea to keep an eye out for giant worms, too."

"Keep plenty of eyes out. Those things were horrible," said the grim-faced kappa, shuddering.

"Well, we've got ten eyes between us. Should be plenty," said Marisa confidently. "I'll patrol the valley, keep a lookout-"

"Wait a second! You're good at fire magic, aren't you?" the grim-faced kappa interrupted.

"Yeah...?"

"Well, then, you can be our water-purifier!" the grim-faced kappa cried, her face losing grimness by the second. "There's quite a bit of blood and grime in the river, so I wouldn't want to drink it unboiled."

"You want me to boil your water?" Marisa repeated.

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Oh, here we go! "I'm too powerful to do menial labour! What's my motivation?! Ain't no-one gonna make me get up off my lazy bum to do anything for those less fortunate than me! This task is beneath me!" Honestly, Marisa, you're-"

"I can heat lots more than just water, y'know. Food, buildings... Anything you need, really. I've got a few spells for construction and bookbinding, too. Don't ask why. And moving heavy objects. You can ask about that if you like. Basically, just point me at whatever you need magicked and I'll get it done," Marisa continued.

"Well, we'll start with the water, then see what else needs doing," the not-so-grim-faced-any-more kappa decided, taking Marisa's hand and leading her to the river.

"...Um." Reimu cleared her throat. "You know, I've always admired how the best of humanity tends to shine through at times like this."

* * *

It was past midnight when Reimu, Marisa and the Myouren Temple crew got to bed. Captain Murasa was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow (an old wellington boot stuffed with paper), snuggling up to her anchor and snoring like a Formula One car in full cry. A couple of cucumber sandwiches sat by the rusty electric heater, just in case an injured kappa came stumbling in from some remote corner of the valley.

"Gods, I'm bushed..." Marisa groaned, shifting her futon a little closer to Reimu's. "I had no idea humanitarian crises were so much work! Looking for people, handing out food and water, evacuating people to Youkai Mountain, fighting off a buncha' tengu, retreating from Youkai Mountain, building shelters, dealing with rioters, trying to get a food supply..." Marisa's voice grew softer as she imagined the work they hadn't yet started. "Counselling, finding new homes for children, helping people make something of their sundered lives even after decades of grief, trying to come to terms with the fact that Kappa Valley will never be the same again, never feel like the wonderful, safe, happy home it once was..."

"You don't need to remind us," said Nitori. "I mean, believe me, I noticed."

"I know. I'm sorry," said Marisa, in a small voice.

"Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, I'm glad you're helping. All of you. I mean, a woman who can pull a giant robot out of the river by hand...!"

Byakuren's cheeks reddened. "What can I say? I eat plenty of spinach."

Captain Murasa muttered something in her sleep, her brow furrowing.

"A lovely choice of vegetable. So, uh, to put it simply, thank you. We'll be back on our feet a bit sooner and with slightly less heartache thanks to you, and, um... yeah," Nitori eloquently summed up.

"Actually, we're leaving tomorrow morning," Reimu piped up. "Marisa and I still have to track down the Agohakas, and as for the-"

"We're staying," said Kyouko firmly. "At least, I think so. We are staying, aren't we?"

"We are," Byakuren smiled. Kyouko often had that effect on her.

"Oh. Right," said Nitori simply. There was only a little disappointment in her eyes. "Well, could you do me a big favour and make Kuichiko eat her own spleen? Without any barbecue sauce?"

"We'll see how it goes," Reimu hedged. The kappas had every right to want painful, bloody revenge, and it wasn't her place to censure them. "We need a good night's sleep first, though, don't we?"

"'Course we do," said Marisa, letting out an expansive yawn with perfect timing. "Sweet dreams, everybody. Don't let the... bedbugsszzzzz..."

"Naruwaru's escaped! Naruwaru's escaped!"

"WHAT?!" Reimu and Marisa screamed in perfect harmony.

"She said "Naruwaru's escaped! Naruwaru's escaped!", didn't she?" said Byakuren.

A panic-stricken fairy fluttered in through the window, her skirt tearing on a sharp bit of glass. She barely noticed. "The scary walrus lady ate her way out of the basement! Come quick! Hey, are those cucumber sandwiches?"

"Go on, then," sighed Nitori.

"Ate?!" cried Reimu.

"That's right. The wards can only protect against magic, not teeth. Yay, I love cucumber!" the fairy confirmed, merrily tucking in.

With a deep, heartfelt sigh, Reimu stood up. "Let's go, Marisa."

"Are you kidding?!"

"No. We have to find Naruwaru."

"...Of course you're not. And of course we do," said Marisa miserably. "Of course! Obviously. I mean, this is my lot in life, right? I love doing this. I wouldn't give this up for anything."


	4. Chapter 4

**~Chapter Four: Discombobulation of Scarlet Devil~**

 **OR:**

 **~Marisa Checks her Privilege~**

A new day was dawning in Scarlet Devil Mansion, which meant plenty of work for Sakuya.

"Would anybody care for some more soup?"

"Please!" said Reimu enthusiastically, holding out her bowl. Sakuya ladled out another serving of piping-hot miso soup, which Reimu industriously gulped down. She lived for soup. Even after three hours out in the cold searching high and low for a missing Terrafirmavore followed by a pitiful excuse for a night's sleep, a bowl (or three) of miso soup made everything better.

"You're most welcome, I'm sure." Sakuya turned her attention to the Scarlet sisters. "How about you, Mistresses? Some more tea, black pudding, anything?"

"No thank you. I'm fine," said Remilia.

"Is there any ice cream?" asked Flandre hopefully.

"I'm afraid we only have pistachio and lemon sorbet. Will either of those suffice?"

Flandre mulled it over for a few seconds. "Well, uh... Can I have lemon with blood drizzled over it?"

"Certainly, Mistress." Sakuya bowed deeply and stopped time. Within an instant (which contained a lengthy round-trip to the kitchen and blood bank), she was standing by Flandre with a rather gorey cone of lemon sorbet.

"Yay! Thank you!" squeaked Flandre, merrily tucking in.

Relieved, but not for a moment showing it, Sakuya turned her attention to Marisa and Meiling. "Would either of you care for- oh, I can see you've taken measures of your own. I hope you don't get too comfortable like that."

Marisa was snoozing on Meiling's lap. Her improvised bed was thoughtfully polishing off a bowl of rice.

Satisfied that she'd carried out her duties for the morning, Sakuya seated herself primly at the foot of the table and helped herself to the rice.

Patchouli cleared her throat. The noise started out as a soft, damp wheeze and rapidly grew into a rumbling growl, then a lengthy coughing fit. Satisfied that she'd got everyone's attention, Patchouli spoke."I looked up "Terrafirmavore" last night as you asked me. There isn't much good news, I'm afraid, although I did uncover an ancient legend about a Terrafirmavore fertilising the northern half of Germany."

"Fertilising? How?" asked Reimu.

"Well, you know..." Patchouli racked her brains for a suitable euphemism. "With his, you know, by-products. Stuff that had, um, taken a lengthy journey. Inside him. Through his digestive system."

Flandre's face turned a sickly green. Her ice cream fell from her hand, landing forlornly on the tablecloth.

Remilia raised her eyebrows. "The whole of north Germany? With one stomach?"

"He ate a mountain, apparently, and his body turned all the stone into fertile compost. Then it was just a matter of, well, um, taking aim at the fields and-"

"You can spare us the details, Patchouli. We get the idea," said Reimu firmly, pushing aside her empty soup bowl. "Anyway, we need to plan for today. The first thing we should do is search the grounds. If Naruwaru left any clues as to where she went, we'll be able to find them by the light of day. After that, we'll most likely resume our hunt for the sisters, and depending on what we find-"

"Who's "we"?" Remilia interrupted.

"Myself, Marisa, and anybody else who cares for the safety of Gensokyo. Somebody, perhaps, eager for revenge after she was humiliated by an Agohaka?"

Remilia's face reddened. Meiling's chopsticks snapped between her fingers.

"Quite frankly, we need all the help we can get with this Incident. Even Cirno would do, not that she's likely to put her strength behind us, so you can see why we'd want the legendary Scarlets on our side. I mean, the world's strongest vampires- no, it's strongest youkai altogether- are bound to tip the scales against those Terrafirmavores. Won't you please help us?" said Reimu cajolingly.

"Ah, well, now..." Remilia was still blushing, but for slightly different reasons. "Not that I wouldn't love to help out, but, uh, haven't you got three of Myouren Temple's finest warriors with you already?"

"They're staying to help rebuild Kappa Valley."

"Oh. Right," said Remilia.

"So, are you with us? "

Desperately wishing the ground would open up and swallow her, but realising with a sinking feeling that it wouldn't, Remilia racked her brains for an excuse. "I... M-my left wing's been feeling a touch stiff lately, you see, and, and... My, uh, socks are a bit too tight. Sort of pinching, you know? Around the toes, that general, um, area. I mean, I'd love to help..." Remilia cleared her throat. "You see, Ms Hakurei, I fear I really must decline. Because reasons. Perhaps you might take one of my subordinates in my stead?"

Reimu tilted her head in acquiescence. "In that case-"

"Thought you'd never ask!" cried Meiling, leaping to her feet. Marisa was sent flying with a yelp of protest.

"You'll-?" Reimu began.

"Count on it! I still owe Naruwaru an impaled foot, after all," said Meiling fiercely. "I can go, can't I? Please?"

"Actually-" began Sakuya.

"Of course you can! By all the gods, Meiling, your spirit makes me proud to have hired you! Go for it! Show those filthy Agohakas the true meaning of, uh, stuff! I wish I was going with you, but, y'know... responsibilities..." sighed Remilia.

"I fear you don't understand. Meiling is the only one of us with the strength to fight these Terrafirmavores hand-to-hand. We need her," Sakuya insisted.

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Remilia. Sakuya stiffened, but said nothing.

* * *

"You guys really know how to make a good breakfast," Marisa smiled as she, Reimu, Sakuya and Meiling wove through the mansion's maze-like corridors. "Pity I slept through most of it."

"I know how you feel," said Meiling.

"Well, you didn't miss much," Reimu reassured her.

"I'm rested, though. That's what counts," Marisa decided. "Boy, do I feel great! I'm ready to take on the world!"

"Well, we'll hope for the best," said Sakuya diplomatically.

Meiling soon led them to a flight of rough stone stairs leading down into a dark, dank cavern of a basement, set dimly aglow by a torch anchored to the wall. A three-inch-thick titanium door hung ajar at the head of the stairs, creaking in protest as the redheaded gardener pulled it open.

"I should warn you, she's been at the fridge. It's not a pretty sight," said Meiling, stepping down into the basement.

"Says the person who doesn't have to clean it up," grumbled Sakuya.

Reimu followed the gardener, making a quick check of the wards as she went: just your typical anti-magic, anti-teleportation barriers in the walls and door. A sticky pool of fast-congealing chocolate milk embraced her feet.

There was a small, soggy splat. "Oh, gods, I stepped in a watermelon..." groaned Meiling.

"Just what are that girl's teeth made of?" Marisa pondered, ignoring her friends magnificently while she inspected the tunnel dug through the far wall. It was rough and ragged, lined with dust and broken rock and a few scraps of fabric. "Reimu, is this anything like that tunnel Yukari showed you?"

"Kind of. It's a bit messier and a tighter fit, but mostly the same," said Reimu thoughtfully. "What I'm wondering is what she did with all the rock."

"Rock?" repeated Sakuya.

"It can't just have disappeared. A tunnel like this would've contained at least a few tonnes of rock to begin with, and it has to go somewhere. I don't understand it! Where did she put it all?!"

"She ate it, of course. I mean, really, Kuichiko ate a house and three tanks! Eating out a tunnel would be small beans for her," said Marisa firmly. "We can't just go over old ground all day. We need to find these nutjobs and bring them to justice, and we start by tracing their steps."

So saying, Marisa clambered into the tunnel, calling a magical glow to light her way. Just a minor enchantment, too small for the wards to pick up. The tunnel lay horizontal for a few metres before curving sharply upwards. Marisa barked her shin on the sudden incline, swore loudly and creatively, and began her ascent.

"Be careful!" Reimu called after her.

"Gee, thanks! I'd never've thought of being careful without you reminding me!" Marisa replied, her voice echoing through the tunnel. She eased herself up over a sharp bit of rock, only to find herself face-to-face with a wall of rusted metal.

"Hey, I've found a metal thingy! It's big and flat and sort of grey-brown!" shouted Marisa.

"Probably the hot water tank!" came Sakuya's reply.

Well, this was an interesting turn of events. Naruwaru seemed to have found her way past the tank, though; the tunnel skirted around to the left, a dim glow just visible a way past it. The exit. It was so close to the mansion. Even sleep-deprived and in the dark, Marisa struggled to believe they could've missed it.

"She tunnelled around the hot water tank! I'm gonna follow it up to the surface!" declared Marisa. She crawled off to the left, managing to graze both her elbows and swear even more in the process, until she came to a sharp bend to the right. An inch-wide shaft rose straight up to the surface, letting a few rays of light cast their faint glow onto the floor. Beyond the little hole, the tunnel quickly widened out, allowing a grateful Marisa to stand up and stretch. In front of her, the tunnel went on... and on... and on.

"Sorry, false alarm! It doesn't surface, it was just a little air hole! Listen, you'd better get in here with me, this is gonna be a long tunnel!"

In the basement, Reimu let out a deep, heartfelt sigh.

"What's wrong? Scared of tunnels?" asked Meiling sensitively.

"Nothing," sighed Reimu. Cupping her hands over her mouth, she called out to Marisa. "Okay! We'll be along in a minute! Sit tight!"

Resolving to track down Yukari and give her a piece of her mind, Reimu crawled into the tunnel.

"You coming?" asked Meiling.

"No. I can't very well leave the mansion unguarded," said Sakuya. "Listen, Meiling... Um, please try not to overwork your foot. And stay safe, won't you? I need you. I-I mean _we_ need you! Not that I don't, um, personally need you, it's just, er, um... I, ah, that is to say-"

Meiling's lips brushed against Sakuya's cheek. "I know what you're trying to say, Sakuya. I need you too. We won't have to go without each other for long," she whispered, muffled slightly by Sakuya's cheek. "I love you. I'll love you forever."

They shared a warm, loving kiss, breaking off when Marisa started screaming at them to get a move-on. Meiling pulled herself reluctantly from Sakuya's arms and clambered into the tunnel.

* * *

"This is a really long tunnel," Marisa muttered as she stepped carefully past a sharp stone. "How long've we been going? Five hours?"

"Could be," said Meiling resignedly. "I hope we don't end up in the Palace of the Earth Spirits. This'll be quite hard to explain."

"Not impossible, though," Marisa reassured her. "In any case, how about a quick stop for lunch?"

"That's the best idea I've heard all day! You got it, sister!"

In an split second, Reimu whipped a tablecloth out of her pocket and spread it out over the tunnel floor.

Marisa blinked. "Sister?"

"All right, we've got a choice between avocado noodle soup, avocado noodle soup and avocado noodle soup. Who wants what?" asked Reimu, retrieving an ornate vacuum flask and three wooden bowls from her other pocket.

"Uh... Avocado noodle soup, please," said Marisa, mollified.

"Wait, wait, wait! That's Sakuya's best vacuum flask! Did she give you this soup?" demanded Meiling.

"Of course she did," smiled Reimu, pouring Marisa a bowlful. "Well, not technically me. Marisa gave it to me after Sakuya gave it to her."

Meiling's eyebrows rose in unison.

"Oh, wow, this is the loveliest avocado noodle soup I've ever tasted! So glad I nicked it!" squealed Marisa, her eyes wide with culinary amazement.

"I knew it," said Meiling.

Reimu took a sip of her soup. "Oh, my days! Oh! So, so good! Incredible! A marvel! I'm in heaven!" Delirious with ecstasy, Reimu keeled over backwards, clutching the warm bowl of soup to her heart and not spilling a single drop. "This is the happiest day of my life. I don't want this moment ever to end."

"It is pretty good. Not so much salt this time," said Meiling approvingly as she tasted her soup. "It seems a bit hot for eating underground, though. Hey, Marisa, did you steal any ice cream?"

"Nope. Sorry."

Meiling took another sip of soup, a few noodles brushing up against her nose and cheeks. Temperature aside, the noodles were going to be a problem: their hands were filthy and they only had two sets of chopsticks between them. Maybe she could pluck the noodles out of the bowl with her lips, or fish them out with her tongue. It was a knotty problem, to be sure, and one she doubted she could figure out soon enough.

"Meiling, you look like you're having a few problems," Reimu observed, sidling over to her with a pair of clean wooden chopsticks in hand. "Here, you can use these."

"Thanks, but how are you going to eat yours?"

"With a duplex barrier," smiled Reimu. With a wave of her hand, she summoned a shimmering blue forcefield over her lap. Meiling stared in wonderment as Reimu broke the barrier in half and rolled each piece into a chopstick. With makeshift eating implements in hand, Reimu cheerfully tucked in.

"Golly," said Meiling. "Gosh."

Meiling felt glad to have got that off her chest. She set upon her meal with renewed vigour, savouring the warm, savoury liquid and the soft-yet-durable noodles as they flowed down her throat.

"How d'you feel about some fresh air?" Marisa proposed, rising to her feet. "It's been half an hour since our last air-hole, we should probably make a new one soonish."

"Go right ahead. Don't get any soil in my soup, though," Reimu warned her.

"No worries! I'll be careful!" said Marisa breezily, whipping out her mini-hakkero and aiming it at the ceiling.

* * *

"You've got your ear to the ground, Tsukiko. Any idea why Reimu and Marisa had to skip out on us like that?"

The erstwhile grim-faced kappa thought for a moment before replying. "I don't think they skipped out on us as such. They had to hunt down the Agohakas before any other civilisations got eaten, so that's what took precedence. If they could've stayed here to help us, I'm sure they would." Tsukiko's brow furrowed. "Well, Marisa would've."

"I guess..." the other kappa sighed. "Still, at least Byakuren and her pals are here, and most of us are back on our feet. We don't need those two cluttering up the place."

"Say what you want, but they'll be back once they've dealt with the Agohakas."

"We won't need them by then."

"Oh, we might. I wouldn't say no to some extra pairs of hands," Tsukiko reasoned. "It'll be a while before we see them again, though, that I admit."

"MASTER SPARK!"

An explosion of light and sound tore through the earth, singeing Tsukiko's left arm and part of her hair. Red-hot soil and shattered stone rained down around the terrified kappas. It was several seconds before either of them dared to open their eyes.

"Ahhhh! Fresh air at last!"

The black-and-white witch was climbing out of the blast crater, filling her lungs with the cucumber-scented air of Kappa Valley.

"I don't believe it! Not a spot of soil in my soup!" gasped Reimu.

"That's 'cause I vaporised all of it. Come on up, there's air enough for everyone!" said Marisa brightly. She cast her eyes around the valley, blinked a few times, and screamed.

* * *

Remilia's doll's house was forgotten the moment Sakuya stepped into the room, a breakfast tray in hand. "Sakuya, what happened to Meiling?! Is she okay?! She hasn't been eaten, has she?!"

"As a matter of fact, Mistress, this letter arrived a short while ago," the maid declared, depositing the tray on the bed and retrieving a crisp white envelope from her pocket. "It seems to be from Kappa Valley. I dread to think what that hopeless, disloyal layabout for whom I have nothing but professional detachment and a small helping of contempt has gotten herself into this time."

"Well, go on, read it! Read it! Read it! I can't wait!" Remilia insisted.

"I shall, if you would permit me a moment's silence," Sakuya tactfully requested. Plucking a razor-sharp throwing knife from her other pocket, she sliced the envelope open and retrieved a cucumber-scented letter.

Remilia was no fool. She could see Sakuya's face light up as she read the first sentence.

 _"My dearest darlingest sweetie-pie Sakuya,  
I regret to inform you that I have been retained, in the Untrodden  
Valley, following a minor tunelling accident, courtesy of Marisa.  
The tunell, by which Naruwaru escaped, from our basement, is far  
far longer than we could ever have antissipated; even now, we  
have no idea as to of where its end point is. Thus far, we have ma-  
naged to reach the Untrodden Valley, where the accident took  
place."_

That was Meiling's hand for sure. It was a wonder the global comma supply could keep up with her.

 _"The air supply, in the tunell, is unfit for three people, so we have  
had to surface periodicaly, for air. Marisa was given the task of  
Master Sparking through the ceiling, to breach it. While we were  
beneath the Untrodden Valley, Marissa made us another air-  
hole, revealing our presence. It was an awkward moment. She  
then passed out. Upon wakeing up, she insisted that we help the  
kappas, to rebuild, and tend their wounded, for another day. I  
think she has a guilty conciensce._

 _At the time of my writing this, we are settling down to bed, and  
will depart tomorrow morning, to continue our search, for the  
Aggohacker Sisters. The tunell cannot be that much longer; I am  
confidant that we will succeed, within a matter of a few days._

 _You are in my heart always. In case you wish to know, I am curr-  
ently wearing pink-and-green stripy bloomers-"_

Sakuya's cheeks reddened like peaches being spray-painted red.

"Ooooohhhh!" cried Remilia, her face lighting up with glee. "How wildly inappropriate for a gardener to be so familiar with the head maid! You'll have to punish her severely for this!"

Sakuya coughed several times before she could muster the courage to speak. "I-I quite agree. Quite agree. Yes. Very. I'll have some strong words with her."

"Words like "will you marry me?", I should think," said Remilia, grinning from ear to ear.

"I... I... I'm not attracted to women," whimpered Sakuya, her face as red as a bucket of ripe tomatoes. "And she's... I wouldn't... I, er, um, ohhh..."

* * *

"I miss Meiling..." sighed Flandre.

"You're not the only one," muttered Sakuya.

"Hmm?" said Patchouli, glancing up from her copy of "The Complete History of Gensokyo, Vol 86", which covered the years 1207 to 1232.

"I... I said "I'm mildly fond of Meiling in a completely professional way"," lied Sakuya. "It's not as if I have any feelings for her. Really, I am most insulted that you feel the need to keep teasing me."

"Sakuya, you sleep with a picture of her under your pillow," Remilia pointed out.

Sakuya opened her mouth to protest. Realising the futility of such action, she shut it again, opting for a weary sigh instead.

"She'd be having her nap about now, wouldn't she?" said Remilia.

"You're right," Sakuya smiled. "Every afternoon, just like clockwork. Flandre would read her a story and tuck her into her sleeping bag, and she'd be out like a light. Then I'd go and wake her up an hour later. Tickle her feet, perhaps, or give her a quick water balloon in the face...! Those were such happy days, Mistress. Such happy days."

"She was a really great audience. I never felt so appreciated," Flandre piped up from her perch on top of the washing machine. She'd already covered it in stickers, glitter and posters of her favourite bands.

"I don't see why you're all so worried. She's hardly been gone at all," Patchouli piped up. "She'll be back in a couple of days. Then you can tickle her feet all you like."

Sakuya went crimson. "P-please don't say things like that!" Deciding she'd better change the subject, Sakuya turned her attention to Remilia. "Mistress, if I may make so bold, why did you send Meiling away?"

Well, at least it was a subject that didn't involve tickling.

"Why? It was my duty!" said Remilia fiercely, drawing herself up to her full height. "I cannot simply sit by and allow Gensokyo to fall into ruin. I am the Scarlet Devil, Queen of the Night, Empress of the Eternal Reaches, Supreme Overlady of the Shadow Realm and greatest of all youkai, living or dead. For me to abandon Gensokyo to the ravages of these Agohakas would be unforgivable!"

Remilia's sheer childish hypocrisy would have overwhelmed a lesser woman, but Sakuya stood her ground. "I see. Naturally, your responsibilities here prevent you from going in person..."

"Naturally," agreed Remilia.

"A pity. I bet you could easily take one of those sisters if you were really trying."

Remilia stiffened. "Just what are you trying to say, Sakuya?"

"Me, trying to say something? Never!" cried Sakuya, her eyes wide with fake innocence.

"She's asking how Hakiba beat you," Patchouli grunted. "I mean, realistically, how could you lose so easily?"

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Remilia.

"Make me," Patchouli invited her.

"I will!"

"Then do so."

"I swear to all the gods I shall!"

"Then hurry up and do it!"

Remilia fell silent, staring pensively her feet.

When Patchouli spoke again, it was in tender, loving tones. "Remilia? Hello? Anyone home? Remi, are you all right?"

Remilia said nothing.

"You know you can tell me, Remi. I'll always be here for you, even if you made a ridiculously embarrassing mistake." Patchouli put her arm around Remilia's shoulder. "Come now, what really happened?"

"I..." Remilia took a deep breath. "I'd turned into a swarm of bats to evade her bullets. Things were going pretty well, right until she came up and-!" Remilia gulped. "Sh-she ate one of me! One of the bats, I mean. It felt like a piece of me had been... cut off, sealed away forever. I couldn't do anything to her!" Burying her face in Patchouli's shoulder, Remilia burst into tears.

"Oh, my gods, Remilia...! I can't even begin to imagine how that must feel," said Patchouli, her eyes wide with horror.

"Deeply unpleasant," whimpered Remilia.

"Well, quite," said Patchouli.

"Does this mean you've been... diminished? Permanently?" asked Sakuya. There was no sensitive way she could put it, but she had to ask.

"No, not really. If I get enough blood to drink, I'll be fine in a couple of days," said Remilia matter-of-factly. "Then again, that's not really the point, is it? I've been emotionally scarred. I doubt I'll ever have the courage to fight anyone ever again."

"Well, this shouldn't be too hard to sort out," Patchouli decided. "I say, Flandre, I think your sister wants to play danmaku."

Flandre gasped, her eyes lighting up with joy. "Really?! Oh, boy!"

"No! No! Patchouli, what the-?!" was all Remilia could stammer out before Flandre blasted her through the roof.

* * *

For the most part, Naruwaru's tunnel had been straight and smooth, so the sight of a sharp U-turn right at the start of Day Two made Reimu and Marisa despair. Meiling pointed out that Naruwaru must have realised where she wanted to go, which buoyed them up a little. Marisa getting the packed lunch out a couple of hours later buoyed them up even more.

"To be honesht, we'f been fitting on thish lot for dayzh. Eferyone'f been feeding ush so well we didn't need it untiw now," Marisa explained, through a mouthful of pork pie.

"You really like British food, don't you?" Meiling commented, giving her cheese sandwich a dubious look.

Marisa swallowed noisily. "Well, yeah. At the end of the day, they're a buncha' rainy islands with bucketloads of fish, and you can't go wrong with those credentials! I can do without white bread and milk in my tea, though."

Sufficiently buoyed up, the Incident-Resolvement Party set off down the tunnel once more. After a few more hours, Reimu noticed a faint light ahead.

"Now, I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, but I believe we're getting near the end," said Reimu calmly.

Marisa let out a whoop of joy. "You're right! We did it! Finally! Oh, my gods, this is the happiest day of my life! I love you, Reimu! And you!"

"What?! My heart belongs to Sakuya alone-"

"Come on, let's go!" Marisa declared. She charged off down the tunnel, kicking up a fearsome dust cloud that left her companions floundering in her wake.

Marisa's excitement grew as she came closer to the light. There was no mistaking it. This wasn't just a little air-hole, it was a full-blown exit. She had to hand it to Naruwaru, the tunnel had truly been one to remember. Right now, though, all she wanted was some fresh air and vitamin D.

Marisa leapt from the mouth of the tunnel, landing with a squeal of delight on soft, green grass. The sky was so bright it seemed to sear her eyes, prompting her to roll over and stretch out over the grass.

Meiling flumped down beside Marisa, lowering her hat over her eyes. Her clothes were dusted grey and brown, her trousers scuffed almost bare around the shins. On her skin, the soil had mixed with copious amounts of sweat, coating her in slimy mud. Marisa knew she probably looked even worse, so she refrained from judgement.

Meiling smiled a tired-yet-mostly-cheerful smile as she met Marisa's eyes. "Finally made it."

"We did!" Marisa grinned, rising to her feet. "Where are we, though? I've kinda lost my bearings..."

"It looks like a hillside to me," Reimu commented as she emerged from the tunnel.

"Guess so." Marisa looked back towards the tunnel. The hill rose gently above the crumbling maw, flattening out beneath a forest that stretched from horizon to horizon. Opposite the forest was a shimmering blue lake, shrouded in white wisps of mist.

Marisa's eyes widened. "Wait a minute, we're right next to Misty Lake!" Over to the right she could just make out a cluster of reddish-brown towers poking out above the forest. "And that's Scarlet Devil Mansion! And that big grey thing over there must be Youkai Mountain!" Marisa laughed. "This is... this is crazy! She's brought us right back where we started, give or take a mile. Gods, I'm sick of this! We're getting nowhere! We haven't done anything except chase our own tails and waste time and-!"

Marisa's voice caught. She fell to her knees, howling with grief and rage, soaking the ground with tears. "We're hopeless, you guys. The Agohakas are gonna win. At this rate, th-they're gonna eat everything before we even know what Kuichiko looks like. Thousands of people are gonna die and it's all my fault!"

Reimu looked at Meiling.

Meiling shrugged. "You're her bestest-ever friend, not me."

Reimu laid what she hoped was a tender hand on Marisa's shoulder. "What's wrong, Marisa?"

"We haven't made any stupid, miserable, self-righteous godsdamned _PROGRESS_!" howled Marisa. "We could've saved Kappa Valley if we'd just been a little quicker off the mark, but no! All we do is bumble around and do nothing! Well, we've got to do better!"

Reimu blinked.

"Oh, let's crawl through this stupid tunnel all day! Let's go spend hours eating sashimi! Let's talk to the most _useless_ historian in the whole world!" Marisa ranted, doing a passable Reimu impression. "Let's go and pick flowers! Let's spend a week sunning ourselves in Taiwan!"

"Marisa."

"WHAT?!"

"Hakiba ate my shrine. Tell me, how do you think I feel?" asked Reimu, her voice as calm as a volcano due for an eruption any minute.

"You what?! I-!" Marisa paused. It was true, Reimu had more to be upset about than most people. "Sad, I guess. Angry."

"And do you see me crying or trying to do _your_ accent?"

"...No."

"Good. Because I _am_ sad, I _am_ angry, and I fully intend to hunt down and pummel the Terrafirmavores until they cry and beg for mercy. Believe me when I say that everything I've done so far was for that purpose and that purpose alone," said Reimu severely.

"Including stuffing yourself with sashimi and passing out on my lap?"

"...Maybe. Look, Marisa, you're the one who insisted we help out in Kappa Valley again yesterday. Why was that?"

"We _had_ to help!"

"Did we, Marisa? Did we? We are just two people-"

Meiling cleared her throat.

" _Three_ people," Reimu corrected herself. "Relative to, say, twenty people, we would hardly have done anything."

"But... they lost everything!"

"I know. I'm not saying they deserved that fate, nor that we shouldn't have helped. By your logic, though, we should've been hunting for the Agohakas all day. Why did you decide to stay?"

"I...!" Marisa could barely meet Reimu's gaze. "When I saw what Kuichiko did... When I thought about all those kappas sh-she left homeless and, and... Well, I realised. I got my first taste of what it might be like to lose everything. I r-realised _I_ could lose everything. I've never felt this way before. I never thought about how it must feel to lose everything and-and no-one deserves that! Not even Patchouli. I want to fight back! I have to! I CAN'T LET THEM TAKE ANY MORE!"

These last words were said with enough ferocity to bowl Reimu off her feet. Fortunately, Meiling caught her and stood her up again.

"I know how you feel. I was like that when I first took over my shrine," said Reimu tenderly. "This is what it means to be an Incident-Resolver, Marisa. Not glory, not mindless violence, not kleptomania or bearing grudges against asthmatic librarians, but a burning desire to protect people from harm. Why else do you think I stormed Makai and Hell when all I could do was bounce my yin-yang orbs into people?"

"They'd trashed your shrine and you wanted revenge?"

Reimu's cheeks reddened. "Well, yes. But why do you think I kept fighting Mima back when you were her apprentice?"

"You wanted to show off your skills?"

"I-!" Well, what was more important here? Telling the truth or helping Marisa get past her emotional issues? "No! That was, I'll admit, part of my initial motivation, but when I saw the legions of monsters marching across Gensokyo I knew I had to stop her. I couldn't _not_ stop her! Even today, the anger I felt back then is what keeps me going. I've just learned how to use it properly."

"Oh, Reimu...!"

"Anger isn't good for anything if you can't control it, nor will getting upset about what we can't do enable us to do it. All we can do is what we _can_ do, Marisa, not what we can't do. I know it hurts, but what we can't do can't be done, so we mustn't waste our strength trying to do it. All we can do right now is keep searching for clues, unless the Agohakas come to us first. Don't beat yourself up over something beyond your control."

Marisa buried her face in Reimu's shoulder, soaking her with tender tears. "Thanks, Reimu. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Nor do I. Without you, I mean," Reimu smiled. "So anyway, where do you think we should go?"

Busy as she was cuddling Reimu, Marisa said nothing.

"So... Toss a coin?" offered Meiling.


	5. Chapter 5

**~Headcanon of the Week~**

Meiling is half dragon, half generic youkai. This affords her greater physical strength than an average youkai, but she can never hope to be as good with magic as a thoroughbred dragon (unless she tries really hard). She has the potential to control the weather and small bodies of water, but she can't really be bothered.

 **~Chapter Five: Enter the Rogue Fairy~**

"This," said Reimu gravely, holding aloft a small disc of gold, smooth but for a tiny hole in the middle, "is a five hundred mon coin." The Shrine Maiden of Paradise shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and whooped with joy. "Five hundred mon! Five hundred! I'VE GOT A FIVE HUNDRED MON COIN! Oh, it feels so great being a woman of means! I want to fill my bath with money and immerse myself in it and-" Reimu caught herself. "Um, anyway. Heads, we go to Youkai Mountain; tails, we go to the Netherworld. Any questions?"

Meiling and Marisa shook their heads, barely suppressing a synchronised fit of giggles.

"If you two are quite finished..." said Reimu sourly, placing the coin on her finger and thumb. With a sharp flick, she sent the gleaming disc of metal spiralling into the air.

"Ice Sign: Icicle Fall!"

"Who?! What?! Where?!"

"Aaaaaargh!"

A small youkai in baggy blue shorts came zooming over Reimu's head. She landed in a heap a short way past her, coughing and spluttering like mad. Shimmering blue ice bullets battered the ground around her as Gensokyo's most powerful fairy pressed her assault.

"Had enough yet, you highly-strung antidisestablishmentarian?!" roared Cirno, touching down in front of her insect friend.

"I think I swallowed something..." groaned Wriggle.

Reimu looked at Wriggle, then at Cirno, then at the patch of sky where her coin had been just moments earlier. She breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh.

"Oh, hi, you three!" cried Cirno, noticing the Incident-resolvers around her. "I'm on a roll today, so I'm taking all comers. Any of you wanna get creamed?!"

"We'll pass," said Marisa diplomatically. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Taking all-comers!" said Cirno proudly.

"Wishing I was somewhere else," groaned Wriggle.

"Oh, right," said Marisa.

"So what are you lot doing?" asked Cirno.

"Honestly, we're at a bit of a loose end," Reimu admitted. "Wriggle swallowed my coin, so we can't decide whether to go to Youkai Mountain or the Netherworld."

"Oh, gee, that's a tough one. Why d'you need to go to either of those places, though?" asked Cirno.

"Well, as it happens, we're looking for a gang of ferocious youkai who want to eat Gensokyo," replied Reimu. She had found the best way to deal with fairies was to be completely honest with them.

"Yeah. They're called the Agohaka sisters," Marisa elaborated. "I don't suppose you've seen any of them around? They've all got weird-looking teeth."

Cirno looked at Wriggle, who shrugged.

"No? Too bad. Keep an eye out for them, won't you? And tell all your friends to do the same. Fairies like you are great at keeping eyes out, I know, and we really need your help with this one."

"Wriggle's not technically-" began Cirno.

"You're asking us for help?! Really?! Truly?!" cried Wriggle. "And she's right, by the way, I ain't technically."

"Of course we are!" said Marisa, ignoring the looks Reimu and Meiling were giving her. "If you see an Agohaka eating people, come tell us, 'kay? You'll be our eyes in the sky!"

"Wowee! I've always dreamed of being an eyes in the sky!" Wriggle squeaked. "Yuuka hardly ever needs my help nowadays. I won't let you down, Marisa. I'll be the best eyes in the sky the world's ever seen!"

Reimu was stunned. Since when had Marisa been so good with fairies? And firefly youkai who weren't technically fairies?

"And I'll bring these Agohaka people to justice!" declared Cirno, levelling a confident thumb at her grinning face. "I mean, you need people with intelligence on this sort of mission, and that's me."

"Um," said Marisa.

"Cirno, the strongest fairy in Gensokyo!"

"Ah, now, we don't want to put you in any danger-" began Marisa.

Cirno scoffed. "Danger is my middle name. Cirno Adventure Danger... Whatever. Surnames are for losers. C'mon, let's go!"

Reimu sighed. She'd known it was too good to be true. "Now, hold your horses, Miss Whatever, I don't think Marisa's really getting through to you. The Agohakas are stronger than anything you'll ever have seen before. They could be up there with Flandre and Mokou, or even Yukari. How do you think we'll do against them with you getting under our feet all the time?"

"Oh," said Cirno, realisation dawning in her bijou mind. "Right. I get it. I'll try and stay above knee level."

"Kn-knee level?!" Reimu goggled. "Give me strength..."

"I'll have some too," requested Meiling.

Ignoring them, Cirno took Marisa firmly by the hand. "The Netherworld's closest, right? We'll go there first!"

"But... Youkai Mountain's right over there," said Marisa.

"Oh," said Cirno, with a nervous laugh. "Oh. Right. Yeah. Funny, isn't it, how mountains always look much further away than they really are? Anyway, as I was saying, let's go!"

"Yay. Let's," said Reimu.

"At least she's on our side. Every little helps, right?" said Marisa, eyes shining with what she hoped was infectious cheer.

"Oh, yes, definitely," said Reimu, with as much enthusiasm as a chicken spring roll. "Now all we need is Rumia."

"Is that so~?"

The sky grew black as the Youkai of Darkness descended to earth, holding her arms out at her sides like the wings of a rather unusual dragonfly. She stood three feet tall with bright eyes and an cute little nose.

"Oh, joy, my life is complete. There's good old Rumia," groaned Reimu.

"Of the Night!" Rumia corrected her, both proud and insistent. "That's my name now. Rumia of the Night! Anyway, do you know anybody who might let me eat them? I really need to eat somebody by Monday."

"I'm sure you could find somebody the, uh, usual way," said Reimu carefully. "If I catch you eating them, I'll have to destroy you, though, so maybe you should just have a gammon steak."

"Or have a massive omelette and fill in the gaps with rice. That's what smart people do," Marisa offered.

"Or a watermelon! Just as messy and twice as tasty!" offered Cirno, salivating at the thought.

"Well, I like honey and lotus blossom samwidges," Wriggle piped up. "Me and Yuuka know a few bees, you see. Interspecies diplomacy is yummy!"

"I'm sure it is, but what you need is some vegetables. Eating meat all the time can't be good for you, even if you are a youkai," said Meiling sagely. "A healthy, balanced diet is the key to inner strength and self-esteem. Get some fibre and vitamins, more complex carbohydrates and less sugar and fat, and you'll be twice as strong before you know it. I've got a recipe for egg-fried rice with veg and-"

"No, no! I have to eat a person so Senpai will notice me!" Rumia insisted. "Somebody powerful, somebody only a top-of-the-range youkai could eat. Yukari would do. Can you tell me where she lives?"

"If I knew, I'd be there right now talking some sense into her. Really, though, she's quite far out of your league-"

"Is that so~?"

"Yes, that is so," said Reimu, not missing a beat. "I could take you out by sneezing on you. Marisa, Sakuya and I had to work together just to tie with Yukari a couple of Incidents ago. You wouldn't stand a chance."

Rumia huffed, her arms falling sulkily to her sides. "Is _not_ so! I'll show you!"

"This should be cute," said Marisa.

"Cirno, hold my bow," said Rumia. A thrill of excitement passed through her veins as she tore the adorable red ribbon from her hair, tossing it over to the dumbstruck ice fairy. Her senses immediately grew sharper. She could count Cirno's freckles in an instant: twenty-three on the left cheek twenty-five on the right. She could hear every leaf fall in the forest, unless one landed on something particularly soft. From Marisa, Reimu and Meiling came such a filthy, sweaty reek as would finish a lesser youkai with such a powerful nose. Rumia of the Night wasn't lesser any more, though. Senpai had seen to that.

* * *

Sakuya couldn't understand why Patchouli never ate porridge from a bowl. Whenever she asked, the only answer she'd get was some nonsense about alliteration. Sakuya was a maid, though, and a true maid only quibbled about matters of life and death.

"Ms Knowledge, I fear your actions haven't been best for my mistress. She's been out duelling Flandre all day, and now they've moved to the basement," said Sakuya severely, pausing in the act of pouring Patchouli's porridge onto the plate.

"Oh, don't worry. I know what I'm doing," Patchouli assured her, barely looking up from her grimoire. "I never do anything rash."

"I find that hard to believe right now," sighed Sakuya. "At least she seemed unhurt. My poor mistress... Poor, sweet little Remilie-wilia..."

Patchouli raised her eyebrows. "Remilie-wilia?"

"I didn't say that. Have you, um, washed your hands?"

"No."

"Of course you haven't." Sakuya positioned the plate of porridge on Patchouli's placemat and forced herself to smile. "Please do enjoy your dinner. If there's nothing more I can do for you, I shall go and-"

The dining room door flew open, smacking against the wall with enough force to shake the entire mansion. A couple of ornate willow pattern bowls crashed to the floor. Into the room strode Remilia and Flandre, bandaged up in twelve places between them and grinning like idiots.

"Oh, my gods, that was the most fun I've had in years! You should've been with us!" gushed Remilia, tossing Gungnir into the ornate hatstand, which was turned instantly to a pile of smouldering splinters along with a large patch of floor.

"Fun?" said Sakuya weakly. "I... I'm glad. I hope neither of you were too badly hurt."

"Oh, it was wicked! I zapped Remilia and ate her hat and we went out and fought Mokou and I drank her blood but she healed too fast and my fangs got stuck in her neck and Remilia and Princess Kaguya had to pull me out and we blew Mokou up and then Kaguya stole Remilia's spear and tried to stab her and she kicked her in the face and I turned into four people and smashed her to pieces and Remilia tried to bite my wings off so I put her head through the wall and we came back here 'cause our sun cream was wearing out and she bit my leg and I sicked up her hat!" squealed Flandre, trembling with glee. "It was epic! You need to wash Remi's hat, by the way."

Sakuya fainted.

"I take it you've got your fighting spirit back, then," said Patchouli, just a little smugly.

"Oh, you bet I have! I want to go and beat Hakiba up right away!" roared Remilia. "I won't, though, since my hat's covered in stomach acid and I've barely got the strength to stand. Hey, Sakuya, stop lazing around and put dinner on! We've starving!"

Sakuya unfainted and primly dusted herself off. "At once, Mistress. Might I recommend some noodles with-"

"We'll have veggie tempura, chicken tempura, fried noodles, teriyaki beef, steamed rice, deep-fried squid, a black forest gateaux, pistachio ice-cream and sake for everyone!" ordered Remilia.

"Ooh! Ooh! And stewed prawns with ramen and strawberries!" ordered Flandre.

"And make plenty of extra food in case Meiling comes home. Reimu and Marisa'll probably invite themselves, and you're welcome to join us too," Remilia summed up.

Sakuya's eyes betrayed no emotion. "Certainly, Mistress. When would you like to eat?"

"Now!" said Flandre.

"Any time soon," said Remilia.

"Don't hold back on my account," said Patchouli.

"Right. With pleasure." For the twelve millionth time, Sakuya thanked all the gods she knew for her powers. "Dinner will be served here in thirty-two seconds. Ms Knowledge, I assume your porridge will-"

"Oh, no, give her the full works! We've got training first thing in the morning," Remilia insisted.

Patchouli blanched. "Training?"

"A ten-mile run, a five-mile fly, a twenty-mile stroll, break for tea and cake, a hundred press-ups, a hundred sit-ups, a hundred squats, fifty burpees, more tea and cake and two hours' danmaku practice. Can't let the Agohakas get the better of us!" said Remilia blithely.

Patchouli fainted.

* * *

"Well, this is an interesting development," said Meiling matter-of-factly. "The amazing true form of Rumia."

"Of the Night, you pranny!" snapped Rumia. At five foot two, the true Rumia could stand face-to-face with Marisa and Reimu. Meiling could use her head as a chin-rest. "Anyway, where's Yukari? I don't want to keep Senpai waiting."

"I've told you, I don't know!" snapped Reimu. "And you realise this changes nothing, don't you? We have you outnumbered three to one."

Cirno nudged her in the ribs.

" _Five_ to one," said Reimu.

"Four to one. I'll tell Yuuka you said hi!" squeaked Wriggle, tearing off across the lake.

"Whatever. My point is, there's no way you can take us," Reimu insisted.

"Is that so~?"

"Stop saying that!" snapped Meiling.

Rumia's eyes narrowed. "If that's how it is, I shall eat one of you. Which of you is the strongest?"

"Um-" began Reimu.

"I'M the strongest!" bellowed Cirno, thumping her chest.

"You? Don't make me laugh. No, my guess would be Marisa," said Rumia. "Marisa, you're the strongest person here, aren't you?"

"Aww, shucks, Rumia..." said Marisa, blushing profusely. "I mean, I suppose maybe _second_ -strongest might be okay, but I wouldn't know about-"

"Of course she isn't! Don't you know you're in the presence of greatness?! I, Cirno, the invincible Goddess of Ice-"

"Goddess of being a gobby idiot. No, I am definitely eating Marisa," said Rumia obstinately.

"Oh, come on! I thought we were friends!" Cirno protested. "Please? I promise I won't give you brain-freeze."

"Well... I don't know..."

"Pleeeeeeeeeease?" begged Cirno, clasping her hands behind her back as she gazed adoringly into Rumia's eyes.

"...All right."

"Yay!" squealed Cirno. "I promise you won't regret this. When your senpai finds out you've eaten fairykind's greatest warrior, she'll be over the moon!"

"Sure she will," Rumia deadpanned. "Now, if you'll lie down there and close your eyes..."

Reimu, Marisa and Meiling looked on in incredulous silence as Cirno obediently lay down and shut her eyes. Rumia retrieved an off-white napkin from her pocket and tied it loosely around her neck before plucking a pepper mill from behind her ear and liberally seasoning her prey.

Cirno sneezed loudly. "Oi, watch it!"

"I don't believe this..." breathed Marisa. "Reimu, you aren't just gonna let her eat her?!"

"Well, um..." Reimu sighed. "No, I suppose I can't. All right, in the name of Gensokyo and the-"

Rumia bit into Cirno's arm.

"Yeeowch! No, stop! I've changed my mind!" wailed Cirno.

"Too late!" grinned Rumia, and she bit Cirno in the neck.

"Aaaaugh! Aaargh! Ugghhh... C-can't... hold on... Tell Daiyousei I... I love her... and-and to get some... clean clothes for... for when I... grow back..." gasped Cirno.

Marisa felt as if her heart might stop. "NO! Rumia, you can't! Oh, Cirno, we can't live without you!"

"She'll just reappear in a couple of hours, you soft-hearted ninny," Meiling pointed out.

"Stay strong, Cirno, please!" sobbed Marisa.

 _Strong?_ Where had she heard that word before? Cirno had only vague memories of it. "Strong" must've been something she cared about. A thing she identified with, believed in, aspired to. Worshipped. _Embodied_.

A sudden ice-cold breeze caught Rumia off-guard. "Cirno, was that you?"

"I... strongest..." croaked Cirno.

Rumia rolled her eyes. "We know. Shut up and let me eat you!"

"I... am the... strongest..."

The wind was growing fast, an icy gale laced with freezing rain. Rumia couldn't help but feel a little trepidation about her meal. Perhaps it was best to hurry things along. With practiced grace, the Youkai of Darkness swallowed Cirno whole.

"All the light has gone from this world," whimpered Marisa. She fell to her knees, staring with hollow eyes at the frosty patch Cirno had left. Why? Why had she been so slow, so weak, so useless?! All she ever did was fail. Everyone was dead because of her. She might as well sign on with the Agohakas. Having an ally as worthless as her would surely slow them down.

"I'M THE STRONGEST!"

Rumia blanched.

Howling like an arctic gale, Cirno burst out of Rumia's mouth, now as tall as Meiling and built like a brick outhouse. Wisps of water vapour drifted over her shimmering ice-blue skin. A mane of shaggy blue hair cascaded down her back, waving in the breeze alongside her bright red ascot.

"Owww..." whimpered Rumia.

"I don't think a mouth should open that wide, even in this art style," said Meiling, wincing in sympathy.

"Oh, Cirno, you're alive! Thank the gods!" Marisa cried, peppering Cirno's cheek with kisses.

"Hey, watch it! Don't get your lips frozen!" said Cirno urgently, giving Marisa a gentle push away. Marisa tumbled head-over-heels down the hill, screaming her head off.

"Jeez..." Cirno stared dumbstruck at her hand. "Jeez Louise! This new form rocks!"

"I beg to differ," said Marisa sourly. "Well, no, I mean it _does_ rock, but..."

"I know what you mean," said Cirno. She cleared her throat. "Anyway, Rumia, behold my true form! Tremble before the might of Cirno!"

"It's no big deal. I prefer a fair fight," Rumia assured her, retrieving a spellcard from inside her sock. "Are you ready?"

"Born ready!" grinned Cirno.

"Darkness Sign: Demarcation!"

* * *

"Boy, that was a great day out!" Princess Kaguya sighed, leaning back against the wall of towering bamboo. Her face was flushed, her clothes soaked with sweat, but her eyes were as bright as they'd ever been. "I hate you so much, Mokou, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Me too," smiled Mokou, looking up from her sewing. "I hate you more than words can say. I abhor you with all my heart."

"Oh, stop it, you!" giggled Kaguya.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes until Mokou's leg was fully reattached.

"Hey, Your Loonyness?" said Mokou.

"Yeah?"

"Ever get the feeling you're part of a dramatic pause?"

* * *

Sizzling bolts of magic blazed through the air as Rumia pressed her attack, bolstering her rings of small weaving bullets with waves of dark energy.

Cirno leapt into the air, two mighty wings of feather-like icicles spreading out from her shoulders. She wove expertly between the bullets, one eye always on the target and the other looking out for danger. She needed to get close for her attack.

Seeing her enemy draw near, Rumia hurled some more dark energy, penning Cirno in on both sides. There was nothing preventing her from going up, though.

With a few beats of her wings, Cirno soared far above Rumia's bullets. She pulled in her legs, aimed herself at her foe and dived, waiting until the last possible moment before she cast her spell.

"Ice Sign: Icicle Fall!" yelled Cirno, unleashing a barrage of supersonic icicles, each crackling with enough power to blow up a large watermelon. The icicles curved around Rumia, boxing her in on all sides.

"I'm sorry, was that supposed to hit me?" asked Rumia.

A wave of yellow orbs battered the Youkai of Darkness, one colliding with her heart and making her gasp with pain. Cirno quickly followed, her rock-solid fist smashing into Rumia's chin.

"Aaaargh! Foul! Foul! No fair!" wailed Rumia, spitting out a broken tooth as she tumbled down to earth.

Reimu shrugged. "I think we'll let that one slide."

"Snow Sign: Diamond Blizzard!" roared Cirno. With a grunt of effort she cast a glowing blue orb into the air above her. A thousand ice bullets rained down upon Rumia, peppering her skin with painful static shocks and ruining the grass around her.

"No! No! Please! Have mercy!" wailed Rumia. "Lady Agohaka, save me! Somebody! Anybody! Heeeeelp!"

Screaming and crying, Rumia tore away into the forest.

Cirno let out a triumphant breath, sagging as her tense muscles realised the fighting was over. She smiled. "Went pretty well, I thought."

"I've got to hand it to you, that wasn't totally incompetent," said Meiling. "You're going to need some more spellcards, though. All your old ones won't-"

"LADY AGOHAKA?! Did she say Lady Agohaka?!" cried Marisa and Reimu.

"Well, she might've..." Cirno hedged.

"Quick! After her!" shouted Marisa, diving for her broom.

* * *

"I think we just went over Prismriver Manor! We must be going south!" observed Meiling, shouting to make herself heard over the rushing air.

"Where could she be going?! The only thing south of here is the Sanzu River!" cried Marisa. "And the Road of Liminality! And the Nameless Hill! And a few mountains! And several other places we haven't been to yet!"

"Mountains?! That could be their kind of place-"

A sharp gust of wind tore the words from Reimu's mouth and replaced them with a sizeable portion of hair. Reimu gagged and spat out her silky brown locks, falling back behind Marisa to make use of her slipstream.

Ahead of them, Rumia cut through the air like a knife, the leathery membranes under her arms catching the breeze and keeping her effortlessly aloft. She was formidable in her true form. Reimu wasn't looking forward to fighting her if she ever got some decent spellcards.

And what of Cirno? The newly-empowered fairy was hanging quite a way back, her face slick with sweat, or perhaps condensation. She was trying to plough through the wind on strength alone, never the best option, but Reimu had already tried and failed to correct her. In her mind, Cirno was stronger than ten winds put together.

For ten more minutes they flew in silence, drifting into a V-formation with Marisa at the front. They had just crossed the Sanzu River when Rumia saw fit to alter her course.

"Hey, she's turning! She'd heading for that sorta rectangular mountain!" shouted Marisa.

"Rectangular?!" Reimu glanced over Marisa's shoulder. There were quite a few mountains on Gensokyo's south-western border, most tapering towards the top as mountains did, but one of them was distinctly flat on top. Rumia was careening away towards it. "You're right! That must be their hideout!"

"Then let's not waste another moment. Chaaaaarge!" roared Marisa, charging with great enthusiasm.

* * *

As Marisa charged, Rumia touched down on the mountain's smooth grey cap, folding in her membranes and falling flat on her face. Rumia swore loudly as she rose to her feet, casting a sharp eye over the mountains. Where the Hell was she? Where were Hakiba-Sensei and Kuichiko-Senpai and Naruwarin-Chan? She was hopelessly lost.

At times like this, all Rumia had to rely on was her darkness. One little sphere of portable darkness, barely enough to hide a medium-sized cow. Were there any crevices or caves she could shelter in? Of course not, the mountaintop was as flat as could be.

"I wish I were dead," sniffled Rumia. "Oh, well, I might as well go out with a bang. To me, darkness!"

* * *

"Oh, my days! Pull up! Quick!" screamed Marisa, pulling up with all her might. She was flattened against her broomstick as it swerved away from the vast blob of inky darkness engulfing the mountain.

"Seconded," said Meiling grimly, coming to a graceful stop in a single second.

"Bugger that! Her face has an urgent appointment with my boot!" snapped Cirno, zooming into the cloud of darkness.

"But you're not wearing boots! You're wearing buckle shoes!" Reimu protested. "Well, temporary ones that came with your EX-form, at any rate." Her protests were in vain, though. Cirno quickly disappeared into the darkness.

"She won't be able to see a thing in there!" gasped Marisa, just in case either of her companions hadn't grasped that yet. "You'd all better stand back. I'm going to give her some light."

Meiling blinked. "Light? How?"

"Do you even need to ask?" said Marisa, smiling a crooked smile as she whipped out her hakkero. "Love Sign: Non-Directional Laser!"

Reimu started. She'd been expecting a Master Spark, not this. Five beams of light lanced out from Marisa's hakkero, joined by stars the size of watermelons glowing in all the colours of the rainbow. Reimu and Meiling dove under the sweeping lasers with considerable haste.

"Now to light it up. Cover me, you two!" ordered Marisa, pouring as much energy as she could spare into her broom. Sweat beaded on her brow as she surged forwards, her lasers cutting through Rumia's darkness like knives.

The darkness shuddered and groaned as it struggled to absorb the light bombarding it, then let out a raging, gurgling roar as it lashed out with sharp tendrils of frozen shadow.

Marisa yelped as a tendril slashed her cheek open. "Oh, so that's how you wanna play it, huh?! Well, let's see how you like Predictable Marisa. MASTER SPARK!"

A colossal ray of love-coloured energy tore through the darkness. The tendrils of frozen shadow trembled with fear, helpless as the inky blackness flooded into Marisa's Master Spark to find itself being devoured even more.

"It's true what they say, isn't it? 'Tis better to Master Spark the living daylights out of everything than to curse the darkness!" said Marisa, glowing with satisfaction.

"I'd have to agree with that. You've really taken a lump out of it," smiled Reimu, pulling up alongside her.

Marisa could see that she had. The darkness looked just half as big, faint flashes of light from within signifying that the battle between Cirno and Rumia was still taking place.

"I must've diluted it or something," Marisa reasoned under her breath. "Bit more can't hurt, though." Squinting into the darkness, she could just about make out where Cirno's ice bullets were heading, which would surely be near Rumia. "Cover your ears, Reimu. ANOTHER MASTER SPARK!"

As the darkness imploded around Marisa's spell, Meiling nudged Reimu in the ribs. "What're we supposed to be covering her from again?"

"I don't know," shrugged Reimu. "Just let her enjoy the moment."

A long, pained scream made them both look up. Rumia was flying up out of the darkness, both hands clasped over her smouldering posterior. Cirno was right on her tail, battered and bruised and chipped in places, but the fire in her heart was burning hotter than ever. Uh, so to speak.

"Your reign of terror is at an end, Rumia of the Night! Prepare yourself for a free sample of justice!" roared Cirno, lunging for Rumia as she reached the apex of her flight.

"No! No! Please! I swear I won't ever do it again! Oh, please, please don't kill me! All I want to do is eat people and not have to suffer the consequences! Is that really too much to ask?!" wailed Rumia.

"Yep," said Reimu.

"Pretty much," said Meiling.

Rumia screamed as Cirno grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and dragged her down to face the music, dumping her unceremoniously at the foot of the rectangular mountain. Reimu, Meiling and Marisa touched down beside her. Rumia swallowed heavily. She was toast.

"You certainly lead us a merry dance, Rumia. I can see why they gave you that enchanted ribbon all those years ago," said Reimu. There was no malice in her voice, just casual reflection and a drop of amusement. "Now where are the Agohakas?"

"I..." Rumia sniffled. "I've forgotten."

Reimu breathed a heavy sigh.

"FORGOTTEN?! What the Hell kind of an answer is that?!" roared Marisa, leaning over Rumia until their noses pressed painfully together. "You were screaming for their help! You led us right to their base! Now WHERE ARE THEY?!"

"I don't know! I swear to all the gods!" sobbed Rumia. "I-I got completely lost and-and I don't know wh-where I am and I'm so, so sorry and I promise I won't eat any of you ever again-"

Marisa punched her sharply on the forehead.

"I said I don't know, you big bully! Hitting me won't change anything!" snapped Rumia.

Marisa fell back on her haunches, took a deep breath and screamed. After a few seconds, she flopped down on the grass and deflated completely. "Well, that's another wild chase where the goose got away. Another wasted day for the Agohakas to live it up. I guess that's all we can do. Get the wrong end of the stick and give it everything we've got."

"Oh, Marisa, it's not all that bad. We got a nice lunch out of it," said Reimu, giving her an encouraging smile. "And we know a few places where the Agohakas _aren't_ , don't we? They're not here, they're not near the Human Village, they're not anywhere near Misty Lake-"

"Hey, I remember! They're using their old mansion in the forest west of Misty Lake!" said Rumia triumphantly. "You can't miss it. It's in the middle of a great big hole in the ground full of their giant worm thingies!"

Marisa, Meiling, Cirno and Reimu goggled at her.

"...What? Have I got something on my face?"

 **~Author's Note~**

I've always had a great deal of sympathy for Cirno. Her struggle to overcome the limitations of being a fairy and become The Strongest is something I can get behind; nobody should be forced to accept their "lot in life" because "that's just the way things are". Cirno may be a stupid, overconfident, arrogant imbecile, but she's a hero to all the fairies who dare to believe they can be more than cannon fodder, and I love her to bits.


	6. Chapter 6

**~Chapter Six: Psychological Warfare for Bird-Brains~**

"Ow! Oww! Not so tight!" the Youkai of Darkness protested. She was small and cute and ineffective once again.

"It's got to be tight, Rumia. Otherwise you might take it off again," explained Reimu, finishing her double marlinspike hitch and tucking the loose ends firmly in place. "There we go! A world-beating piece of knotification! That should hold your ribbon in place until we find the proper binding spell."

"Brilliant. How wonderful for me," said Rumia, pouting mightily.

Marisa glanced up at the fast-descending sun. "Do you think it's too late to check out the Agohakas' secret base?"

"I'd say we've got plenty of time," said Reimu. She rose to her feet and punted Rumia into a bush. "It's only quarter past fairly late in the evening. If we have some tea first, we'll be fine!"

Cirno blinked. "Tea?"

"Can I have some?" asked Rumia hopefully as she picked her way out of the bushes.

"I suppose it can't hurt. Take a seat." Reimu dug a kettle, five rustic wooden tea bowls, an ornate red teapot, a small tea caddy and a spoon out of her backpack. "This is going to be a mild tea with a slightly sweet herbal flavour. It's my own special blend, so I can't guarantee it will be suitable for people with nut allergies, but I _can_ guarantee it would be best with some hanabiramochi or a slice of Kendal mint cake, or perhaps a nice-"

"Hey, I've got some of that! I always keep a Kendal mint cake under my hat for emergencies," declared Marisa, lifting her hat to reveal a circular tin.

Reimu's eyes lit up. "Perfect! Why, this is going to be a tea break for the ages!" She busied herself brewing the tea, making a conscious effort not to salivate.

"We will try and make it a short break, though, won't we?" asked Meiling, as much worry as hope in her voice.

* * *

"Tea up, luv," intoned Reimu, bowing solemnly as she handed Rumia a piping-hot bowl of tea. The ancient tea ceremony of the Hakurei clan was complete, and just in time, judging by the looks Marisa and Meiling were giving her.

"I'm cold and wet..." mumbled Rumia, accepting the tea. She cut a miserable figure in her sopping dress, slouching in a puddle of freezing water. It was mostly Cirno's fault. Her muscle-bound ice body had melted away to reveal the little fairy of old, her wings tucked neatly behind her back. Her hair was matted with frost, her eyelashes draped with icicles, her dress frozen solid about her skin. Reimu filed away a mental note to bring her to the House of Eternity for a thorough examination.

"One for you," said Reimu, handing Marisa her bowl of tea, "and one for you," she went on, handing Meiling her bowl. "I'm assuming Cirno would rather sleep."

"Sounds about right," said Meiling.

Marisa took a long, luxuriating draught of the hot, slightly sweet beverage, burning her tongue in the process. She swore loudly and creatively, sending the tea cascading down into her lap. Screaming, Marisa leapt to her feet, bounded over Rumia and dove face-first into Cirno's puddle.

"Aaaaugh!" howled Marisa, thrashing about in the freezing water. "Ahhhh..." sighed Marisa, letting the cool, refreshing water soak into her dress and ease her scalded lap. She felt gingerly under her hat; the tin was mostly dry. "Kendal mint cake, anyone?"

* * *

The chill night air froze Marisa's sodden clothes against her wet, clammy skin as she cut a path through the inky darkness. Her hakkero kept her hand nice and toasty, but her arm was in agony from holding it steady and the rushing wind made her eyes feel like pickled onions being rubbed with sandpaper. She'd never been a fan of late-night adventures.

"We must be getting near Misty Lake. You remember the plan, right? Circle around to the west, drop off Cirno, then go on foot so the Agohakas don't see us," said Meiling.

Marisa gave her a dubious look. "How can you tell we're near it? I can't see a thing in all this dense, unnatural mist."

"Exactly."

Marisa tried to wrap her head around that. Meiling knew Misty Lake pretty well, of course; it was famous for being shrouded in dense, unnatural- oh.

Marisa meekly circled around to the west, a smug Meiling, a snoring Cirno and a circumspect Reimu in tow.

Meiling touched down by Cirno's vegetable garden, a forlorn patch of dry soil and miserable cabbages, almost as messy as the compost heap. She groaned at the horticultural travesty Cirno had wrought.

Marisa landed heavily beside her, slinging her broom across her back. After taking a few seconds to massage her arm and stomp some life back into her frigid feet, she glanced up at the garden. "Nice little place she's got here."

"Nice?! I'd just as soon bury her in the rice paddy," said Meiling tartly.

Marisa reached for her hakkero, her eyes narrowing.

"But I won't," sighed Meiling, lifting the snoring ice fairy off her shoulders. Stooping as low as she could, she disappeared into Cirno's small, round igloo. Two minutes, twelve bumps on the head and thirty-four swear words later, she emerged victorious and kicked Marisa in the shins.

"We're not going to attack tonight, all right? This is just reconnaissance," Reimu reminded her friends, moving swiftly between them. "Unless the Agohakas see us, in which case we'll give them a fight to remember. If there's just one of them around, we'll kidnap her and force her to give me a massage."

"O... kay?" said Marisa.

"If you must," said Meiling levelly.

"Then that's settled. Oh, and Marisa, you should dim your hakkero."

Marisa nodded and stuffed the reactor down her apron, reducing its light to a dull glow.

"That should do it," said Reimu approvingly. "I don't know how well the Agohakas can see, but the dark won't make it easy for them. We should be fine as long as there are no bright lights."

There was a blinding flash. For a split second Cirno's garden was an ocean of burning white, the grass dappled with shadows and shimmering dew. The igloo cast a stark island of shade over Reimu, forcing her to watch as Meiling and Marisa screamed in agony, curled up and tried desperately to shield their eyes.

The light winked out as jarringly as it had began. Grabbing an orb and a handful of spell tags, Reimu leapt onto the igloo, ignoring the way the ice bricks shifted and groaned beneath her feet. "Who are you?! Don't you know it's rude to shine at people?!"

* * *

Sakuya slumped against the cold metal railings, her chin flattened against the topmost bar between two ornate spikes. "O Meiling, Meiling, wherefore art thou Meiling? And yes, I know that means "why is your name Meiling?", but I care not. It is cold, it is dark, it is late; I fear for you, my angel. If you were sound asleep in a comfy sleeping bag, I would feel it, and I know you're not. I fear my heart is ripe to leap free of its alcove and burst into fireworks of loneliness." Sakuya breathed a lovelorn sigh. "O, that I should keep my heart in place until I might feel your touch once again, that you might sweep me up in your strong, womanly arms before I perish forevermore...!"

Sakuya knew she'd never live it down if someone overheard her, but she loved to swoon once in a while. A head maid had very few pleasures, except on the first Tuesday of each month, when Yukari gapped in the manga serials. Flandre would spirit away _Nakayoshi_ and _Bessatu Shōnen_ _Magazine_ for a few days, leaving Sakuya to curl up with _Dengeki Comic Gao!_ and _Bessatsu Hana to Yume_ and practice her swooning. It helped that Meiling always dropped by in the evenings to borrow _Monthly Dragon Age_.

Dear, sweet Meiling. There was a woman who knew how to read graphic novels. She looked so proud and strong as she turned the page, her eyes swiftly picking up the first line of dialogue. She only wore civvies for reading manga, which Sakuya didn't mind one bit. Crisp green shirts with poofy sleeves, plain green skirts with white frills, comfy woollen tank tops, baggy green jeans, soft blouses in a slightly lighter green, darker green vests that left nothing to the imagination; on warm nights, Sakuya didn't even pretend to focus on her magazine.

Why would fate be so determined to keep her from her love? Remilia might have had something to do with it. No, surely not. Her fate-manipulation was only for important things, like making sure they won the Mansion of the Year contest. Sakuya's mistress was childish, certainly, and petty and vindictive and sometimes a bully, but she'd never get in the way of true love. She didn't pay her to swoon, did she?

Come to think of it, Remilia didn't pay her at all.

Sakuya's brow furrowed. "If my mistress doesn't pay me, then by extension she must not be paying me to wait around like a lost soul while you do aid work and look for the Terrafirmavores. Since she doesn't pay me so to do, it stands to reason that she wouldn't _want_ me to wait around like a lost soul. And really, she never forbade me from going to find you. Her orders were to protect her mansion and all its inhabitants, which naturally includes you." Sakuya took a deep breath. "As they say in places other than Makai, to Makai with it! I am bored, I am lonely, I am going."

* * *

"By the Four Winds, what a legendary scoop! Reimu, Marisa and some other lady up to no good in an innocent fairy's garden! Now, what could this be about?!" the camerawoman giggled, swooping down on short, sturdy black wings. She held her camera in one hand, the flash bulb glowing red-hot between her fingers. "Well, what's the matter, Reimu? What's up with your friends?"

"My eyes..." groaned Meiling.

"Mine too..." whimpered Marisa.

"No need to panic. It's only our favourite bird-brain," sighed Reimu, relaxing just a little. "For pity's sake, Aya, why would you do this now of all times?! For your information, we were hunting down a gang of dangerous youkai, but there's not much chance of that now that you've-"

"Caught you red-handed tearing up an innocent woman's garden?" said Aya sweetly, poking out her tongue. How she avoided biting it is anybody's guess. "Really, you three, did you think people wouldn't start paying attention? Did you think we wouldn't fight back after you invaded our mountain? And did you think an honest journalist would just hang up her camera and leave you to maraud through Gensokyo without anyone standing up to you?! No way!"

Reimu groaned loudly. "All right, fine. I'll start with Youkai Mountain. We were leading some refugees from Kappa Valley-"

"And I'm sure that's a riveting story, but I already know the truth. You assumed the army wouldn't hurt children or elders, so you'd be able to conquer the mountain without us fighting back," Aya filled in. "Luckily for us, Momiji and the gang saw right through it when I told them what to look out for. She was so thrilled! "Shameimaru, you stupid hack, for once in your life you've actually done something useful." That's what she told me!" Aya's cheeks flushed with pride as she remembered the guard captain's kind words.

Marisa couldn't bear to hold her silence. "Kappa Valley was destroyed, you idiot! We were taking people to safety, not that they got any when you started shooting them! If you don't believe me, I'll show you the valley, and it's not a pretty sight. If you still don't believe me, give me a week and I'll show you the demon who ate it. Her name's Kuichiko Agohaka, shoe size unknown."

"Right-handed," Meiling piped up.

Aya's eyes widened. "Kuichiko?! You're kidding! She'd never do a thing like that!"

"You... you know her?" said Marisa, ignoring the growing weight in the pit of her stomach.

"Of course I know her! Kuichiko and her sisters have dedicated their lives to feeding the poor and hungry and creating a world where nobody has to suffer. I hoped you might've wanted to help, but no. Gensokyo's _yours_ , not theirs, and no-one gets a piece of it if you're in a bad mood, not even if it's their only hope to live." All the bright-eyed joy was gone from Aya's face, a hard-edged fury taking its place. "If you don't get over yourselves, all the Terrafirmavores in the world are going to starve to death. They'll be gone forever, and it'll be _your_ fault! Is that what you want?!"

Marisa blinked. "Well, um... Look, they _ate Kappa Valley_! Have you honestly not noticed all the rubble, the new cemetery, anything?!"

Aya snorted. "I wouldn't put it past the kappas to trash their own valley."

Whatever hope Marisa had of a sensible discourse crumbled away like ash. "Give me strength..." she groaned.

"It's the truth, and you know it. No-one's gonna change what happened just so you can feel good about yourself," Aya insisted. "Don't take my word for it, though. Hey, Hakiba, you can come out now!"

Reimu, Meiling and Marisa turned as one to see Hakiba bursting out of the vegetable garden in a shower of soil and mauled cabbage. She was decked out in a dark blue scarf and heavy boots, otherwise much as they'd last seen her.

"You! How long have you been under there?!" demanded Reimu, leaping down from the igloo to land in front of Hakiba.

"About ten minutes." Hakiba cleared her throat. "So, Reimu, we meet again. Lovely weather, isn't it? The perfect night to bully the meek, stomp on the downtrodden and pluck food from the mouths of the starving, stuffing yourself with the best nosh money can buy all the while," she said casually. "I hope you're not coming to beat me up and murder my sisters in their sleep in order to safeguard your monopoly on Gensokyo's resources. That'd really ruin things for all the poor, sweet little Terrafirmavore orphans we're looking after because we're so gentle and soft-hearted. Especially Naruwaru."

"Don't lie to us, you beast. You ate my shrine, tricked me with false promises of a massage, tried to murder Remilia-" began Reimu.

"And turn her into yakitori," Marisa reminded her.

"That too. No-one's going to fall for your filthy lies, Hakiba. As long as there's blood in my veins, you will not get so much as a nibble of Gensokyo or a taste of its people. You may tell your sisters that, um, we're ready for them, and, uh, I won't be... massaged again?" A blush spread over Reimu's cheeks. Coming up with speeches on the fly was not her strong point.

"Stop it! Stop it, you bully!" yowled Hakiba. She sniffled loudly and theatrically, casting her eyes down to her feet. "Why us? Oh, why must everyone hate us?! All I want is to light one little candle in this cruel world of vile darkness! My poor, poor sisters and I, the last of the Terrafirmavores, the only hope for hundreds- _thousands_ of poor, sweet little Terrafirmavore children with big, soulful eyes and cute little noses, dressed in filthy rags with nothing but dust in their poor little tummies." Stifling a sob, she wiped her nose on Aya's wing and went on. "On my honour as a youkai, I haven't eaten a single person since I emerged from that cave, nor would I ever need to. All any Terrafirmavore needs to survive is one grain of hihi'irokane a month, and you've got more than enough for all of us. Please, Aya, I implore you, don't fall for the black-hearted shrine maiden's lies!"

Marisa snorted. "There's no way anyone's gonna believe that drivel."

"Didn't you hear her?! She swore! No youkai would lie when their honour's at stake!" snapped Aya. "Honour is a serious business, Marisa, you ignorant git. I believe her."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" screamed Habika, throwing herself at Aya's feet and shedding crocodile tears of joy by the bucketload. "Waaaaahhh! I'm so overcome with delight! I love you, Aya..."

"If you've quite finished humiliating yourself, I have a question for you. You Terrafirmavores might only _need_ a little magic metal to get by, you might not technically have eaten anyone since you and your sisters broke out, but that says nothing about what you _want_ ," said Reimu severely. "Hakiba, will you swear on your honour that you have no desire whatsoever to devour Gensokyo?"

Hakiba's face turned pale. "Um, well, I... I guess."

"Then swear it."

"Ah, now-"

"Swear it!"

"I-!" Hakiba grabbed Aya by the collar and hoisted her up into the air. "I've had enough of this drivel. We have nothing more to prove. Let's get them!"

"Uh..." Aya contemplated the world's greatest shrine maiden, the legendary witch who could almost outspeed her on a good day, and the gardener who could tie a steel bar into a knot with her bare hands. "Well, okay then." She cleared her throat. "Three against two should be quite complicated. How about six spellcards per team, last team standing wins?"

Meiling, Marisa and Reimu nodded their assent as they began their ascent, spreading out to get better angles.

"Well, bugger that," declared Hakiba, summoning a quartet of ivory discs.

Aya's eyes widened. "Bugger the-? The-?!"

Hakiba's only response was to throw her discs.

* * *

Cirno's eyelids creaked slowly apart. Was that a noise she'd just heard? Or had she just heard something other than a noise? When was a noise not a noise, and if so, how could she hear it? Or if not-noises were the norm, how could she fail to hear them? Damn it, now she had a headache. Anyway, what maybe-or-maybe-not-a-noise had she just heard, and why was it there? And why did she have such vivid memories of punching Rumia in the face?

There was an echoing boom. Cirno relaxed. Just your typical late-night duel. With a sigh, Cirno rolled over and shoved her head under the pillow. Hopefully they'd know better than to bother the strongest being in Gensokyo.

* * *

"Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal!"

Reimu's yin-yang orbs blazed with multicoloured light as they surged towards Hakiba.

The Terrafirmavore's eyes narrowed. With a wave of her hand she called two of her discs back in a wide arc. They struck the lead orb at speed, exploding into showers of incisors and sparkling energy as it ploughed through them, barely slowing down.

Marisa and Meiling blasted the surviving discs with a rainbow of bullets, allowing Reimu's orbs free passage. Reimu smiled. This was a perfect start.

With a grunt of effort, Hakiba called up a wall of teeth. Row upon row of sturdy-looking molars popped into existence, shuddering as Reimu's orbs smashed into them. It looked for a moment as if they would break through, but Hakiba pushed back, screaming with either triumph or excess adrenaline. The wall moved forwards, shunting the orbs along with it.

Cursing under her breath, Reimu called back her orbs. They gathered swiftly around her feet for a rest. "So much for first blood. Marisa, Meiling, give her a barrage!" ordered Reimu.

Meiling nodded. "Flower Sign: Selaginella Nine!"

"You didn't say please," said Marisa haughtily. "I know you're under a lot of stress, though, so I guess I can make an exception. Black Magic: Event Horizon!"

Meiling cast waves of glistening petals, flashing through the air in dancing rings. Marisa launched swarms of swirling stars, weaving around each other as they raced through the sky. Hakiba growled, her muscles tensing as the barrage drew near.

Peering through the cloud of bullets, Reimu could just see Aya edging behind Hakiba. It wouldn't do her any good. Meiling's spell would wear down the teeth while Marisa's attack came at them from all sides, and if they survived that she'd give them an Omnidirectional Dragon-Slaying Circle in the face.

A silvery-white light burst amid the barrage. The familiar crackling pop of colliding bullets filled Reimu's ears. Hakiba was fighting back with swarms of shining teeth, launching them by the handful.

Now was the time to nail them. "Meiling, Marisa, keep it up!" shouted Reimu, lifting her orbs with a wave of her hand.

"Shut up! I need to concentrate!" snapped Meiling.

"Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal!" yelled Reimu, ignoring her magnificently. Her power flowed into the yin-yang orbs. Hakiba was still blasting away, screaming with every attack, a pretty easy target. Reimu's orbs raced forward.

A fearsome light tore through the barrage, casting thousands of bullet-shaped shadows over the shore. Reimu screwed shut her eyes, taking a second to marvel at the yellow glow inside her eyelids before the light winked out. The yin-yang orbs dove into her vest, trembling with fear.

Hakiba and Aya were unscathed, hovering casually above Cirno's house. Hakiba let out a relieved breath. "Wow! You'll have to get me one of those anti-danmaku camera-thingy-whatsits one of these days. They're incredible!"

"You betcha! I can snap anything with this!" said Aya bullishly. "You're incredible too, though. I've never seen someone shoot so many bullets out of the air!"

"Well, you'll see it again for sure," said Hakiba, grinning from ear to ear. Framed as it was by long sabre teeth, her smile looked far from cheerful. "Anyway, now we attack. Aya, you get the redhead."

"Okay. Wish me luck!" said Aya brightly, swooping towards Meiling at ten times the speed of sound. The wind of her passage kept going as she screeched to a halt, blowing Meiling into the forest ahead of her.

Marisa shot Reimu a nervous look. "Well, this is an interesting development. No more Meiling."

"Just don't let Hakiba get close to you," Reimu reassured her.

Hakiba let out a roar, calling up a dozen gleaming white discs. Six each. Whirling like saw blades they sang through the air, a few breaking off to attack from the sides.

"I'll block, you attack," ordered Reimu, grabbing some paper charms.

"Got it." Marisa aimed her hakkero straight ahead, her frozen fingers rejoicing as the reaction began. "MASTER SPARK!"

Hakiba let out a yelp as the titanic laser blasted towards her. Bracing her wings against the air, she summoned the strongest wall she could manage on short notice, a hodgepodge of hippopotamus fangs and rough, plate-like elephant teeth.

A spell tag clashed with a shuriken, showering Marisa in burning paper and shards of enamel. Screwing her eyes shut against any sharp bits, she pushed with all her might, her arms trembling with effort. Hakiba was strong for certain, but there was nothing more powerful than love.

Marisa loved Gensokyo to bits. What wasn't to love? The adventures, the colourful spellcards, the food? The cute women in dresses and ridiculous hats, the cute men in sombre, manly dresses, the occasional tomboy like Rinnosuke who always wore trousers? Her master Mima, who might as well have been her sister and life coach, whose loss she still hurt as if it had happened mere days ago? Reimu, her constant companion, drinking buddy and occasional bitter rival? And dear, sweet Alice, the loveliest woman ever to take a bath. Even thinking about life without Alice was enough to make her despair. She wouldn't lose Alice. She couldn't.

Hakiba reeled back as the Master Spark tore through her wall, filling the sky with shards of enamel. It was upon her in an instant. Hakiba plunged helplessly down to the lake, trailing wisps of smoke that danced in the mist.

Marisa whooped with joy. "Yes! Got her!"

Aya swooped past with a rush of feathers and a heartfelt "Ayayayayyaaaa!", diving to grab Hakiba just as her knees touched the lake. In a shower of icy grey water she soared back up to the sky.

"Aya?! How on Earth did you beat Meiling?!" cried Reimu.

"Flying's super effective against Fighting," said Aya, smirking magnificently. "More to the point, I was quick enough to get her picture-"

"Rainbow Sign: Imperial Punch!" roared Meiling, socking Aya in the face. The journalist was knocked out cold in an instant. "I'm Dragon-type, you dimwit. And there's no rule against sticking the bullets to your fist."

"I guess..." said Reimu unsurely. "Hey, don't let them fall in the lake!"

Meiling nodded and grabbed Aya by the foot. Hakiba clung desperately to Aya's ears as Meiling swung them overarm and threw them into Cirno's rice patch, which greeted them with an explosion of soggy mud and mistreated rice that spilled out all over the garden, fountaining up high enough to cover Meiling's trousers.

"Oh, my gods, she exploded!" gasped Marisa. "Did-did she eat too much soil or something?!"

She, Reimu and Meiling descended to the ruined paddy field, alighting cautiously on the dryer parts. Clumps of firmer earth sat amid bubbling, churned-up mud, and right in the middle lay a faded red tokin.

"Well, they certainly build those hats to last," said Marisa, in a small voice. "Unlike their journalists. Oh, Aya, I can't believe you're gone. Dear, sweet, soft-hearted, huggable Aya..."

"She was a true friend. A queen among tengu," sniffled Reimu. "Life will never be the same again. To think that after she'd lived for a thousand years, one exploding Terrafirmavore would be all it would take to-"

Aya burst out of the paddy field, gasping desperately for air. Every inch of her was caked in mud. Meiling, Reimu and Marisa stared at her in amazement, particularly Marisa, who was glad not to be the only swamp victim this week.

"Wh-what happened?" asked Aya, looking about herself. She plucked her tokin from the mud and placed it reverentially on her head.

"Aya! Oh, thank the gods, you're alive! You're alive!" squealed Marisa. "I love you, Aya. Please don't ever leave me."

"Any sign of Hakiba in there?" asked Meiling, ignoring her magnificently.

"Um..." Aya rummaged around in the mud, her brow furrowing. "No. Not really. She'll probably have tunneled away," she suggested. "I've seen Naruwaru do it. She hit the ground mouth-first and, well, kept going. I'm guessing there's a brand-new tunnel right under this swamp."

"Meaning she got away again," said Reimu wearily. "Then again, we know where they live now. Just west of here, right, Aya?"

"Right," confirmed Aya.

"Then what are we waiting for?! Let's kick their behinds into next week!" yelled Marisa, leaping onto her broom.

"What, now?!" cried Reimu.

A flicker of doubt passed over Marisa's face, followed by an expansive yawn. "Well, I suppose it is a _bit_ late..." She glanced down at her mini-hakkero. The fuel gauge was in the red. "And I am kinda low on mushroom powder..." Her stomach let out a loud, insistent rumble. "Fine, you win. We'll do it first thing tomorrow, all right?"

"All right," agreed Reimu. "Right now, though, we need to show Aya what happened to Kappa Valley."

"Then dinner?" asked Meiling.

"Of course-"

"Now, hold on just one minute! I never said I believe your story," said Aya hotly. " _IF_ I agree to come to Kappa Valley, it'll be with an armed escort and free access to-"

With a gloopy, gurgling rumble, the mud began to flow down the tunnel, dragging Aya along with it.

"Aayyayayayayaaa! Help! Help! Help me! I'm too young to die! I can't spend my last moments mired deep beneath the earth! I'm an avian, for pity's sake! I need to fly wild and free! Heeeeelllp!" screamed Aya, struggling desperately against the iron grip of the mud.

All eyes turned to Meiling.

"I should really be getting paid for this," Meiling muttered, stepping as close to Hakiba's tunnel as she dared. "Aya, do you promise to come to Kappa Valley without complaining?"

Aya nodded meekly.

"And do you promise to carry me there?"

"Yes! I'll even put you on the front page! Just get me out of here, please!"

Meiling grasped Aya's trembling hands and wrenched her free of the impromptu quicksand, depositing her on some more solid ground.

"Thank you! Oh, thank you!" cried Aya, almost sobbing with relief. "I can see it now! 'Heroic Chinese Person Saves Incredibly Talented Journalist and Part-Time Wind Goddess From Horrible Death'-"

"Don't you dare touch her, you demon!"

A barrage of gleaming knives sang through the air, battering Aya from behind. Enchanted as they were for spellcard duels, most of them bounced harmlessly off her skin, but the three that pierced her heart were enough to send her sprawling in the mud again.

"You may tell all your friends that no mud youkai is ever going to get its filthy, three-fingered hands on my love," said Sakuya fiercely, striding over to the dumbstruck Meiling and unconscious Aya. "Oh, Meiling, I've missed you so much! I could hug you and kiss you all night long!"

"Um..." said Meiling.

"Uh..." said Marisa.

"I'll start from the beginning," said Reimu resignedly. "You see, Cirno has her own rice paddy..."

* * *

Naruwaru glanced up as Hakiba stomped and clattered in from the hallway. "Back already? How'd the meeting with Aya go?"

"That shrine maiden happened," said Hakiba sourly, flopping down on the faded wooden floor. "Gods, it's freezing. Didn't you put the fire on?"

"The coal cellar's long gone, and you know perfectly well who ate the stash under the bed," said Naruwaru, levelling an accusatory finger at her darling sister. "Anyway, I'm just finishing tomorrow's to-do list. D'you want to clear the forest, or shall I?"

"I'll do it. Listen, though, that ginger-haired woman's thrown her lot in with Reimu," said Hakiba gravely. "This Marisa person is pretty tough, too. She gave me a real pasting, and don't get me started on-"

"Pasting, eh? Well, you just introduce her bucket of wallpaper paste to my tusk. With any luck, it'll spill all over her shoes," giggled Naruwaru. "As for the ginger, I can't count on her kicking my tusk like that again, but she won't survive another bone-dragon."

"Well, I admire your confidence," lied Hakiba. "About the ginger, though. She beat up Aya-"

"Hey, wait, a minute, you're covered in mud!" cried Naruwaru. For the first time that evening, she looked up at her sister in full. "You must've had a great meal. Wet, was it?"

"Well, sort of. I had to tunnel through a paddy field."

"Ah."

"It wasn't fun. I think I need a lie-down."

"You _are_ lying down."

"Oh. Well, that's great!" Hakiba stretched out over the floor, her left wing brushing against the tattered paper wall and her right squeezing under the table.

"Want any hihi'irokane?" offered Naruwaru.

"No, thanks. I've had enough for a month or so."

"Fair play to you. I can't seem to stop nibbling on it," Naruwaru admitted. "It's just so... compelling."

"Well, don't let Kuichiko catch you. She doesn't tear apart entire valleys just so you can binge on the spoils," Hakiba warned her. "Is she back yet, by the way?"

"Not yet. She said she'd be-"

Naruwaru's voice was washed away by a booming roll of thunder. A flash of lightning set the house aglow in vivid blue.

"That'd be her," said Naruwaru.

"She always knows how to make an entrance," agreed Hakiba. A smile crossed her face as she remembered Kuichiko's first bolt of lightning all those distant years ago. She'd been so excited she couldn't stop dancing for a week.

The door flew off its hinges with an echoing boom and sailed right onto Hakiba's wing. She screamed with pain. Naruwaru gently retrieved the door and propped it up against the bookshelf.

Kuichiko's shaggy hair brushed the doorframe as she squeezed inside, her heavy brown wings ploughing effortlessly through half the wall. The floor creaked and groaned under her spiky wooden flip-flops as if begging for mercy.

"We need a slightly bigger door," observed Naruwaru.

"I've got wing-cramps. What do you expect me to do?" said Kuichiko archly.

"Kuichiko! You're back!" Hakiba piped up. She threw her arms around the mighty terrafirmavore and nuzzled her neck, which was as high as she could reach.

"Well, yes I am. Have you had a good day?" asked Kuichiko, absentmindedly stroking Hakiba's hair.

Hakiba stopped mid-nuzzle. "Actually-"

"Rumia's running late," said Naruwaru. "We haven't seen her since this morning. I got all those creepy little youkai out of the paper walls, we've fed the worms, and Hakiba's just generally been Hakiba."

"Good. Rumia did give us her word, though, so we'll have to eat her," said Kuichiko matter-of-factly. "As for what I've been doing, I buried our old friends the Hourai Immortals in the Swamp of Despair. It should take them at least a week to get out, assuming they can keep from killing each other over the mushrooms."

"That'll show them!" grinned Naruwaru. "Have they changed over the years?"

"They weren't on top form, really, but otherwise they were pretty much the same. They should make some good slaves once we've roughed them up a little," smiled Kuichiko. "Oh, and, um, what about that other little job I mentioned?"

"I've put us all down for it tomorrow, right after we finish the field."

"Perfect."

Hakiba cleared her throat. "If I might be permitted to get a word in edgeways, I had a run-in with Reimu a few minutes ago. She, her witch friend and the one with plaits gave me a real metaphorical pasting, so I had to run away through the paddy field, long story, and I think they got Aya, too."

Kuichiko raised her eyebrows. "Got her as in killed her, or got her as in told her the truth?"

"I don't know."

"Of course you don't," sighed Kuichiko. "Frankly, I'm sick to death of Reimu. I really need to go and rip her to shreds one of these days." The gleam of a new idea flared in her eyes. "And perhaps I will. We can certainly fit it into our plans. Hakiba, Naruwaru, we're going to hit them where it really hurts!"

"In the face?" said Naruwaru.

Kuichiko breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh.


	7. Chapter 7

**~Chapter Seven: If You Want Something Done Properly...~**

It was a cold, grey morning, but a few faint rays of sunlight were glittering on shards of alarm clock. Probably time to get up.

"Hey, Marisa, wake up!" shouted Reimu.

Marisa yawned, stretched herself out, rolled over, flumped down onto the plush carpet, rubbed her eyes, yawned again and leapt to her feet. "Morning, Reimu!" she chirped.

Reimu blinked. "You're certainly on form this morning."

"Sakuya stopped time for me so I could go and get more mushroom powder. And a few little extra bits and pieces." Marisa smiled mysteriously. "We both got a few extra hours' sleep, too, and she said she's making fried noodles for breakfast!"

Reimu's eyes widened. "Noodles? Fried?! Quick, where are my arm-warmers?!"

Marisa passed Reimu her arm-warmers and set about digging for her shirt. They were dressed in a matter of seconds. In two matters of seconds, Reimu was dragging Marisa down miles of shadowy red hallway to the dining room.

Reimu burst through the tall double doors, screeching to a halt beside the table. No-one was there. The table was bare of plates or cutlery, but the air carried the reassuring smell of frying food.

Marisa stepped sheepishly into the dining-room. "Sorry about Reimu, you guys, it's a completely normal shrine maiden thing... Um, where is everyone?"

"I have no idea," replied Reimu.

"Oh." Marisa glanced down at the table. A small scrap of paper was tucked under a vase of begonias. Curious, Marisa retrieved the paper. "Hey, Sakuya's left us a note! 'Dearest friends, my mistress has insisted on taking myself, herself, young Flandre and Ms Knowledge out for exercise and combat training. We will return by four PM. Since Meiling is already at the peak of physical perfection, she has been excused. Please wake her up at least an hour before her afternoon nap. Also, if you happen to run into Aya, please express to her her my sincerest apologies for the attack last night.' Jeez, that's a lot of note for such a small piece of paper..."

"She wrote me one too. Still wish I'd been able to kiss her goodbye, though..." The familiar voice of Gensokyo's greatest martial artist came echoing out of the kitchen.

"Golly, Meiling, you're up!" Marisa glanced at the kitchen clock. "And it's just a little more than an hour 'till your afternoon nap!"

"Shut up," said Meiling. "As sort of promised, I'm doing fried noodles. _Proper_ fried noodles, just like my mum used to make before she learned how to boil them. I don't suppose one of you feels like brewing some tea?"

"With pleasure!" said Reimu, retrieving the ornate ceramic tea caddy from inside her sock. Marisa's eyebrows rose in unison. "This is my own special blend, by the way, so I can't quite guarantee the saturated fat content..."

* * *

A light rain was still falling as the Incident-Resolvers stepped out onto the garden path, full of tea and noodles.

"I'm sure Remilia will understand us going now. Incidents tend not to wait around," said Reimu reassuringly. "You wrote her that note, didn't you?"

"I guess..." said Meiling unsurely.

"Here you go, China! Sorry it's late!"

A rolled-up Bunbunmaru smacked soggily into Meiling's forehead.

"Thanks for taking me to Kappa Valley last night, by the way. They showed me everything. Oh, it was such an amazing tragedy! I'm gonna do an extra edition!" grinned Aya.

"Well, great," said Marisa. "Listen, Sakuya says she's-"

"Can't stop! I've got to go and write it!" Aya's voice was already dwindling as she soared away to the south.

Meiling sighed. "Nice of her to drop in, I suppose, but I wish she'd had time to stay."

* * *

Meiling soared through the wind and rain, clutching the newspaper (which she'd read) against her not-very-waterproof chest. Although they too were airborne, Marisa and Reimu managed to effect a slow, miserable trudge, huddling up in their flimsy dresses as they drifted through the drizzle. A few fairies were playing in the rain while some hardy youkai took pot-shots at them, filling the skies with laughter and the occasional pichuuu~n.

Flying over Misty Lake in the rain was no-one's idea of a good time, so they spent a few extra minutes circling around it. Cirno waved as they flew overhead, leaving Wriggle to dangle helplessly down Hakiba's escape tunnel, having forgotten she could fly. Ahead stretched a vast absence of forest. A half-mile-wide strip of soggy brown loam faded into the misty drizzle, dappled with grey-blue puddles and the occasional splintered tree.

"Guys, you... You don't think they've eaten the forest?" breathed Marisa.

Reimu and Meiling nodded firmly.

"Of course they have," sighed Marisa. "At least trees can grow back, assuming the rain doesn't wash all the soil out to sea and turn the place into a desert..."

"It'll wash into Misty Lake, most likely. This won't be a good year for the fairies and mermaids," said Meiling grimly.

"So that's their game. If it wasn't bad enough destroying Kappa Valley and my poor little shrine, they want to choke our favourite lake with a mudslide from Hell." Reimu's fist smacked against her palm. "To fail now is unthinkable! We _have_ to stop them!"

"And feed them their spleens with mint sauce!" roared Marisa.

"I, um, don't think they're actually _planning_ to fill in the lake," said Meiling dubiously. "It could well be a side effect, I know, but it's been around for millennia and everyone loves it- waaaugh!"

Reimu and Marisa grabbed a pigtail each and surged forwards. As they soared over the ocean of mud, the half-dragon gardener flailing and protesting in their wake, Reimu noticed a little patch of black and white. A young woman was perching on half a splintered log.

"Is that Rumia?" Reimu let go of Meiling's pigtail and swooped down to the log. The woman stood (well, sat) five feet tall, her blonde hair shaven close to her scalp, and leathery membranes were crumpled beneath her arms.

"You!" Rumia of the Night leapt to her feet and flailed wildly to keep her balance. "You thought one enchanted hair-ribbon would be enough to defeat me?! Well, too bad! I, Rumia of the Night, have shaved my head!"

"How clever of you," said Reimu wearily. "Listen, we can do this the easy way or the fun-warm-up way. Where's your beloved Senpai?"

Rumia's face fell. "Kuichiko? No, she's not my senpai no more. She tried to eat me," she said dolefully. Meiling, Reimu and Marisa looked on with a pinch of salt as she began her tale. "I told her all about you and Cirno beating me up and leaving me for dead, but she wouldn't believe me. She said I was a useless wretch, good for nothing but protein, fat and some important minerals. I begged for mercy and promised I'd work hard all day, so she put me on ploughing duty." Rumia sighed. "I've got four hours to plough a million square miles of wet, horrible, sticky mud and bits of wood, or else I get eaten alive."

"Gee, that's harsh..." said Marisa anxiously.

"It'll teach you not to eat people willy-nilly, though, won't it?" observed Meiling.

Rumia blinked. "I don't follow."

"I mean, well, you understand how scary it is when someone wants to eat you, right?"

"Um..." said Rumia, scratching her head.

"Shut up, Meiling. Listen, Rumia, it's in your best interest to help us now. Kuichiko and her sisters won't be in a position to eat you if we defeat them. Does that make sense?" said Reimu.

"Um, yeah, sort of..."

"Great! Where do they live, then?"

"A couple of miles yonder. Keep going over the mud until you come to a hole in the ground as big as Misty Lake, then fly over the hole until you reach a big, fancy house. The door's missing, so you won't be able to knock on it. Just shout, someone'll come along sooner or later," said Rumia matter-of-factly.

"O...kay." Reimu reached for Meiling's pigtail, but thought better of it when a seven-coloured fist entered her field of view. "Thank you for the advice, Rumia. Now let's go!"

Rumia looked on in satisfaction as the Incident-Resolvers soared out over the work-in-progress field. Was it just her or was the rain easing off? Probably just as well; she needed to be halfway to Australia before the Agohakas got back from their day out.

...Wait.

"Oh, crud! I forgot!" wailed Rumia, smacking her forehead with enough force to pitch herself off the log and into the mud. "Wait! They're not at home! You'll have to let yourselves in! LOOK FOR THE SPARE KEY IN THE SUNFLOWER PATCH!"

* * *

Words struggled to do justice to the Agohakas' garden. The ground fell away in front of the weathered garden path, opening out into a vast stone bowl that looked as if it had been carved out by an ice cream scoop as big as Youkai Mountain. The soil gave way to hardened loam, shiny grey stone and dozens more strata, circling down to a mighty pillar of rock crowned by bright green grass. The walls of the crater were peppered with dark, round holes. Squirming grey-brown cylinders snaked in and out of the holes, occasionally showing a gigantic mouth ringed by teeth. Far above the worms, a few sunflowers surrounded a bijou mansion, slightly weather-beaten and missing most of its original paper walls.

"MASTER SPAAAaaaa- Oh, the door's out already. Saves me a bit of work." Satisfied, Marisa touched down in front of the mauled doorframe. "After you, Reimu."

"After you, Meiling," offered Reimu.

Meiling shoved Marisa bodily through the hole. Faded reddish-brown planks clattered and creaked beneath her feet as she stumbled into the latticework wall ahead.

"This must be one of those fancy outer corridors they had in medieval mansions. They were all the rage back in, um, several thousand years ago," observed Reimu. "If I know my architecture, the inner sanctum thingy should be-"

Marisa kicked through the lattice, stepping out onto a small inner courtyard. The wet gravel glinted in the sun, crunching soggily as Marisa made for another ruined doorframe, which led to a messy, sparsely-furnished living room.

"No straw mats, no heated table... Not much of a home," muttered Marisa. The cold-as-ice table held just one vase of long-dead flowers. Marisa tipped the soil out over the floor and stuffed the vase into her pocket.

"Where are they, anyway?" said Reimu rhetorically, her gaze alighting on a battered wooden door leaning against the wall. Probably the safest place for it. "Let's search the house."

Reimu scoured the kitchen. Marisa made for the coal cellar. Meiling soon came to the bedroom, a slightly warmer room with cloths stuffed through the holes in its flimsy, battered walls. A single queen-sized mattress dominated the chamber, draped over with a warm pink duvet. It looked quite out of place in the austere, grey-brown mansion, so Meiling whipped it off and gave the mattress a quick once-over. Nothing too out of place, apart from a few holes near the top. Meiling's right foot ached at the memory of Naruwaru's terrible tusk.

Meiling dumped the quilt and set about the chest of drawers. Plenty of socks, several pairs of bloomers she had no desire to see up close, a handful of blue marbles; oh, what was this? Meiling lifted an ornate gold picture frame from under a baggy bloomer-leg. The picture inside was barely distinguishable from the yellowing paper it was printed on, but she could just make out the figures of three young youkai girls. A shortish girl with walrus tusks and a tall girl with a narwhal's tusk were snuggling up to their sister, whose big, cheesy grin took up half her face. Their small eyes and curly, gurning mouths suggested the print was at least a thousand years old.

"Unbelievable..." breathed Meiling, slipping the picture under her hat. "How did it survive this long?! I suppose there's magic that could do it, but-"

"Meiling, Marisa, come quick!"

Reimu's voice was urgent. Holding the picture carefully in place, Meiling ran out into the hallway and almost crashed into Marisa.

"Oh, hi, Meiling! I grabbed all the glowing red metal out of the basement-"

With great satisfaction, Meiling grabbed a lock of Marisa's hair and dragged her towards Reimu's voice. They burst into the kitchen and promptly tripped over the knee-high clay stove.

Ignoring her friends' plight, Reimu tore a piece of paper from the wall and thrust it under Marisa's nose. "Look at this."

"Uh, okay. 'To-do: Wake up bright and early. Have breakfast. Clear forest (Hakiba). Fertilise empty forest (Naruwaru).' Yuck. 'Annihilate Human Village, purloin rice and vegetable seeds for field-' Wait, what? ANNIHILATE HUMAN VILLAGE?! We-we-we've gotta stop them! Quick! Move!"

* * *

Reams of bullets flashed through the air under banks of grey clouds. Although she was bruised and bleeding in a hundred places, Keine fought tirelessly, hurling red fireballs and nets of blue plasma through clouds of teeth. Pillars of smoke rose from the Human Village as the villagers fled across the fields in a ragged column, watched over by a ruggedly handsome pink cloud, a woman in a blue hood, and a few terrified local warriors who were desperately hoping not to have to get involved.

"Oh, my gods, no...!" breathed Marisa, screeching to a halt beside the column. "Ichirin, Unzan, what's happening?!"

"Exactly what it looks like. We're evacuating people to Myouren Temple," said Ichirin.

"Keine won't last much longer. You've got to hurry before Miko and her Taoist cult steal your thunder," said Unzan urgently.

Marisa gave him a look. "Is that really our priority here?"

"Of course it is! We don't want the Human Village embracing Taoism, do we?" said Unzan bullishly.

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Marisa, raising her hakkero. "LONG-RANGE MASTER SPARK!"

The few villagers still within earshot erupted in cheers. Keine sagged with relief. Hakiba and Naruwaru turned in amazement as the Master Spark blazed towards them. They wheeled desperately out of the way, the spell singeing their feet and bottoms.

Marisa gasped. "I don't believe it! They got out of the way!"

"Marisa, everyone in Gensokyo can 'get out of the way'," said Reimu heavily.

"With some trial and error, at any rate," smirked Naruwaru, giving Hakiba a nudge in the ribs.

"Do you have to tease me in front of our enemies? Really?" Hakiba cleared her throat. "So, Shrine Maiden of Paradise, we meet again, and too late by half. Your people have fallen. Your city is lost. Soon, nobody will stand in the way of our feast!"

"You haven't defeated us yet, demon, and you will not so much as nibble a human while I stand. I swore to protect the balance of Gensokyo from all who would sway it, and you have tipped it far enough to forfeit your life." Reimu unlimbered her gohei and aimed it squarely at Hakiba's heart.

Hakiba's eyes narrowed. "Just wait there, Naru. This won't take a minute." She turned to the nearest building, opened her mouth as wide as it would go and pounced. Like a frenzying shark Hakiba tore through the house, the building almost flowing into her mouth as she shredded wood and paper alike.

"You take your greedy paws off, you hear me?!" roared Marisa, casting a barrage of stars. Naruwaru grabbed Keine and tossed her in front of the barrage, her battered body catching every bullet.

Marisa winced. "Sorry, Keine."

"N-not your fault," whimpered Keine, slowly passing out.

Hakiba spat out the building.

An avalanche of slightly soggy splintered wood came crashing down upon them. Reimu yelped and threw up a hasty Duplex Barrier. Marisa dove behind Cirno's long-abandoned popcorn stand. Meiling stood firm, holding the tattered newspaper over her eyes as sharp, hefty chunks of building tumbled past.

The cascade of chewed house ground to a halt. Dust drifted on the air as the last few pieces of wood clattered to the ground. Reimu lowered her barrier. "Interesting spell, but it's a bit unhygienic, isn't it? You should aim for a sleek, beautiful spell that shows the strength of your conviction, the effort you're willing to give so your opponent can enjoy the duel."

Naruwaru snorted. "Can you believe her?"

"I don't know. I think it's kind of cute, her being so stupid," said Hakiba brightly, drifting towards Reimu. "It's true what they say, naive women are definitely the cutest. Couldn't you just EAT HER UP?!"

A vast, soggy-looking cavern opened up before Reimu, lined with pearly-white stalactites as big as her legs. A tongue twice the size of a wheelbarrow lay patiently in a lake of slimy, shiny saliva. Reimu looked down with rising horror to see a vast cliff of Hakiba stretching out beneath her. Had she shrunk? Had Hakiba got bigger? Who cared?!

"Dream Sign: Fantasy-"

Hakiba ate Reimu.

Meiling's eyes went as wide as saucers. "Oh, my gods! Marisa, did-did you see that?! She just...! Disappeared!"

"NO! Oh, Reimu, why?!" wailed Marisa. "I love you, Reimu! I LOVE YOU! I know you don't wanna go out with me and Alice at the same time, but I love you all the same! Oh, please don't get digested!"

Naruwaru laughed a cruel, barking laugh, more like that of a hyena than a marine mammal. "Some chance, black-and-white. My sister's stomach acid has the power of tenfold oceans of lava! Your precious shrine maiden is as good as dead!"

"Eeeeurgh! Oh, my gods, that's disgusting!" wailed Hakiba. She spat with all her might. A soggy, dishevelled Reimu came tumbling out onto the cobblestones. "Don't you ever take baths, woman?! You taste like a compost heap!"

"Wh... what happened?" whimpered Reimu. "Did I shrink or did she get bigger or what?"

"You shrunk. She did shrink, right, Marisa?" said Meiling.

Marisa's face had turned an alarming shade of crimson. "You..." she growled, her hakkero exploding with golden light. "You greedy, selfish, heartless, disgusting, selfish, miserable, cannibalistic old-school youkai scum! Magic Sign: Stardust Reverie!"

"Good on you, Marisa. There's no need to beat around the bush. Divine Arts: Omnidirectional Dragon-Slaying Circle!" agreed Reimu.

Meiling hit the deck as soon as she heard "dragon-slaying". Reimu swung her gohei through the air, raising a tide of spell-tags and glowing red bullets to surge ahead. Marisa conjured up a whirlpool of stars, only a few of which hit Reimu's bullets.

Hakiba planted her feet, pearly-white energy crackling between her fingers. A hail of teeth met the Incident-Resolvers' tide, sparking and flashing as the bullets smashed together.

Snarling, Naruwaru called up a pair of elephant tusks as big as her arms and catapulted them at Reimu.

Meiling fired a single petal, blowing a tusk (and several bullets and part of a clothes shop) out of the sky. Without pause, she grabbed the other tusk, her whole body shaking as she absorbed its momentum. "Oi, cheap knock-off made in a country inferior to mine, catch!"

Naruwaru's eyes grew wide as the tusk zoomed towards her. "Hakiba, do something!"

Hakiba's face was slick with sweat. "I'll... try..." she growled. With what little strength she could spare, she summoned a disc of fused fangs and launched it at the missile. The disc shredded through the tusk, raining sparks and shards of enamel before abruptly exploding. Smoke and fire washed over the sisters.

Marisa whooped and punched the air. "Oh, yeah! You two are eating flame-grilled spleen tonight!"

Sagging with relief, Reimu let her gohei fall to her side. The remaining bullets winked out of existence. "Good throw, Meiling. Now, as soon as those two stop coughing up smoke, we need to separate them."

Meiling blinked. "Why?"

"Weren't you paying attention? Hakiba blocked everything we could throw at her while Naruwaru attacked us. They're stronger as a pair," explained Reimu.

"I get it. Why don't we just attack Hakiba from all sides, though?" asked Meiling.

"Because that'd be cheating."

"Oh. Of course," said Meiling glumly.

"Then we're gonna cheat," decided Marisa, grabbing her hakkero. "You can send me to bed without any supper when we're done with these two. Well, three, if the legendary Kuichiko ever shows herself. And, fair warning, I'm going to have supper anyway. Meiling, can you-"

"Why not just fire a Master Spark between them? That'd force them apart," offered Reimu.

"...Um." Marisa's face froze. "Right. Maybe. Yeah. That does make sense, actually. MASTER SPARK!"

The familiar ray of white-hot love (and plasma, electromagnetic radiation and whatnot) blazed over the village. Hakiba dove out of the way. Naruwaru, who had dust in her eyes, wheeled left just a moment too late, the Master Spark char-grilling her wing.

"Aaaaaugh!" screamed Naruwaru, spiralling down to the cobblestones below.

"Naru! NO!" cried Hakiba. "You'll pay for that, witch!"

Whatever Hakiba was planning had to wait, though, as a barrage of lightning-fast persuasion needles flashed towards her. She called up a hasty shield of teeth which sparked as the needles battered its surface.

"I'm fine," groaned Naruwaru, rising shakily to her feet. "I forgot we don't strictly need wings to fly. Still hurts like-"

"Rainbow Sign: Imperial Punch!"

Meiling socked her halfway to the town square.

"Hurts like Rainbow Sign: Imperial Punch. I like that," smiled Meiling.

Marisa laughed out loud. "Good one, Meiling. Mind if I borrow it? No, don't answer that, I'm gonna borrow it anyway."

Naruwaru lunged at Meiling with a mighty roar, her tusk thrusting straight ahead. Meiling swung to the left, the tusk slashing her shirt as it passed. Naruwaru was now stooped over beside her. With a triumphant cry, Meiling kicked the Terrafirmavore in the back of the knee, sending her sprawling on the ground.

Naruwaru rolled over and sprang to her feet in time to block a wave of glowing petals. She let out a characteristic roar and raised her arms.

Meiling's eyebrow rose. "What are you-?"

Two molars as big as wine barrels formed either side of her. Meiling had just a split second to register the fact that she was about to be chomped. "Marisa, do someth-"

The teeth closed in. Meiling pressed a palm against each tooth and pushed out with all her might.

"Do... something. Right." Marisa raised her hakkero. "Magic Space: Asteroid Belt!" An ocean of red and blue stars whirled outwards, packed so close together that even Shinmyoumaru would have to graze a few.

Naruwaru punched the first few stars into sparkling mist, getting a second's respite and some scalded knuckles for her troubles. Growling ferociously, she called up a pair of tusks and launched them at Marisa, who ducked elegantly. The tusks sailed into Hitomi's House of Sashimi and exploded.

"Can't you just bloody stand still?!" bellowed Naruwaru, weaving hypocritically between the stars. "A bone dragon should fix you, or maybe an o-dokuro."

"I don't know what an o-dokuro is, but this is definitely gonna break your concentration sooner or later," retorted Marisa.

Naruwaru blinked. "My concen-?! Oh, bugger!"

The barrel-sized molars winked out in a shower of sparkling dust. Meiling sagged with relief, her arms falling limply to her sides.

"All right, belay that 'bugger'." Naruwaru lowered her head, roared yet again and charged.

Meiling grabbed the incoming tusk a split second before it touched her tank top. Naruwaru gave a yelp, which turned into a scream as Meiling swung her overhead and smashed her into the ground.

"Owww..." whimpered Naruwaru.

Meiling rolled the Terrafirmavore onto her back and stomped on her foot as hard as she could.

With Naruwaru's screams ringing in her ears, Marisa allowed herself to relax. She and Meiling made quite a team. Her dilemma over who needed her help the most was as good as solved!

But what about Reimu?

"Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal!"

The yin-yang orbs blazed with heavenly fire as they surged towards Hakiba.

"We both know that's not going to work," said Hakiba smugly. She summoned a mighty wall of interlaced mammoth tusks clad in rhinoceros molars, planted it firmly in the ground and curled up behind it.

"Spread!" ordered Reimu. Her orbs fanned out, encircled Hakiba and surged towards her.

Hakiba yelped and soared upwards, desperately beating her wings even though they weren't strictly necessary. One orb embedded itself in the wall while the other three smashed into her feet. She howled in agony. Her ascent turned into an arc, then into a helpless plummet that flattened Cirno's stall.

Reimu drifted down to the fallen Terrafirmavore, kicking a weather-beaten popcorn box aside as she landed. "Are you awake?"

"S-sort of," groaned Hakiba. "I think I'm about ready to give you that massage now. If you'll just come a little closer-"

"Flower Sign: Gorgeous Sweet Flower!" declared Meiling. Glowing petals rained from on high. Within seconds, Hakiba was out cold.

"I... I wasn't going to fall for it," muttered Reimu.

"Sure you weren't," said Meiling. "We've just got Kuichiko to deal with now, right?"

"Yes. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but we do have her outnumbered," said Reimu matter-of-factly. "Although I'm sure they did their best, the defenders of Kappa Valley aren't especially well organised, whereas we..." Reimu's brow furrowed as she considered Marisa and Meiling. "Now isn't the time to worry about 'organisation' and 'planning'. Now is the time to let our spirits shine bright against the shadow of evil."

"We always do that," Marisa reminded her.

"True, but we'll be doing it on purpose this time," said Reimu.

"Oh." Marisa's face brightened. "Oh! By golly, you're right! We'll show that grinning idiot a thing or two. For justice, for honour, for all the people of Gensokyo, let's give it everything we've got!"

At that moment, the village shook to a deafening explosion that turned buildings to jelly and stone walls to landslides. Tens of thousands of teeth the size of meat-hooks erupted from the ground, filling the air with dust and removing Marisa's hat from her head. What she said in response was lost as the explosion rumbled to a halt, and what she said as she grabbed her hat was lost in the ensuing roll of thunder. Bolts of lightning lashed the town square as Kuichiko burst out of the ground like a red-hot iron ball from the mouth of a cannon, the cobbles cracking beneath her flip-flops as she hit the ground.

* * *

"Hey, Kaguya?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think this counts as a 'sticky situation'?" asked Mokou.

"Mmh," replied Kaguya.

"You what?" said Mokou.

"Mmmff!" snapped Kaguya.

"I'm sorry, I don't speak Hum," smirked Mokou.

With a monumental effort, Kaguya forced herself a few centimetres further out of the mire. "It is difficult to speak," she said heavily, "when your mouth is full of peat bog."

"Oh," said Mokou.

Kaguya sighed. Seeing the wisdom in her actions, Mokou sighed as well.

* * *

Drenched in cold saliva, her heart beating like a mountain-sized drum, Reimu looked into the eyes of the one who had sworn to devour Gensokyo. What stared out at her was something ancient and inhuman, far more inhuman than your average youkai, full of hatred and burning desire.

"A thousand years," snarled Kuichiko. "A thousand years of starvation, and you wonder why my sisters and I are upset? A thousand years of imprisonment, and you wonder why we make use of our freedom? You are a fool, shrine maiden. A selfish, heartless fool. You know what it is to be hungry, do you not? Aya told me of how you live in poverty, munching on grass and bark unfit for your human stomach. Do you truly believe we deserve the same fate?!"

Reimu's face coloured. As impossible as she would have thought it mere moments ago, Kuichiko had a point.

"Have you not killed so that you might feed? Have you not prematurely ended the lives of countless harmless creatures such that your own life might go on? Have you not eaten the flesh of other living things every day of your life?" Kuichiko went on. She stepped slowly towards Hakiba, holding Reimu's gaze all the while.

"Kuichiko, I've never eaten a person in my life, and the decision to eat animals was one of the hardest I ever had to make-"

" _What_ animals? Are we talking fish, pigs, cattle, the occasional goat?"

"I-! Well, all of them! I mean, there's plenty of meat available, I can easily go fishing or snare a few rabbits-"

"Rabbits! Of course! Cute, innocent creatures which can ascend to youkaihood after decades of life, and which you have the right to slaughter indiscriminately!" laughed Kuichiko. Without waiting for Reimu's response, she grabbed Hakiba by the shoulders and stood her up. "Rise and shine, little sis."

"You're kidding me! It can't be morning already!" groaned Hakiba.

Kuichiko blinked. "It... it isn't. You passed out."

"Oh. Well, thanks for passing me in again," smiled Hakiba.

"Any time. Go and see if Naruwaru's all right, would you?" Kuichiko turned her attention back to Reimu. "What difference is there, truly, between you and I? We both must eat to survive, and our food is rarely eager to be consumed. How many civilisations have you destroyed in your quest for a good meal, Reimu? How many would you destroy? How many innocent lives would you bring to an end just so you could eat well?!"

"I-! None! I'd never eat anyone!" protested Reimu.

"Oh, sure, because you're a human, and humans don't eat people. Youkai do. It's in our nature, isn't that right, Chinawoman?!" demanded Kuichiko.

"I'll break your neck if you ever say 'Chinawoman' again," replied Meiling.

"...Fine." Kuichiko's face darkened. "Look, Reimu, if you were a youkai, you'd eat people by the gallon! Don't you dare deny it!"

Reimu screwed her eyes shut, breathing heavily.

"Come, on, Reimu, deny it already!" said Marisa urgently. "She's talking nonsense! I know you wouldn't so much as nibble anyone with a soul, and as for-"

"What about you, Marisa?" Kuichiko's burning eyes were suddenly upon her. "What if you learned it was cruel to eat rice? Would you stop?"

Marisa blinked. "Well, uh-"

"OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T! You need rice to live, and no-one has the right to take it away from you!" roared Kuichiko. "My sisters and I need the soil of Gensokyo and the flesh of its people. Do you have the right to deny us that?!"

"Well, I, um-"

Reimu laid a hand on Marisa's shoulder. "Of course we do."

Marisa turned in amazement to see a serene shrine maiden, her eyes empty of fear or doubt. "Did-did you seriously just meditate for five seconds and calm down completely?!"

"Yes," said Reimu innocently.

"Jeez Louise..." muttered Marisa.

"Anyway, Kuichiko, we _do_ have the right to deny you this meal. We're not your prey. Does a cat have the right to eat a mouse? It can try, but the mouse is a living thing too, and it has the right to fight back," said Reimu severely.

"You...! That proves nothing! If the mouse was in the cat's position-"

"Tell me, Kuichiko, how many innocent people from Kappa Valley will never eat again? And how much hihi'irokane would've given you all the energy you needed without anybody having to die? Also, what exactly is hihi'irokane? I know it's some sort of magic metal, but-"

"Enough!"

"Yeah, enough hihi'irokane. That's what she asked you," giggled Marisa.

"AAAARGH!" screamed Kuichiko. A legion of teeth rose up around her, dancing in interlocking circles that blurred together and flowed like whirlpools as they poured forwards.

Reimu's muscles tensed. Her fingers tightened around her gohei. Just as the first bullets reached her, she leapt into the air, plucking a handful of spell-tags from her pocket as she soared over the teeth towards Kuichiko.

Kuichiko raised a hand aflame with silvery-white light. A barrage of long, sharp teeth flashed towards Reimu. Reimu swung left. The stream of bullets swung left. Reimu dove under the stream and sprinted right, her flight muscles straining as the air rushed past her. All she needed was a second to attack.

A small spread of stars whooshed past Reimu's ear. Kuichiko somersaulted out of the way, leaving the stars to pulverise someone's house. Reimu glanced over her shoulder. Marisa gave her a thumbs-up as she ducked under Kuichiko's bullets.

Meiling was still on the ground, weaving effortlessly through the slow-moving teeth and taking the occasional pot-shot. No problems there.

The stream of teeth swung abruptly downwards. Reimu lunged to the side, twisting her whole body past the stream, and soared up. Not waiting a moment, she loosed her spell-tags.

Kuichiko's eyes widened as the spell-tags streaked towards her. She raised her wing over her head just in time to catch the attack. Pain shot through her. "Right. You asked for it."

The thousands of slow, weaving teeth froze in midair. As one, they shot up towards Reimu.

Reimu did not hesitate. "Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal!"

Four blazing yin-yang orbs met the teeth, smashing them to pieces.

Kuichiko raised her hand above her head and roared. A bolt of lightning arced up from her fingers, burning like the sun as it collided with the lead orb and forced it back.

Marisa gasped. "Oh, my gods! That's epic! I was getting kinda fed up with teeth, but you've knocked it right outta the park!"

Sweat beaded on Reimu's brow as she pushed against the lightning, her orbs screaming as they fought for purchase. Slowly but surely, Kuichiko's lightning was overpowering her. "Marisa, for pity's sake, DO SOMETHING!"

"Right." Marisa adjusted her aim to avoid Reimu. "Black Magic: Event Horizon!"

A galaxy of multicoloured stars whirled out from Marisa's hakkero, exploding into harmless embers whenever the lightning caught one. It caught hundreds. The rest exploded harmlessly on Kuichiko's wing.

As Meiling calmly observed this spectacle, she saw her chance draw near. The teeth were thinning; now was the time to go for it.

"LOOK OUT, BIG SIS! THE GINGER'S SNEAKING UP ON YOU!" shouted Naruwaru.

"Of course she is," sighed Kuichiko. She raised her other hand.

Meiling had just a split second to register what was happening before a faceful of lightning sent her sprawling on the ground in agony. The pain was incredible, a vast ocean of searing heat that left her floundering, barely able to draw enough breath to scream.

"Meiling! No!" gasped Marisa. "Just how much lightning have you got?!"

"More than you'd know." Kuichiko somehow managed to smirk in spite of her exhaustion. "Lightning, at its core, is the purest form of hunger. The clouds yearn for electrons, which the earth is loath to give, until at last the hunger of the storm overpowers the earth and draws up an almighty bolt of energy."

Marisa blinked. "The _clouds_ hunger for electrons?"

"Yes. Lightning flows from the ground to the sky."

"More to the point, how do you even know what an electron is?! You've been sealed away for thousands of years!"

"Shut up," explained Kuichiko. "By burning hihi'irokane, I am able to generate an almost infinite supply of electricity. More almost infinite, I suspect, than the endurance of your beloved shrine maiden."

As if on cue, Reimu's arms fell limply to her sides. The yin-yang orbs turned still and lifeless, dropping like stones to the ground below and almost breaking Meiling's skull.

Marisa drew her lips back in a snarl. "Even where shrine maidens cannot, love will endure. Magicannon: FINAL MASTER SPARK!"

Kuichiko's eyes widened as the colossal ray of light blazed towards her. Bracing her wings against the air, she unleashed the largest bolt of lightning ever seen over the Human Village, billions of volts of pure energy that vied against the Final Spark. A cloud of light and energy exploded outwards as the attacks met.

Marisa's face was slick with sweat. Her hakkero was hot enough to sear her hands, but, incredibly, Kuichiko was gaining ground. Tendrils of lightning crawled over the surface of the Final Spark, probing for bits of Marisa they could shock. The fire in Marisa's heart dimmed. Her arms trembled.

The thunderbolt tore through the Final Spark. Marisa had just a moment to react before the bolt was upon her, searing every fibre of her being. She could do nothing but scream as she fell helplessly from the sky.

"Hold on, Marisa! I'll catch y-"

As soon as Reimu touched Marisa, the lightning was upon her too. They collapsed in a heap on top of Meiling, who was promptly lightninged to within an inch of her life as well.

"Too easy," chuckled Kuichiko. "Anyway, you two, I've got all the hihi'irokane out of the mines. Did you get any seeds?"

"...Whuh? Seeds? Oh, yeah, right." Hakiba fished around in her pocket. Her face brightened. "They're all right! Rice, horseradish, poppies and wheat, all ready for planting."

"Great! I got some cucumber seeds and a sprouting potato," smiled Naruwaru.

"In that case, our work here is done," said Kuichiko, satisfied. "Who do you fancy eating?"

"The ginger!" said Naruwaru instantly, licking her lips.

"Are you sure? We could use some slaves with her experience."

"She looks so tasty, though! We can use the sunflower lady for farming."

"Fair enough. Hakiba, what about you?"

"I'll have the shrine maiden, once I've washed her and put her in a sandwich," said Hakiba eagerly.

"Leaving me with the witch. We'll turn Keine into jerky or something," decided Kuichiko, heading over to Marisa.

Marisa let out a whimper as the Terrafirmavore's hands closed around her shoulders and raised her to her feet. How did Kuichiko plan on eating her? Was she going shrink her, or was it some kind of localised dimensional effect? She suspected it was the latter, but this was a pretty desperate way to find out.

"Please..." Marisa groaned. "Don't eat Alice. Sh-she's a great cook; you won't regret keeping her around. And, um, Rinnosuke makes the best fruit smoothies-"

"Forbidden Barrage: Counter-Clock!"

"Scarlet Meister!"

"Illusion Ghost: Jack the Ludo Bile!"

"Metal and Water Sign: Mercury Poison!"

Kuichiko's eyes went as wide as saucers. "What the-?!"

A hurricane of bullets bowled her off her feet and into Naruwaru's arms. Naruwaru was bowled off her feet shortly thereafter, coming to an eventual stop in a pile of rubble. Hakiba landed on top of them.

Marisa's eyes lit up with joy. "Sakuya! Patchouli! Remilia! Flandre! You came for us!"

"We came for tea and cake," admitted Remilia, drifting down to the relieved witch. "Then we saw what was going on, and we had to intervene."

"I believe it's safe to say our training is on hold for the moment. Do any of you wish to surrender?" asked Sakuya.

Hakiba, Naruwaru and Kuichiko all shook their heads.

"This is nothing but a minor setback, you bloodsucking brats. Naruwaru, summon the Devourers," growled Kuichiko.

"Sure. How many?"

"All of them."

Naruwaru's eyes widened. "All of them?! But that could kill me!"

"...Oh. Well, uh, could you manage twenty?"

"I'll try." Naruwaru screwed shut her eyes. Balefire flared around her hands as, naturally, she let out a deafening roar of effort. Sweat ran in rivulets down her face.

"Quick! Stop her!" shouted Reimu, leaping to her feet. Her legs, however, had other ideas, dropping her face-first on the cobblestones. "Owww... Sakuya, you have to-"

"YAAAAAARGHHHHH!" finished Naruwaru. The bluish-purple fire rolled down her arms and flowed into the ground, leaving her to collapse exhausted into Kuichiko's arms. "That's twenty. Time to go, right?"

"Right. There are still plenty of soft, juicy, defenceless humans without any vampires looking after them," said Kuichiko, licking her lips. "Come on, Hakiba, let's get a move on."

Hakiba and Kuichiko ascended with a few beats of their mighty wings, Naruwaru slumped in the arms of the latter.

"No! You can't get away!" With what little remained of her strength, Marisa raised her hakkero. "MASTER SPARK!"

The Spark clipped Hakiba's wing, to little effect.

Marisa swore creatively. "Will someone please do something?!"

"We intend to, believe me. What we need is a plan-"

"No-one tries to eat the Scarlet Devil and gets away with it. I am the fastest, most powerful being in Gensokyo! Prepare to die!" roared Remilia, zooming off after the sisters.

"Yay! Let's go!" squealed Flandre. She ran after Remilia, only to find Reimu's hand tugging on the hem of her dress.

"No, you mustn't! We have to protect the village!" screamed Reimu. "I don't know what a Devourer is, but I have a pretty bad feeling-"

A deep, echoing rumble sounded in Reimu's ears. The ground beneath her knees began to shake.

"It's the worms, isn't it?" said Meiling resignedly.


	8. Chapter 8

**~Chapter Eight: The Darkest Hour~**

 **OR:**

 **~Mr Kirisame Rides Again~**

The earthquake was growing stronger by the second. It reverberated through Reimu's body like the rumbling snores of some ancient beast that was about to wake up and most likely start eating people. All around her, her friends were casting nervous looks at the ground, checking their spellcards and just generally having no idea what to do.

"So, giant worms..." said Reimu, rising unsteadily to her feet. "Worms. Giant. We know they're likely to come from the ground, and presumably eat solid rock..."

"We can fly, though, can't we? We could bombard them from the air without risking a pitched battle," offered Patchouli.

"Or freeze time and kill them at our leisure," suggested Sakuya.

"Good thinking. Sakuya, you freeze time as soon as-"

A violent tremor sent Reimu sprawling on top of Sakuya.

"The Shrine Maiden of Paradise, ladies and gentlemen," giggled Marisa. "Is this a good time to mention I brought potions?"

"Proper ones?" said Reimu dubiously.

"I made them myself!" said Marisa proudly.

"That's a no, then."

Marisa pouted. "You really need to have some faith in me, Reimu." She reached into her pocket and retrieved a small glass bottle half-filled with thick, bright-red liquid, which she drank in one gulp. Strength flowed back into her limbs as the static charge left her. "Ahhh, that hit the spot. I've got invisibility potions, too! Want one?"

"Um-"

Marisa lobbed another healing potion and a small vial of greyish-purple liquid into Reimu's hands. "It might not be shock-proof, so be careful." She turned to Meiling. "Can you stand up?"

Meiling rose laboriously to her feet and accepted her vials. "Yeah, just about."

"Awesome. Keine, think fast!"

A bottle of healing potion bonked the unconscious Keine on the forehead.

"Maybe I should do it," offered Flandre, retrieving the bottle of potion. Scowling with concentration, she lowered it to Keine's lips and poured it down her gullet.

Keine's eyelids fluttered gently apart. "Whuh-? F-Flandre Scarlet?! Where am I?! What happened?!"

"I don't know. Reimu, what happened?" asked Flandre.

"Terrafirmavores," replied Reimu, forcing down a fearsome belch as the potion met her digestive system.

"Oh." A few memories resurfaced. Keine's eyes widened with horror. "The village! What happened?! Did anyone get hurt?!"

"Everyone got out safely," Reimu reassured her. "The Agohakas escaped, though, and-"

"Excuse me."

Reimu, Keine and several other people turned to see a dozen or so humans loitering sheepishly beside the bakery, brandishing makeshift staves, crossbows and the occasional firearm.

"Is it safe yet? I mean, we saw you drive the toothy youkai away," said a young woman with a pitchfork and a dangerous-looking scarf. "We'd've loved to have helped out, but, um, Hayato was worried we might get in the way..."

Reimu gave her a withering look. "If you call yourself an Incident-Resolver, you have to-"

"The thing is, there are _giant worms coming_ ," Keine interrupted. "Sure, I could've used some help, but that's in the past. If you want to live-"

"Grow a backbone and help us fight them!" snapped Reimu. "Those who can fly, take to the air! Sakuya, get ready to-"

The earth in front of her tore open with an almighty roar. A set of circular jaws as wide as a horse burst out of the ground, arcing over Reimu's head. A moist, wrinkly, grey-brown body rumbled past her, showering her with mud and assaulting her nostrils with a soggy, earthy smell. Reimu fell back, dimly aware of the worm's jaws smashing through the ground behind her as she landed heavily on her bottom. Screams rang in her ears. The courthouse turned to splinters as another Devourer poured out of the ground and aimed its ludicrous jaws straight at her. Two beady little eyes sat at what might as well have been the top of its mouth.

Reimu raised her gohei. "Divine Arts: Omnidirectional Dragon-Slaying Circle!"

A cloud of spell-tags battered the Devourer, making it screech with pain. It lunged towards Reimu.

Marisa and Meiling cast a barrage of stars and petals. The Devourer writhed and screeched, shielding its eyes with its tail as the bullets peppered its skin, only to rush forwards with double the fury.

Reimu flashed into the sky, letting the Devourer's jaws close around empty air just in time for it to crash nose-first into the ground. It reeled back in agony, leaving a deep crater full of cracked cobbles and broken teeth.

"All right! Finish him, Reimu!" suggested Marisa, punching the air.

Reimu's power poured into the yin-yang orbs, flowing easily now that she (and the orbs) had got a good warm-up. "Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal!"

The worm took an orb to the neck with little trouble, but the subsequent three orbs in the ribcage (if a worm could really be said to have such a thing) were enough to send it sprawling between the half-eaten houses.

"Marisa, how did you know the worm was a 'him'?" asked Reimu.

"Um," said Marisa.

"Just curious-"

The Devourer let out a roar. A mighty twitch of its bruised torso turned one house into rubble. Two more Devourers rose from the ground either side of it with cracking, tearing rumbles that shook the town square.

Reimu's eyes narrowed. "Flandre, Marisa, take to the air. Keine, I want you-"

"Sure, I'll fight alongside you," said Keine firmly. "Sakuya, if you wouldn't mind-"

"I'll look after anyone who can't fly. Patchouli, might I suggest-"

"That Flandre stay on the ground with you and obliterate any worm which looks close to eating somebody?"

"Sure thing," said Flandre brightly. "Meiling, could you maybe-"

"SHUT UP!" bellowed Reimu. All around them, more and more Devourers were bursting out of the ground. The villagers clung onto one-another in terror, apart from one middle-aged man with a blunderbuss, who was clinging onto the blunderbuss. "Less talking, more worm extermination, all right?"

As one, the Devourers pounced, and Reimu was suddenly alone in a maelstrom of noise and dust and huge, writhing sausages of pure muscle. The Devourers surged through the air like avalanches, barely flinching as Reimu bombarded them with spell-tags. A piercing scream and a faint "Sakuya! Sakuya, speak to me!" caught her attention.

"Don't worry, Reimu, I got her! Just shoot the worms!" Marisa plucked the last healing potion from her pocket, flashed a two-fingered salute and and flung herself at the maid.

Two Devourers were circling Reimu like vipers poised to strike, wheeling their heavy bodies through the air with impossible grace. "Um, Keine, do something?"

"Okay. Spiritual Birth: First Pyramid!"

A spread of small blue bullets got the second Devourer's attention. Three colossal balls of energy sent it sprawling along the high street.

"Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal: Spread!"

The yin-yang orbs tore through the other worm's midsection. The Devourer howled in pain as its tail fell to the ground in a shower of blood and badly-digested danmaku. Its front end dove into one of the gaping holes that pockmarked the town square, watched by another, rather worried worm.

Reimu breathed a sigh of relief. If a Devourer was vulnerable to being cut in half, this wasn't going to be half as bad as she'd thought. She glanced down at the village: Devourers were weaving in and out of their tunnels, ploughing through buildings, stuffing themselves with everything that couldn't get away. A cacophony of screams, battle-cries, spellcard names and explosions rose into the air. The battle seemed pretty even so far. Time to tip the balance.

Reimu plucked a spellcard from her pocket and took aim at a random Devourer. "Divine Spirit: Fantasy Seal: Blink!"

Reimu launched herself at the Devourer. At that moment, Keine's back garden split open as another worm poured out into the sky. Bones trailed from its midsection. Before Reimu's eyes, a new tail was knitting itself onto the bisected Devourer even as the worm launched itself towards her. Reimu grit her teeth. It _was_ going to be half as bad as she'd thought.

* * *

"M-my leg..." Sakuya's eyes were glazing over, her face lined with pain.

"It'll be fine, I promise! It's barely even a scratch!" said Meiling desperately, not once looking up from the strips of green tank top that kept Sakuya's life from pouring out onto the ground. "Marisa, don't touch her-"

Marisa poured the healing potion down Sakuya's gullet. Sakuya coughed and spluttered as the deep gash running from her thigh to her knee started to close.

Patchouli glanced over from the two Devourers she was peppering with fireballs. A terrified village guard clung desperately to the larger one's lips as its tongue tried to shove her down its throat. "Is it going well, you two?"

"I... I don't know!" Meiling took Marisa's arm in a worryingly firm grip. "Is it, Marisa? Is it going well?!"

"If you wanna keep that hand, you'd better take it off me," Marisa reassured her.

Meiling's grip tightened. "If anything happens to Sakuya-"

"Marisa, that potion was amazing! Thank you!" gushed Sakuya. "I feel on top of the world! Just show me a Devourer..."

Several Devourers burst out of the ground and came charging towards the terrified villagers.

"All right, feud over..." sighed Meiling. "Colourful Sign: Chaotic Light Dance!"

The whole group unleashed their strongest spellcards. A few Devourers dove underground with their tails between their... tails, while the rest ploughed through the hail of bullets.

"Th-they're unstoppable..." a young woman whimpered.

"I don't know the meaning of that word," scoffed Mariss. "Anyone who's not an Incident-Resolver, get down! Magicannon: FINAL MASTER SPARK!"

"Dream Sign: Bullet Between the Eyes!"

An almighty ray of light blazed through two Devourers. A third fell with a scream of agony as its eyes exploded into goo.

"Gods, what kind of spell was that?!" gasped Marisa.

"My own invention," the blond-haired man said modestly. "A shopkeeper can't be without protection, can he?"

"Guess not." For the first time since the battle had begun, Marisa took a moment to look at the shortish man fighting beside her. There was something vaguely familiar about him. Very familiar. "Wait... Dad?!"

"Marisa?! What are you doing here?!"

"Well, uh, defending the Human Village..."

Mr Kirisame snorted. "How typical of you. You're only doing this because you value every human life and you want to keep us safe from evil, even if it means your death. Oh, yes, I can see right through bratty witches like you!"

"Well, don't expect me to risk my neck dragging you out of some giant worm's stomach!"

The ground beneath Mr Kirisame's feet crumbled like chalk. He fell with a strangled yelp into the emerging mouth.

Marisa sighed. "Well, you know me and my promises. Oi, ugly, come and get me! I'm delicious!"

Meiling's eyes widened. "Marisa, what are you doing?!"

"I value every life! He said it, not me!" shouted Marisa, diving headlong into the Devourer.

"She's lost it," sighed Meiling.

* * *

"Dream Land: Super Duplex Barrier!"

The Devourer's mouth splayed open as it crashed against a shimmering wall of blue light. Waves of spell-tags tore into the worm.

"Lævateinn, I summon thee!" declared Flandre. A flaming red sword materialised in her hand. The young vampire flashed towards the Devourer, thrust her sword into its tail and unseamed it from the nave to the chops until she hit the barrier.

"Oww..." whimpered Flandre, rubbing her flattened nose.

The two halves of the Devourer fell limply to the ground, giving Reimu a far better view of its innards than she had ever wanted, and Flandre just as good a view as she'd always dreamed of. It seemed to be nothing but a stomach wrapped in muscle, with plenty of teeth at the business end.

"Well, at least now we know we can kill them," said Reimu.

The two halves began to tremble. Fresh muscle and stomach lining began to grow, followed by a coating of wrinkly grey-brown skin. Two brand-new Devourers glared up at them.

"You're kidding me!" wailed Reimu.

"Just leave it to me," said Flandre confidently. She reached out to one of the new Devourers until she found the core of its being and drew it into her hand. Gritting her teeth with effort, Flandre clenched her fist. The Devourer was promptly consumed by vivid red fire.

The other Devourer stared in horror as its twin went 'kyuu'. It leapt into the air with a scream of rage, its eyes fixed on Flandre. Or rather, its eye.

"Hey, it's only got one eye! What happened?!" gasped Flandre.

Reimu's brow furrowed. "When you cut the original Devourer in half, did you damage its eyes?"

"Ummm... No. I think I cut between them."

"You did, did you? Hmmm..." Reimu took a moment to aim and threw a single spell-tag. It hit the Devourer's eye with a terrible splat, sending a shower of ocular goo through the sky. At once the Devourer was stricken, its body writhing in agony as its mouth opened and closed without sound. Slowly but surely it fell.

Reimu stared for a moment, then whooped with joy. "That's it! Flandre, you're a genius! Hey, Keine, you've got to aim for the eyes!"

* * *

A gigantic tooth slashed Meiling's arm as another Devourer surfaced beside her, sending her flying sideways. Biting down a scream of pain, she rolled onto her feet (which isn't too hard when you can fly) and raised a spellcard. "Illusion Sign: Imaginary Flower Dream Vine!"

Waves of blue bullets battered the Devourer, pushing it slowly towards Sakuya. Sakuya responded with a handful of knives, real knives this time, which embedded themselves in the worm's torso. Screeching with pain, it dove into the nearest hole.

There was no respite, though, as yet another bloody Devourer was ploughing towards them. Meiling groaned. "Can any of you humans handle this one?"

"Well, um..." said Hayato, toying nervously with his naginata.

"HURRY, MEILING, PROP IT OPEN! I'M EITHER GONNA SUFFOCATE OR MY ARMS ARE GONNA DROP OFF!"

"Who?! What?!" There was no mistaking that voice, nor, now that Meiling thought of it, the Devourer it was echoing out of. Meiling ran to the Devourer's head, grabbed a tooth in each hand and wrenched its mouth open. Marisa burst out, covered in soil and and saliva and gasping for air, a slightly acid-burned Mr Kirisame in tow. The Devourer gave a mighty heave and coughed with all its might, sending the three sprawling on the ground.

"I... I'm alive?" said Mr Kirisame blearily. "I'm alive! YES! Gensokyo's second-hand shop industry is safe!"

"I'm glad," sighed Marisa, her face warming as tears of relief began to flow. "I couldn't let you die. I... I'm mildly fond of you, Daddy."

Mr Kirisame's eyes bulged. "You...! What, REALLY?! M-mildly fond?!"

"Of course," sobbed Marisa. "I used to think I hated you, but... I-I saw what happened to Kappa Valley, all those poor kappas horribly murdered, and, and... I realised how much you meant to me. If-if you were to die, I'd be slightly disappointed."

Mr Kirisame's face fell. "Only slightly?"

"Yep."

Meiling cleared her throat. "Um, hello? Giant worms attacking?"

True to her words, four Devourers were charging across the ravaged town square towards them.

"The eyes, people, aim for the eyes! That's their weak spot!" Reimu's voice cut through the terrible cacophony around them.

"What, really?!" cried Marisa.

"Makes sense to me," muttered Mr Kirisame.

Well, it couldn't hurt to try. Marisa took aim and fired a shot into each of the biggest Devourer's eyes. They exploded in the usual disgusting fashion.

"It may never wash out," sighed Sakuya, shifting slightly as the Devourer fell to the ground beside her. She casually flicked a knife into another worm's eyes, killing it instantly and messily.

"It's a fairly pathetic weak spot, isn't it? The eyes aren't difficult to hit," said Patchouli, killing a third Devourer with ease. "Still, we can't exactly complain..."

"Nope," agreed Meiling, killing the fourth Devourer. "If anything, this is too easy!"

A dozen Devourers burst out of the ground, a handful arcing up over Reimu, Flandre and Keine while the rest ploughed in through the square.

"You just had to say it, didn't you?" sighed Marisa.

Flandre screamed as a Devourer chomped down on her legs. Two more ploughed past Meiling and Patchouli to share a terrified villager, his spear jabbing uselessly against their wrinkled skin as they split him into two fair portions. Another worm came down on Marisa from the sky, biting her broomstick in half before she could blink. All around her, the Human Village was collapsing in on itself. An unending rumble rose into the air as the once-solid ground upon which the village had been built turned inexorably to crumbling earth.

"Aaargh!" wailed Mr Kirisame, as the ground gave way beneath his feet. Again.

"No..." breathed Marisa. "No! Not now! Not after all we've been through!"

"We've rebuilt it before! Don't give up!" roared Keine, dodging past one Devourer to shoot another in the eyes. A third Devourer snapped at her dress, only to take a Fantasy Seal to the face.

"If you ever need a plumber or a water-purifier, I'm here for you," said Marisa fiercely. She grasped her father's flailing arm and forced herself up into the air, her weak flight-muscles straining to hold them both afloat. "Dad, watch our back, okay?"

"Okay," said Mr Kirisame numbly. "But, um, when you say 'back'-"

A Devourer wheeled past them, aiming for Patchouli.

"Watch anything!" snapped Marisa. "And shoot it in the eyes!"

"Well, that's what I was going to do!" snapped Mr Kirisame. "Do you think I don't know how to kill giant worms?!"

"Of course you don't! None of us do! We're just making it up as we-"

A thick, muscular tail slammed into her stomach, knocking the wind clean out of her. Marisa plunged towards the shredded mass of cobblestones that was once the town square, screaming without sound. Where was Dad? Where was Reimu? Where was-

* * *

"No! NO! Marisa, don't you dare fall to your death!" screamed Reimu. "Flandre, for pity's sake, you have the power to destroy anything! Use it! Keine, stop messing about and-"

"Don't worry. They're quite safe."

The Incident-Resolvers turned at once to see a familiar face, framed by silky blonde hair and a pale pink mob cap.

"Yukari! You've got some nerve, showing yourself now of all times!" snapped Reimu. "I hope you're here to do something productive, because otherwise-"

"Oh, Reimu, always so eager for a fight...!" giggled Yukari, fluttering her ornate paper fan. A Devourer gave her a suspicious look, receiving a blast of primordial energy to the face for its troubles. "As we speak, I'm gapping the villagers and all your little friends to the marshes. Marisa and her darling father will live to fight another day, assuming they don't drown. The Devourers will struggle to tunnel through marshland, what with the taste. Speaking of which, Reimu, my nose tells me you've taken my advice..."

"Advice?" said Reimu weakly. All she remembered was being told to stop bathing. "Wait, you're right! Hakiba couldn't eat me because I tasted so bad!"

"Splendid! Now, would you like me to conveniently solve this whole Incident for you?"

"Well, um... Only if it's not too much of a bother," Reimu hedged.

"Nonsense! Nothing's too much of a bother for my dear little shrine maiden!" A gap opened up in front of Reimu. "Don't dawdle, now, Reimu. You can't keep your reporter waiting."

Reimu blinked. "You mean Aya?"

"I wouldn't trust her, Reimu," said Keine warningly. "Remember the Cherry Blossom Incident? The Silent Sinner Incident? Or that one time she wanted a snack in the middle of the night? Besides, you told me she started this whole thing."

"Oh, Kamishirasawhatsit, you wound me!" cried Yukari, feigning severe hurt feelings. "All I did was give Reimu fair warning of the horror that was about to be unleashed, a few short hours after I met my former schoolmates and caught up with them over tea and crumpets. Lots of crumpets."

"I knew it," groaned Reimu. "Yukari, I hope you recognise-"

"Oh, do get moving!"

Before Reimu could blink, Yukari had grabbed her by the collar and was hurling her bodily through the gap. Reimu reached for her gohei, only to find a quartet of yin-yang orbs being hurled into her face as the fabric of reality closed around her.

* * *

A small smile of satisfaction crossed Yukari's face as her gap closed. "There we go! Problem solved!"

"And what about _us_ , Yukari?" said Keine dangerously.

"Oh, have some patience, Thingyshirasawhadjamacallit, do!" Yukari chided her. She reached through the fabric of reality and pulled open a wide gap. "There you go, one fine, upstanding gap for you to traverse at your leisure!"

Keine's eyebrows rose. "And what if we don't?"

"Reimu will most likely have to face all three of the Sisters Agohaka alone," replied Yukari. "There will be little you can do to help her, save to hurry over and hope for the best. Do you not think the best thing you can do is to take my gap?"

"Well..." Yukari had her over a barrel, she knew, but Keine would never have made it as a teacher if she didn't know how to deal with people like her. "Yukari, can you tell me something? If you knew this was going to happen, why would you release the Agohakas in the first place?"

"Why, Kariumpunkala, when did I ever say that I released them?" queried Yukari.

"Um... You implied it," said Keine lamely. "Well, Reimu told me you implied it."

"Don't believe everything your hear," said Yukari warningly. "Now, come on, I haven't got all day! Your friends need you!"

Keine looked to Flandre for some support. None came.

"I suppose we don't have a choice," sighed Keine, hitching up her dress and stepping into the gap.

"Yay! I've always wanted to be gapped!" squealed Flandre, leaping headlong into the gap.

"Bon voyage!" Yukari called after them. The gap slowly shut behind them. "Yes indeedy, a breath-taking final battle! I do hope Reimu doesn't get too lonely without all her comrades..."

* * *

"What the-?! Where are we?!"

"I'm alive! I'm alive! Oh, Kanako be praised!"

"The worms! They're gone!"

"I'm bleeding to death! I'm bleeding to death! Please, Kanako, I promise I won't ever say your big circle of rope looks stupid again!"

By and large, the villagers established that the worms were gone, the village was gone, and they seemed to be in some sort of marshland. Most of them had landed feet-first, allowing the bog to get a firm grip before they knew what was happening.

"Why?" Mr Kirisame demanded of the universe at large. "Why? Why me? Why this particular bog? Why now? And more to the point, why?!"

"Speak for yourself, Dad. I almost drowned here a couple of days ago," said Marisa archly. She was perched precariously in a small pine tree, her dress impaled on at least twenty separate branches. "You've got a good point, though. Why?"

"Because Yukari," said Sakuya, who was standing primly on top of the peat. "Meiling, can you-"

"Change my name to Morecambe Bay Coastguard? Fair enough," sighed Meiling, clambering out of the sucking mire with remarkably little effort. "Anyone drowning?"

Something stirred beneath Sakuya's foot, pushing upwards with sudden force. A head was emerging from the bog, its skin smeared with greyish-brownish-greenish-brown mud, its long hair matted and filthy beyond belief. Sakuya gasped."By all the gods, a mud youkai, and for real this time! Hold on, Meiling, I'll protect you!"

"Hey, don't you think she looks a bit like Mokou?" muttered Marisa. "Same sort of hair-ribbons, same bored look on her face... Same voice saying 'I'm Mokou, you idiot!'... Hey, wait a minute, it's Mokou! Sakuya, hold it!"

"Yes, hold it!" spluttered Mokou, spitting out a few more globules of mud. "For Amaterasu's sake, we've been here for days! Are you lot getting us out or what?!"

Sakuya let out a whimper. "M-Mokou? Not a mud youkai? I feel like such an imbecile..."

"Wait, did you say 'we'? Is someone else in there too?!" cried Mr Kirisame.

"Yeah. Her Royal Loonyness, Princess 'I-Can-Take-Any-Terrafirmavore-Blindfolded' Kaguya Houraisan the Stupid!" declared Mokou. Her eyes grew moist with tears. "Please get her out. I-I couldn't bear the thought of her being-"

"Aiyeeee!" wailed Keine, falling head-first in the bog.

"Yippee! Oh, boy, what a ride!" squealed Flandre, landing on top of Marisa. "Yukari, Yukari, please can we do it again? Pretty please with sugar on?"

Mokou's ears pricked up at the unmistakable voice of her dearest friend. "Hey, is that Keine?!"

"Pain..." groaned Marisa. "Flandre, what in the world?!"

"Yukari gapped us!" explained Flandre.

"Of course," sighed Meling.

Keine's head emerged from the mire with a satisfying pop. She floated unsteadily to dry land. "Any ideas where we are?"

"Keine, I've missed you so much!" cried Mokou, moving to glomp Keine with all her might. The bog intervened, sending her sprawling.

Keine looked about herself in amazement. "Mokou?! Wait, Patchouli?! Meiling?! Sakuya?! But-but where's Reimu and the Terrafirmavores and Remilia and Aya and everyone?! What's Yukari done to us?!"

"It was _horrible_ , Keine. So many days alone with Kaguya... We told each other stories, played I-Spy, sang songs, did each other's hair, had quicksand agaric for dinner every night- I tried to cook them once, but I burned my hands to a crisp- oh, it was too awful for words! There's so much I don't want to tell you!" squealed Mokou.

"Yes, fine, later. Listen, Yukari's betrayed us! Reimu's probably going to die! We need to do something, and fast. Meiling, stop lazing around and dig everyone out of the mud!" ordered Keine.

* * *

Although the rain had stopped a while ago, the air felt cold and clammy as Reimu floated out of the gap. She was above a soggy brown field littered with pieces of splintered wood. The Agohakas' back garden.

"Flandre? Keine? Are you coming?"

There was no reply. Reimu's brow furrowed. She glanced over her shoulder just in time to see the rend in the fabric of reality shut with a satisfying "vwoooorp".

"Ohhhh, _gods..._ Yukari, you're a stupid, selfish pranny," sighed Reimu. "But that's a matter for another day, I suppose. I can wait until they-"

A blinding light erupted from the Agohakas' distant mansion, gleaming against the clouds and casting shadows throughout the forest. Reimu's eyes widened. Only Aya's camera could do that. And what about Remilia?! In the chaos of the worm attack, she'd forgotten her completely. One vampire (and maybe a stupid tengu) against three Agohakas. That could never be a good thing.

Reimu suddenly felt drawn to her pocket. She reached inside, her fingers closing around a cool, smooth surface. _Marisa, I could kiss you! I won't, though, because I don't want to send you any mixed messages._ Reimu downed the potion in a single gulp, retched a couple of times, and launched herself towards the mansion.

* * *

"Ayayayayaya!" Aya could feel her feathers standing on end. Lightning tore through the air around her, crackling ever closer as Kuichiko pressed her attack. A hailstorm of teeth shredded her clothes and battered her skin. No matter how many shots she fired, Kuihciko didn't even flinch. "Help! Help! Do something, Remilia!"

"I'm trying!"

An elephant tusk nicked Remilia's ear as it whooshed past her face. She lashed out with a wave of gigantic scarlet comets that trailed glowing red bullets. One comet impaled itself on Naruwaru's tusk. She grunted, took the comet with both hands and hurled it at her enemy. Remilia's eyes widened. Not even Tenshi had tried that before.

Remilia swooped down as the comet roared overhead. Snarling vampirically, she raised Gungnir and aimed it at the Terrafirmavore's face. Naruwaru's muscles tensed. Remilia spun on her heel (even though it wasn't technically touching anything) and catapulted her spear into Kuichiko's heart.

Kuichiko screamed with pain. Naruwaru gasped and screamed with horror. Aya sagged with relief. Remilia stuck her tongue out at Naruwaru, who lunged forwards to rip it out of her mouth. Remilia quickly retracted her tongue, readying a spread of shimmering crimson daggers.

"Good team effort, Remilia, old mate! Now let's wrap this up!" shouted Aya, plucking a leaf-shaped fan from her pocket. "Wind God Sign: Thousand-Yard Nose!"

"Bugger that," said Kuichiko, sending several thousand volts coursing through Aya's body. Aya plummeted with a wail and a terrible crash, taking much of the mansion's roof with her.

Remilia's eyes widened. "But-but I just killed you!"

A bolt of lightning tore through Remilia. Her voice turned instantly to a scream of pain as every fibre of her being received an overdose of electrons. She staggered and fell to her knees, which wasn't at all easy in midair, and would have made Kuichiko laugh her head off in any other situation.

The lightning winked out as suddenly as it had begun. Remilia let out a magnificent groan. Although every part of her body was begging for mercy, she had to fight on. For Flandre. For Sakuya, Meiling, Patchouli and all the good people of Gensokyo. And for their delicious blood. With a ferocious snarl, Remilia forced herself up onto her feet, bracing the spear she was no longer holding against the nonexistent ground.

"You're... You're not surrendering? You're not writhing around in agony?!" cried Kuichiko, unable to believe what she was seeing.

"It'll take more than one bolt of lightning to vanquish the Scarlet Devil," said Remilia haughtily. "And I fully intend to get out of the way of the next-"

Naruwaru beaned her upside the head with a whale's jawbone.

Remilia's eyes glazed over. She fell to her knees, then to her face, and drifted slowly downwards like a leaf on the wind.

"Great bonk!" said Kuichiko approvingly. She tossed Gungnir casually into the ground on the other side of the vast crater, where it stuck. "Did you see anyone else coming after us?"

"No-one. We're home free!" rejioiced Naruwaru. "What's our next move, then?"

"First, eat these two idiots. Second, wake Hakiba up and give her the offal."

"You snooze, you lose!" chuckled Naruwaru.

Kuichiko nodded. "Third, we gather up the Devourers, kill anyone who got away, and scour what's left of the village for more supplies. Fourth, we head home, have a rest, eat Rumia and set about planting the fields. Sound good?"

A yin-yang orb smashed into the side of Naruwaru's head, sending her flying across the hillside. Kuichiko's eyes widened. She swung around to face the incoming shrine maiden, only to find herself being battered by glowing spell tags.

Screaming with rage, Kuichiko unleashed a storm of writhing lightning bolts which burned through the spell tags in seconds. Two yin-yang orbs were still coming for her. Kuichiko soared up into the air, lashing out with her foot. An almighty crack sent pain stabbing up through her leg as the yin-yang orb tumbled to earth in a shower of broken flip-flop. As the other orb swerved to intercept her, Kuichiko loosed a volley of football-sized shark teeth, forcing it back.

Kuichiko glanced over at Naruwaru. She was weaving desperately through volleys of persuasion needles, hardly able to fire off a single tooth. The needles were coming from everywhere, with no shrine maiden in sight.

Kuichiko's eyes narrowed. They could handle a stealthy shrine maiden. "Reimu, where the Hell are you?!"

"Right here!" A gohei flashed towards Kuichiko, its tassels glowing like the Sun. Kuichiko yelped and raised a pair of elephant tusks to block.

The gohei sparked as its unseen wielder pushed against the teeth. Kuichiko barely felt it. With a savage, barking laugh, she reached for Reimu's neck, but her fingers closed around thin air. "What-?!"

"Divine Arts: Omnidirectional Dragon-slaying Circle!"

The cry came from behind her. Before she could blink, Kuichiko was sent flying by a wall of pain. "Naruwaru, do someth-"

All four yin-yang orbs slammed into Naruwaru. She fell screaming to the ground.

"Belay that," sighed Kuichiko. "All right, Reimu, you've made your point. Now, for Amaterasu's sake, show yourself! Fight me like a woman!"

"Nope. Dream Sign: Evil-Sealing Circle!"

Kuichiko was ready this time. She fired a barrage of teeth into the oncoming wall of spell-tags, setting the sky ablaze with red and white sparks. "Too bad you just gave away your position. Taste my lightning!"

"Not a chance!" giggled Reimu.

Kuichiko loosed a mighty thunderbolt straight over her shoulder. Reimu screamed in a combination of shock and agony, but mostly agony, as she sparked and flickered back into view.

"Ha! It's true what they say, you know? Lightning solves everything!" Kuichiko laughed triumphantly.

"You're wrong, Kuichiko. I'm still going to defeat you and your idiot sisters if it's the last thing I do," growled Reimu. "You can't hit what you can't see, and you can't see what you can't... see."

"Reimu, we _can_ see you," said Naruwaru patiently.

"What?" Reimu glanced down at her now fully-visible feet. All the blood seemed to drain from her face. "...Oh. Not shock-proof. Right." She laughed nervously. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to have a tea break?"

Kuichiko's only reply was a blast of stegosaurus molars that sent Reimu tumbling head-over-heels into Naruwaru. Muscular arms closed around her legs. A cold, smooth tusk pressed against her calf. Her face was flattened against a weathered kneecap.

"Whatever you do, don't let go of her," ordered Kuichiko. Reimu winced as Naruwaru's grip on her tightened, threatening to flatten her pelvis against her spine. Her situation had gone south faster than she'd ever thought possible. She couldn't see, her gohei was gone, and she was most probably going to be eaten within seconds.

"Should we eat her now?" said Naruwaru predictably.

"No, it pays to be careful. Hold on a minute." There was a crackling roar, a flash of vivid blue and a yelp of pain. "Ah, Hakiba, you're awake! I trust we didn't disturb your sleep by fighting Reimu without you?"

"N-no. Not at all." Hakiba's voice was groggy. "Wait, Reimu?! You- you got her! Wicked!"

"I beg to differ," said Reimu sourly.

"Shut up," suggested Kuichiko. "I don't trust you to let yourself be digested quietly, Reimu. Naruwaru, throw her into the hole."

Reimu gasped. "No, not the hole! Assuming the fall doesn't shatter me to pieces, the Devourers'll eat me for certain!"

"Aww, poor little Reimu..." said Naruwaru mockingly, raising the limp shrine maiden over her shoulder in one hand. Her muscles tensed for a mighty throw.

"Freeze Sign: Perfect Freeze!"

Reimu suddenly felt smooth, frigid ice pressing into her stomach and chest. Naruwaru was encased in a block of ice, frozen as if to shot-put for eternity. Reimu could do nothing but stare, dumbstruck, as she and the ice began to fall.

Kuichiko was equal parts scared and livid. "Reimu, what did you do?!"

"You just leave her to me, big sis. I ate the forge, remember?" said Hakiba confidently, descending towards Reimu. "Don't try anything, now, unless you want molten metal vomited all over y-"

"Freeze Sign: Perfect Freeze!"

"Awp!"

Another block of ice thudded against the ground. A fairy with a blue dress and a red ascot emerged from the other sunflower patch, her eyes sparkling.

Reimu breathed a sigh of relief. "Good work, Cirno. You really saved my bacon, even though I could've arrested my fall long before-" Reimu's brain finally caught up with the situation at hand. She almost jumped out of her skin. "Wait, CIRNO?!"

"That's me!"

"You... you saved me!"

"Yup!"

"YOU?! Saved ME?! But- but- but HOW?! It's not possible!"

"Of course it's not! Doing the impossible is my job!" roared Cirno. "I am no mere icy thing, Reimu. I am the strongest of all fairies! Always fighting, always moving forwards, I am SHINGEKI NO YOUSEI!"

Kuichiko blinked.

"That means 'the Advancing Fairy'!" Cirno added proudly.

Kuichiko, bit Cirno's head off. "Aargh, cold, cold! Good grief, that's cold!"

"Cirno..." Reimu's heart suddenly felt heavy with grief. After all that build-up, the poor thing hadn't even got to use her second form. "Your brave sacrifice will not be forgotten." Reimu clenched her fists. The yin-yang orbs launched themselves from their hiding-places and flew to her sides. "Kuichiko, this ends now! Migrating Spirit: Marred Fantasy Seal!"

With all her might, she hurled out a ring of shining white bullets as big as buffaloes. Kuichiko kicked one out of the way and summoned a cloud of incisors, which she hurled in all directions. Reimu launched herself through the teeth, twisting her body to let them all pass harmlessly by. Trailing behind her, the yin-yang orbs began to glow.

Kuichiko loosed a hasty blast of lightning. Reimu dove, her hair and enormous bow standing on end as the electricity crackled above her. With a cry of fury, she launched another spread of white bullets, this time catching Kuichiko off-guard and sending her flying. Swarms of purple, white and red spell-tags came flying out from the yin-yang orbs to batter her senseless.

Kuichiko loosed a bolt of lightning from each hand, turning most of the spell-tags to ash. Both crackling rivers of pain were immediately set upon Reimu. Gritting her teeth, she arced over the nearest bolt and shot to one side. Sweat beaded on Kuichiko's face as she struggled to reorientate both thunderbolts at once. Reimu seized her chance. "Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal!"

The yin-yang orbs blazed out towards Kuichiko. Her eyes widened. Desperately, she broke off her lightning and raised a barrage of molars. She launched them at Reimu just as the first orb crashed into her stomach.

Reimu wheeled away from the teeth. One tore through her vest. Another ripped a gash in her thigh, making her yelp with pain. A smouldering yin-yang orb crossed her field of vision for a second before another tooth forced her to dive. A crackling roar sounded in her ears, just enough warning for her to launch herself up again, the lightning toasting her feet and, judging by the smell, melting the soles of her shoes as it passed.

Kuichiko swore loudly and creatively. "Can't you keep still?!"

"Never!" With a wave of her hand, Reimu lifted the yin-yang orbs off the ground and sent them ahead once more. "Can you shoot lightning from your feet, Kuichiko? I think not. Pragmatic Spirit: Fantasy Flank!"

In a second, the orbs had surrounded Kuichiko. Three orbited her feet while one sat pretty above her head. The Terrafirmavore growled nervously. "I don't know what you're planning, but-"

Reimu waved her hand. The orbs charged inwards. Kuichiko yelped and unleashed all the lightning she could muster, two blindingly bright forked beams that could just about hit all four orbs at once. She pushed out with all her might, screaming with effort. Reimu pushed back, not quite screaming but still making a lot of noise.

The two warriors slowly drifted towards each other, their bodies trembling, their faces slick with sweat. Reimu reached out across the sky, touching the white-hot power of the orbs, the abyss of hunger deep within her foe, the ancient energy that thrummed deep beneath the ground. The orbs blazed in all the colours of the rainbow as they drew upon her strength, as she drew upon the strength of Gensokyo itself. Slowly but surely, the orbs began to close in.

Rage rose in Kuichiko's heart like red-hot lava. The energy blazing through her body redoubled in strength. With one final roar of defiance, Kuichiko hurled all her fury at the heart of the shrine maiden.

Reimu felt the bolt coming before she saw it. With calm, practiced ease, she stepped out of the way, looking on in satisfaction as the yin-yang orbs battered the now-defenceless Terrafirmavore and threw her to the ground like a sack of mouldy potatoes.

"Aaghhh... I- I don't suppose I could... interest you... in a sensual massage?" groaned Kuichiko.

"Dream Sign: Evil-Sealing Circle!" replied Reimu. Reams of spell-tags battered Kuichiko all over, flashing with golden light as the power of the gods flowed into her. A glowing rope of identical spell-tags wrapped around her in seconds, slapping a particularly big charm over her mouth. Kuichiko tried to scream, but all that came out was a muffled, well, scream.

"There. I'd say you've murdered your last person." As Kuichiko thrashed helplessly about, Reimu finally felt as if she could relax. Breathing such a deep sigh of relief as would floor a lesser woman, she drifted down to a small bush. Her gohei was sticking out at an unusual angle. Slowly, she grasped the handle and teased it free, glad of the familiar weight in her hand. She glanced up at the two blocks of ice; both fine, although it looked like they were starting to melt.

Suddenly it hit her. She'd done it. _They'd_ done it. Marisa, Meiling, Aya, Remilia, Cirno, everyone; they'd fought with all their strength, given everything they had for their beloved Eastern Wonderland, and now they had finally won. Reimu whooped with joy and flopped down on the grass, ignoring the lingering moisture soaking into her dress. Between a week's worth of earth, mud, sweat, blood, saliva, stomach acid, more sweat and even more earth, what could a little water do to her?

"Mmflmflgmllflmffl..." said Kuichiko sourly.

 **~Author's Note~**

Although it may seem like it, this is not the final chapter. Make sure you have your cucumber sandwiches ready for Chapter Nine, coming soon to a web browser near you.


	9. Chapter 9

**~Headcanon of the Week~**

Eiki really loves chocolate pudding. Trying to bribe her with it is useless, though.

 **~Chapter Nine: You Can't Bury the Truth~**

A chill breeze swept Reimu's hair as she strode up the familiar winding path, her beloved yin-yang orbs trailing lazily behind her. Her three other charges were sullen, their eyes downcast as they clambered up weathered stone stairs and stepped longingly over delicious patches of andesite. And fell flat on their faces.

"Can't you untie just one of us? I mean, this is madness!" protested Kuichiko, while Hakiba whimpered and tried to wipe her bloodied nose on her shoulder. "You're making this much harder than it needs to be. I mean, you're going to seal us anyway-"

"Shut up. We need to keep moving," said Reimu, without so much as a glance backwards.

"We cannot climb a bloody mountain with out hands tied up!" insisted Kuichiko.

"Then fly," said Reimu wearily.

Hakiba groaned. "Ohhh, why did't I thig ob dat?!"

She and her sisters took to the air. Realising what a good idea she'd struck upon, Reimu did likewise.

A few minutes' flight brought them to what remained of the Hakurei Shrine. Reimu alighted in the shallow square hole that was all that remained of the courtyard and tried to pretend she hadn't almost tripped over half a flagstone.

"Okay. Right. Hakiba, if you would care to take a seat on, um..." Reimu contemplated the ruin of her shrine. "...On the donation box. It should take your weight."

Hakiba seated herself, glaring at Reimu all the while. Reimu stepped solemnly in front of her, her gohei at the ready. She took a deep breath.

"Well, get on with it. There's no way you can do a better seal than that straw hat lady did last time," Hakiba prompted.

"I wouldn't be so sure. This is one of the most powerful seals in existence, if not THE most," said Reimu darkly. She thrust her gohei into the air, letting golden rays of sunlight set the tassels aglow. Reimu's hands trembled as the energy flowed into her. She thrust the gohei into Hakiba's heart.

Hakiba let out a strangled gasp. Her hands flew to her chest. Her mouth opened and shut as she tried to scream, but no sound would come. Slowly, she toppled backwards and fell to the ground, draped like a doily over the wooden box.

Kuichiko screamed with rage. Naruwaru just generally screamed. As one, they lunged towards Reimu and crashed face-first into a Duplex Barrier.

"What the Hell are you playing at?! That was no seal! You killed her!" roared Kuichiko. Lightning flowed from her skin to tear at the barrier while Naruwaru stabbed it repeatedly with her tusk, neither of which had any effect.

"If I'd told you I was going to exterminate you, you'd have escaped," said Reimu matter-of-factly. "Marisa, Keine and Alice are watching the mountain, so don't try anything."

"Don't try anything?! You expect us to just die?! That's never going to happen! I'd rather-" Naruwaru caught herself before she said 'die' out of habit. "I'd rather, um, eat my own spleen!"

"Well, you don't have that option. If you don't let me kill you, my friends and I will do it the messy, complicated way," Reimu reasoned. "Still, it's up to you."

The lighning and the barrier winked out. Kuichiko and Naruwaru shared a long look.

"Oh, please, please don't kill me! Please!" Naruwaru fell sobbing to the ground in front of Reimu. "I'm to young to die! I never lived! You can't do this to me, Reimu! I don't want to die! I don't want to! Please!"

Kuichiko groaned. "Must you always show me up?"

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!" sobbed Naruwaru.

"...Fine. Look, Reimu, what right have you to decide our fate? Are we mere animals to be slaughtered at your lightest whim, for nothing more than seeking our favourite food as everybody does?" said Kuichiko, readying herself for an epic rant. "Our lives are not your playthings-"

Reimu held up a hand. "Let me just stop you there. When you invaded Kappa Valley and the Human Village, did you ever think about whether the people there wanted to die?"

"...Um."

"I'll take that as a no." Without so much as a twich to betray her intentions, Reimu drove her gohei through Kuichiko's heart.

Kuichiko let out a pained grunt and lurched forwards, screaming without noise, her teeth bared as if to bite Reimu's nose off. Trembling, she turned to look at Naruwaru one last time. A tear rolled down her cheek. "N-Naru, I... love..." Her eyes rolled back in her skull. She fell, almost pulling Reimu's gohei out of her hand in the process.

Naruwaru screamed again, her face distorted with fear and grief. She fell to the ground, tears streaming down her cheeks to pool around the small, deep hole she'd made with her tusk. "Kuichiko, Hakiba... I love you both so, so much." Her whole body was trembling, her face a waterfall of tears. "I swear, on my honour as a daughter of the Agohaka dynasty, I will avenge you. I'll tear Gensokyo apart with my bare hands, then I'll come and break you out of Heaven."

"Um, there's very little chance-" began Reimu, but she was cut off by a sudden sharp tremor. The ground beneath her feet was shaking hard. Balefire flowed over Naruwaru's limbs, singeing the spell-tags that bound her. Reimu's eyes widened. She leapt forwards, bringing her gohei down on Naruwaru with all her strength.

It never connected. A blast of cyan-hot balefire sent Reimu sprawling on the former flagstones, flailing wildly to put herself out. Naruwaru rose to her feet in a shower of burning golden paper, wisps of divine power fluttering away in the breeze. Reimu sighed. Maybe she should've just given them a jolly good telling-off over a nice, hot bowl of tea.

"I'll get you, Reimu. Someday, I will murder you and all your friends and feast on your hearts!" roared Naruwaru. Streams of fire swirled around her as she rose into the air. "You may have won this day, but-"

"Magicannon: FINAL MASTER SPARK!"

By the time the laser had finished, there was nothing left of Naruwaru but a huge charred crater and a slender, twisted tusk.

"She may have won this day, but magicannon: Final Master Spark. Great timing, me!" grinned Marisa. Her cheeks reddened. "Aww, shucks, Marisa... I mean, I have been practising my comic timing these past few days..."

* * *

All was calm in Kappa Valley.

"Don't you dare lie to me, you traitor! I know those solar panels are your doing!"

"Well, so what if they are?! Unlike you, I happen to know about a thing called 'projected growth', and your geothermal generator is never going to cut it!"

"What, we're only allowed one geothermal generator?! As soon as we start running out of electricity, I'll build ten more! Before breakfast!"

Several kappas looked up from their work as Shigeru Kawashiro came storming along the mostly-paved riverbank, his sister in hot pursuit. It was just under a month since Kappa Valley had heard the news, and already their two finest engineers were at each other's throats. That had to be a record; normally they'd be trying to kill each other in less than a week.

"Nitori, your brain must be made of Swiss cheese if you think geothermal power is the way forwards. There's a massive fusion reactor right up there in the sky! All we need to do is make a whole bunch of photovoltaic cells, and the energy is ours for the taking!" ranted Shigeru, almost tripping over a cucumber-monitor robot. His leg had mostly grown back, but the clunky aluminium foot still made it hard to navigate.

"For the last time, we cannot afford solar panels! You might not have noticed, lazing around in your swanky new mecha-pilot's penthouse, but our mineral reserves are gone. No osmium, no orichalcum, no niobium, no beryllium, no titanium, no mithril, no cobalt, no palladium, no tungsten, no demonite, and it'll be months before the hihi'irokane blooms again. We're down to our last bucket of copper, and I'm not gonna let you waste our supplies!" bellowed Nitori.

Shigeru dove into the river, ignoring her completely. Nitori dove after him with a scream of rage, grabbed his intact foot and yanked on it with all her might.

"Aaaargh! You stupid, self-righteous-! I'll show you!" Shigeru lashed out with his artificial foot. A twelve-kilogramme lump of metal smashed into Nitori's face. Clouds of pink blood bloomed from her nose, polluting the river a mere three days after it had been declared fit to drink from.

"Never knew I had such a strong blood-flow to the nose," muttered Nitori. "Look, Shigeru, there's only one way to settle this."

"Agreed. Five cards each, first to go 'pichuuu~n' three times loses."

"You got it!"

* * *

Marisa was surrounded by tents as she followed Keine's winding steps through the small, gravelly field. In the weeks since the village had been destroyed, the field, so long considered unfit for planting, had found a new lease of life as a refugee camp. Most of the now-homeless villagers were silent as they passed, apart from one small child who eagerly tried to show Mr Kirisame her seashell collection.

"Not bad," he commented. "Reimu, you like seashells, don't you?"

"Yeah, when there are fresh oysters in them."

The Incident-Resolvers and shopkeeper filed past the small stretch of newly-built palisade at the border of the village, then over the rickety plank bridge that stood in for North Chicken Tempura Street. A few houses were being raised from the rubble-strewn crater on stilts; even as they walked past, a man was roping his shack to the bridge to keep it from sinking as the rain gathered down below.

"It is starting to feel villagey, isn't it?" Keine commented. "I mean, people are letting their children play outside in the camp, having their lunch in the square, even getting drunk and sleeping in the rubble like they did before... The youkaiophobes are up in arms over pretty much everything... Ruined or not, this is still our home." Keine slipped in the mud and almost went flying head-first into pile of logs. "Th-then again, there's still quite a way to go..."

"Yeah. Quite a way," said Reimu quietly.

Marisa frowned. Reimu had been worrying her lately. It was nothing new for her to turn all dreamy between Incidents, spending all day napping in the sun and watching the clouds drift by, but Reimu hadn't so much as glanced at a cloud since that day.

Marisa nudged Reimu in the ribs. "Hey, Reimu, are you still upset about the Agohakas? Like, is your innocence gone and stuff? Do you wish you could just pretend all youkai were nice, pretend you could always solve problems by talking them out over tea, but you know those days are gone for good?"

"Shut _up_ , Marisa," said Keine dangerously.

"I'm just trying to help her..." muttered Marisa. Noticing the tears welling up in Reimu's eyes, she added, "Oh, no, Reimu, it's not that bad! I mean, _most_ youkai are still nice, deep down inside! This was just an anomaly, y'know?"

"I... I just wish I hadn't had to kill them..." sniffed Reimu. "I thought all the killing was behind us. I invented the spellcard rules so no-one would have to die, and those sisters killed hundreds of people. So I killed them." Reimu sighed. "I'm sorry, I... I never wanted-"

The pounding of feet set the bridge trembling. The Incident-Resolvers and shopkeeper turned as one to see a young man sprinting towards them. His hair was bright yellow and a long naginata was strapped across his back.

"Why, it's Hayato! What's wrong, another spider in the guardhouse?" asked Keine.

"No, it's Taro, his twin brother," the man said patiently. "You're not doing anything important, are you? Only there appears to be an Incident in the town square."

Keine and Mr Kirisame shared a worried look. "Not the Taoists and Buddhists at it again?!" (Ichirin and Futo had come to blows several times over who was the best counsellor.)

"We're going to lunch, then Reimu was going back to her shrine, and then... Rebuilding and stuff, I guess," said Marisa. "What's the Incident, though?"

"Shikigami! Hundreds of servants of evil!" said Taro. "Yoshirou, you'd better hide."

"Hide? Me? The hero of the Swamp of Despair?!" Mr Kirisame drew himself up to his full height.

"Define 'hero'," said Marisa, giving her father a generous helping of side-eye.

"If I hadn't got that splinter out of Sakuya's finger, we'd all be dead now," Mr Kirisame sniffed.

"Shut up! If we don't do something, they'll burn the whole village down! Come quick!" Taro turned on his heel and sprinted off down the bridge.

Reimu watched him disappear round the corner. She turned slowly and carefully back to Keine. "It's probably nothing, right?"

"It's Taro, so, yes. Absolutely nothing. On the offchance that it actually _is_ something, though..."

"You're right," sighed Reimu, unlimbering her gohei.

"Buck up, Reimu, will you? If it's local shikigami we're dealing with, they're bound to know the spellcard rules," said Mr Kirisame encouragingly. "If they're not, we'll shoot them before they can blink, of course."

* * *

At the north side of the town square, a handful of villagers were busy cementing the first few cobbles into the soft loam. It had been forced out of Kuichiko the day before the execution; it still smelled a little, but they were used to it by now.

"Doesn't look like there's a vicious gang of vengeful demons tearing the place apart," observed Marisa.

"I don't see why there would be. Most of the youkai work at night, right?" said one of the builders, a portly woman in her thirties. "Honestly, I didn't believe it until I saw it. Youkai must be pretty nice after all."

"Sure we are," said Keine meaningfully. "Don't worry about any vengeful spirits, now. Just Taro overreacting again, you know?"

"Oh, of course." The woman retrieved another stone from the pile beside her and laid it carefully in the ground.

Keine and Mr Kirisame lead the way into the town square, treading carefully around the freshly-laid cobblestones. Marisa stepped on one and fell flat on her face. The usual lunchtime crowds were waiting for their rations outside the large marquee that served as the town hall. All the families with their own groundsheet were spread out through the square while a few brave souls dined in the first few burgeoning houses. A gaggle of laughing children were playing at being shrine maidens. There was no sign of Taro.

"There's probably nothing wrong whatsoever," Keine repeated.

"You know how Taro gets, though..." sighed Mr Kirisame. "If we make a few discreet enquiries-"

"Hey, anyone seen any shikigami?!" called Marisa.

"It might just be Taro overreacting as per usual!" added Reimu, who was a fast learner.

"Give me strength," said Mr Kirisame.

At that moment, Taro came barrelling through the crowd, knocking a couple of people aside with the butt of his spear. "They're holding up the town hall! For Raijin's sake, what took you so long?! Hurry!"

The Incident-Resolvers and the Hero of the Swamp of Despair took off after him, sharing looks of alarm as he kicked a woman out of the way and barged in front of the lunch queue. A pair of colourful women with tails were talking to the elderly man at the window (a hole in the canvas reinforced with sticks), who was handing out the rice and fried pork.

"Chen! And Ran!" cried Marisa.

"Wha-? Marisa?! Reimu?! Other assorted people?!" cried Chen.

"You won't get away with this, you thieves. Taking food from a village on the edge of destruction..." Wisps of energy danced on the blade of Taro's naginata. The ration-doler-outer looked up in alarm. "Unforgiveable! On my honour as a guardian of the Human Village, I will punish you!"

"Whoa, hold on! We're not trying to steal anything!" protested Chen, raising her hands.

"Yes, we thought the free food was for everyone! It was an honest mistake!" said Ran urgently.

"Not only thieves, but liars too. Prepare to meet your graves! Attack Sign: Spear the Heart of the Night!"

"Shut up," said Keine, clonking Taro on the head with a history book. (She never left home without one.) "Vicious, Taro? Practically hundreds? Loitering with intent?! You're a nutjob."

Taro cringed, gingerly feeling his bruised noggin. "I-I was just... I thought they were stealing! It was an honest mistake, all right?"

"Well, certainly. No harm done, right?" said Ran.

"None whatsoever," smiled Chen. "I'm confused, though. Why would you need food rationing? I mean, it's not like there's been any major disasters lately..."

Taro's eyes narrowed. "Are you being insensitive to the plight of my fair village?"

Chen shot her master a nervous look. "Am I?"

"Unforgiveable!" Taro continued. "If you have but an ounce of honour in your shrivelled youkai heart, you will be ready to put some strength behind your words. Meet me outside the gate. We duel for the honour of the village!"

With that, he stormed off in the general direction of the gate. Everyone breathed a heavy sigh of relief, except Chen, who was by now convinced she'd done something wrong.

Noticing Chen's rising discomfort, Marisa stepped in. "You don't need to worry about him, you two. He was right, though; the village was destroyed by Terrafirmavores just a few weeks ago. The food rationing is for anyone left without an income-"

"What?!" gasped Chen. "W-we didn't know! Miss Ran, we've gotta do something! Like, a charity concert or something!"

"Um," said Ran.

"Lady Yukari would never forgive us for not helping! I'll go get Raiko, Benben and Not-Benben. You get Lady Yukari's snack and tell everyone about the concert, okay?" Chen went on.

"Um," repeated Ran, but it was too late. Chen was off like a shot. Ran breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh and launched herself after her.

"Something to look forward to, I suppose," muttered Mr Kirisame.

"Yeah, assuming they actually do it, which is basically never gonna happen. Nothing like a concert, right, Reimu?" smiled Marisa. Reimu said nothing. Marisa sighed.

Keine turned her attention to the doler-outer. "While we're here-"

"Back of the line," he said firmly.

* * *

"Great pork," said Marisa approvingly, plonking herself down on the loam while somehow not dropping a single grain of rice.

"It's a masterpiece!" agreed Mr Kirisame, seating himself beside her.

"Couldn't the two of you wait until we found somewhere to sit? Or at least keep your mouths closed while there's food in them?" said Keine archly.

"Shut up," the House of Kirisame said as one.

Reimu took a bite of her unsampled rice. "Not bad, I suppose."

"Not bad? Jeez, Reimu, no need to go overboard with the praise..." said Marisa, a faint look of concern on her face.

Rolling her eyes, Keine set about her own frugal-yet-tasty meal. She was halfway through it when a child's makeshift yin-yang orb ended up in her lap. Keine calmly finished her rice, staring deep into the child's eyes all the while. He ran away in tears.

"My, my, Keine...! Clearly, you have quite the reputation!"

The four, as well as everyone else sitting near them, jumped at the familiar voice of Gensokyo's most famous mob cap wearer.

Keine was the first to get over the shock. She leapt to her feet. "I've got a multitude of bones to pick with you, Yukari. What were you playing at, dumping us in the Swamp of Despair?! You-"

"Saved you from certain death at the hands of the Devourers? You're quite welcome," smiled Yukari. "Really, it's no trouble at all. Where would the Human Village be without you?"

"I... Well, um... That's not the issue at all! You were meant to gap me and Flandre after Reimu!" snapped Keine.

"Reimu handled herself pretty well, I thought." Yukari's shimmering purple gaze alighted on Reimu. "You didn't need any help at all, did you? It was all completely under contr-"

A barrage of spell-tags struck Yukari's chest. She gasped in pain and stumbled backwards.

"I'm not going to play games with you, Yukari. This whole Incident was nothing more than you messing around, wasn't it?" Reimu's glare was strong enough to floor a lesser youkai. "I want the truth. Why did you let the Agohakas free? Why did you gap Keine and Flandre into the Swamp of Despair?"

"I..." For a moment, Yukari seemed almost flustered. "My dear Reimu, I'm almost offended. If I had not gapped my hitbox out of the way, that might have been mildly painful. As it stands, I did not let the Terrafirmavores loose. I had nothing to do with it, and in case the memory escapes you, Reimu, I _helped_ you. I told you they were loose, I told you you needed stop bathing, I even gapped you right to them. I knew _precisely_ what I was doing," she said firmly, raising a hand to ward off the cries of protest which were surely coming. "In fact, I cautioned them against devouring Gensokyo. It is their own fault that they, like so many others, failed to heed my advice. My poor, dear little friends... Anyway, would a spot of gratitude be too much to ask for? Do you honestly believe you had a chance of prevailing without my aid?"

"Yep," said Reimu.

"Well, yeah, I guess..." said Marisa, staring at Reimu in amazement.

Yukari sighed patiently. "Then I should like to know how you planned to discover the identity of the true culprit, Yuuka Kazami."

* * *

Nitori took a miserable sip of her soya milk. "I guess it's a draw."

"S'pose so," grunted Shigeru. "Oi, bartender, more sushi over here!"

"Y-yes, Captain!" the bartender squeaked, sprinting back into the kitchen.

Nitori stared at her, then stared rather more fiercely at her own darling brother. "Captain?!"

"Of the Mecha Regiment!" said Shigeru proudly. "Twenty titanium warriors, each one taller than a smallish mountain! Nothing will dare to threaten my limbs- I mean, threaten the valley now."

" _Twenty_?!" yelped Nitori. "But...! But how?! Our resources-"

"If you must know, Kuichiko unearthed a massive seam of titanium, but she was too full to eat it," said Shigeru. "It's kind of hard to get at, so only Mecha Corps engineers know where it is."

Nitori's eyes narrowed. "Really? On who's authority?"

"Ummmm..." Shigeru cleared his throat. "It depends on how you define 'authority'."

"Oh. _That_ kind," sighed Nitori. "Shigeru, you should really-"

She was interrupted by the bartender arriving with a plate of sushi and a small dish of soy sauce. "Here you are, Captain."

Shigeru's eyes narrowed. "Is that salmon?"

"Um... Y-yes?"

"What do you think I am, a Norwegian?! Take that away!" roared Shigeru, leaping to his feet and upending the tray into the bartender's face. "You stupid, useless piece of working-class offal! Don't you know how to treat your superiors?!"

The bartender ran away in tears.

Shigeru winked. "You've got to know how to deal with-"

A wooden mop-handle struck Shigeru's head with a sharp crack. His eyes rolled back in their sockets as he collapsed slowly into his bowl of lemon tea.

"That takes care of him," said Kyouko, with a satisfied nod.

"I daresay it does," said Nitori shakily. "What are you doing here, though?"

"I'm a captain in the Floor-Mopping Corps!" said Kyouko proudly, pointing to the badge on her collar.

"Floor-Mopping Corps?" said Nitori faintly.

"I started it as an offshoot of the Mecha Regiment! I'm the first and only member!" said Kyouko, glowing with pride. "It was Tsukiko's idea, though. Did you know she's a captain?"

"Of what?"

"Of the Mecha Regiment."

"Wait, there's two captains?!"

"No, there are twenty," said Kyouko. "The rule is, if you pick a sunflower from the new titanium mine high on the clifftop, you can be a captain."

"...Oh. Who's in charge, then?"

"I have no idea!" smiled Kyouko.

Nitori put her head in her hands. "Of course you don't." She sighed deeply, and was about to drag Shigeru out of the restaurant and stuff him into a washing machine when something made her pause. "Kyouko... Did you say 'sunflowers'?"

"Um, yes. There's a whole bunch of them growing all around the mine," explained Kyouko. "Apparently, Kuichiko burped while she was facing that particular bit of cliff, and one of the chemicals that was inside her is making lots of sunflowers grow."

"Chemicals?" said Nitori faintly. "These Terrafirmavores really take the biscuit..." With a sigh, she rose to her feet. "Kyouko, can you show me this mine?"

"So you can make sure everyone benefits from it, not just a rich elite?!" cred Kyouko, her eyes shining at the thought of an honourable kappa stateswoman.

"No, I want to pick some sunflowers," admitted Nitori.

* * *

"I don't know, Reimu... Yuuka never likes it when we barge in and start asking questions," said Marisa, edging her broomstick closer to the grim-faced shrine maiden. "Fair enough, I do it all the time, but this isn't like you at all!"

"We need to confront Yuuka. Until we've dealt with her, this Incident won't be resolved in the slightest," said Reimu firmly.

"Guess so. I wish Meiling was here, though. Yuuka's always understood her." For the seventeenth time that afternoon, Marisa checked her hakkero; it was, of course, still full. "What's she been doing, anyway?"

"No idea."

A half-hour's flight saw Reimu and Marisa soaring over the rather stumpy ridge of hills that stretched east and west (but mostly east) from Youkai Mountain. As the ground rose beneath them, the forests gave way to grass, then to a vast bowl-shaped valley of radiant yellow.

The two friends glided down into the Garden of the Sun, watched by flocks of curious faries and a couple of sunbathing youkai. A small clearing among the ranks of sunflowers would do for their landing site.

"We don't often visit the northern half of Gensokyo, do we?" Marisa commented, touching down with a rustle of disturbed grass.

"Yes, I hear it's quite boring," said Reimu. "That, or they've got their own Incident-Resolvers who keep everything quiet. Or we're just not meant to see much of it until the next few games." She shrugged. "Anyway, we need to find Yuuka..."

"YO, YUUKA! WE'VE COME TO PLAY!" screamed Marisa.

"I-I brought tea and cake!" Reimu added quickly. "Marisa, for pity's sake, that's the second time you've-"

"What kind of cake?"

The gentle, friendly voice of the Flower Master of the Four Seasons made Reimu jump. Marisa grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly.

"Orange and almond," said Marisa firmly. "It's orange and almond, right, Reimu?"

"Um, yes." Reimu cleared her throat. "Orange and almond. The tea is my own special blend, though, so I can't guarantee the alcohol content."

Yuuka raised an eyebrow. Reimu and Marisa both flinched. "Alcohol content? But Reimu, it's tea. How can there be alcohol in tea?"

"Um-" began Reimu.

"What worries me more is the plant-based nature of the drink. You did use free-range leaves, right?" said Yuuka sweetly.

Reimu blinked. "Well... They're plants, aren't they? How do you farm free-range tea bushes?"

"By letting them run wild and free in the sunshine." A hard edge crept into Yuuka's voice. "Do you think plants live just so they can be mercilessly slaughtered and devoured by people such as you?"

"Um-" repeated Reimu.

"Then I must punish you." Yuuka's eyes flashed red. The air around her grew warm as she filled with energy. "We will duel. Seven spellcards each, no bombs or defensive magic. We fight to incapacitation. If I win..." Yuuka smiled. "You must allow me to tickle you for up to one hour with thirteen different feathers of my choosing."

Marisa's eyes widened. "But that's a fate worse than death! Reimu, you can't accept it!"

"I accept. If I win, you must explain everything, and no quibbling over what 'explain everything' actually means. Do you accept?" said Reimu solemnly.

"Of course," replied Yuuka.

"Then let's begin." Reimu rose into the air, the yin-yang orbs circling her waist.

"Let's." Yuuka had no way of hiding the sparkle in her eye as she unsheathed her parasol. "Petal Sign: Flower Shooting!"

 **Fifteen minutes later:**

"Aaaghhhh... Everything hurts..." groaned Yuuka. Her clothes were torn and her skin was dotted with spell-tags. "Marisa, I believe there was tea?"

"Here you go." Marisa handed Yuuka a bowl of tea, which she downed in a single gulp.

Yuuka smiled faintly. "Thanks, Marisa. Now, about the cake..."

"Sure." Marisa stuffed a slice of cake into Yuuka's mouth.

"It's pretty good, isn't it?" said Reimu, who was halfway through her own slice.

"Mmflmffmf." Yuuka swallowed noisily. "Yes, it's brilliant. Did you make it?"

"Alice made it," said Reimu. "Anyway, time for your forefeit. Did you free the Agohaka sisters?"

"Yep," said Yuuka matter-of-factly.

Reimu stiffened. "You... You did? And you admit it?"

"Sure."

"HOW COULD YOU?!" roared Marisa, barging past Reimu to grab Yuuka by the scruff of the neck and scream right in her face. "How could ever do such a thing?! DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! They killed hundreds of people! You turned half of Gensokyo into Hell, and for what?! Why?!"

"That sounds like five questions. I shall answer them consecutively," said Yuuka levelly. "With a spade, with a spade, yes I do, for the sunflowers, because I needed some decent compost."

"...Um." Marisa's eyes glazed over as she went back over her rant and cross-referenced it with Yuuka's response. "Compost? You mean like...?!"

"That," confirmed Yuuka. "I will admit that I made a small error in judgement-"

"Small error?! They could've eaten the Garden of the Sun!" snapped Marisa.

A flicker of fear crossed Yuuka's face, but was swiftly quashed by her usual placid terrifyingness. "They'd never do that."

"They won't now. I killed them," Reimu reassured her. "It took about ten of us to defeat them the first time, though. How would you have kept them from eating your sunflowers?"

"None of your business," sniffed Yuuka. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm long overdue for my nap. Good day!" She leapt to her feet and stormed off in the direction of her favourite napping-site.

Reimu and Marisa breathed a deep, heartfelt sigh in perfect harmony.

"Do you see what I have to deal with?" said Reimu heavily. "And you wonder why I'm not cartwheeling around the place, patting fairies on the head and sniffing flowers and stuff." She sighed. "I doubt I'll ever cartwheel again."

Marisa blinked. "Not even at Flandre's birthday party next week?"

Reimu stopped in mid-angst, her eyes widening at the thought of all that delicious ice-cream and chocolate cake. "W-well, um..."

"I get it, you just need some space. Gods know, you deserve it, saving Gensokyo and all that. You can't be miserable forever, though, can you?" Marisa smiled. "Come on, let's go back to the shri-" She winced at the memory of the ruined shrine. "...Uh, back to my place. Or Alice's."

"No, I should go to my shrine. I've been away too long," said Reimu quietly. "Maybe Genjii'll be there..."

"I'm sure he's fine, Reimu," Marisa reassured her, biting down a remark about Genjii lounging on the beach in Acapulco with a dozen or so turtles in bikinis. "I've got a sleeping-bag you can borrow until you get a new shrine. I'll drop it over tonight, okay?"

* * *

Reimu took her time as she clambered up the winding path to her shrine, stepping carefully past the familiar slippery rock that had given Tenshi a broken ankle some two years past. (She hadn't really minded; apparently it was a treat to get your first broken limb.) The rice and pork still filled her stomach with warm comfort. There were sure to be more Incidents, but right now, all she wanted to do was curl up in bed, put everything behind her and dream about flower-viewing.

She could learn, though. If anyone else tried to eat Gensokyo, they'd have her to answer to. And Aya. Making sure Aya was on the right side would be essential.

Reimu picked up her feet and strode up the last shallow slope before the torii. She smiled. "Don't worry, Gensokyo, no-one's eating you on my watch."

"You what?"

Reimu yelped, then clamped her hands over her mouth and tried to pretend nothing had happened. After a few seconds, she carefully removed them. "Wh-who's there?!"

"Well, me, of course!" said Cirno, stepping out from behind a large bush. "You really are jumpy, aren't you?"

"Well, I've just got back from the Garden of the Sun... What're you doing here, though?" asked Reimu, endeavouring to look in-control.

"Rebuilding your shrine!" grinned Cirno.

"Oh, right," said Reimu, relieved. "Wait... What?! I- I mean- WHAT?!" She pushed past the chilly fairy, ran through the torii, screeched to a halt, walked sheepishly back to the gate, bowed deeply, resumed running and then screeched to a second halt. Her jaw fell almost as far as her voicebox. "Cirno... What've you done?!"

"What've _we_ done, I think you mean," said Rumia petulantly, stepping out from the silvery-blue sliding door at the front of the all-new Hakurei Shrine. The walls, the roof, the floor, even the flagstones beneath her feet were pure ice.

"Rumia?! W-what is this?! My... My shrine...! You- you- you- you-! It- it's made of ice!" Reimu stepped slowly forwards as if in a dream. Hardly daring to believe her eyes, she reached out and touched the door. It was as cool and smooth as, well, ice, yet neither damp nor slippery. "Rumia, Cirno, how did you ever do it?!"

Cirno took a deep breath. "The journey I undertook to unlock my true powers was both perilous and-"

Ignoring her, Reimu eased herself into the shrine, still half-afraid it would melt as soon as it felt her touch. An icy tatami mat crunched beneath her feet. She stared in amazement at the carved ice altar at the back of the room, the ice kotatsu sitting pretty in front of her, the ice shelves, the ice chandelier hung with glowing icicles...

"Cirno... Rumia..." breathed Reimu. "Um, thank you?"

"Oh, it was nothing! I mean, I _am_ the Strongest," said Cirno, trying and failing to look humble.

"It wasn't just us, though. The whole gang was-"

The clumping of heavy boots followed by the thump of forehead upon low-hanging doorframe heralded a half-dragon in a dark green dress. "Aargh, stupid, bloody doorframe- Oh, Reimu! I-I had no idea you were coming!"

Reimu gasped. "Meiling?! All this time, you've been building me a new shrine?!"

"Uh, yeah. We all did," said Meiling, gently rubbing her bruised forehead. "Well, it wasn't the _only_ thing we did. There was a Devourer loose in the mansion. It wasn't pretty," explained Meiling. "Anyway, do you want some tea? Flandre's brewing some in the parlour-"

"Parlour?!"

"Yeah. In your new house," said Meiling blithely. "You had quite a lot of outbuildings before they got eaten, so Remilia thought we should sort of combine them all, make them into one big house."

"Yeah! The Red-and-White Angel Mansion!" said Flandre, bursting in through the side door. "Well, not really a mansion, more like a... Um..."

"Boysion?" offered Rumia.

"Womansion?" offered Meiling.

"No, no..." Flandre frowned. "That's a good point, actually. We're animistic, right? So if everything has a spirit, do all the spirits have genders and stuff?"

Meiling blinked. "I have no idea. Anyway, the tea should be-"

"Oh, my days, I forgot!" yelped Flandre, zipping out of the shrine. Anticipating an influx of hot steam, Cirno planted herself firmly under the freezing-cold kotatsu. She shut her eyes and breathed a sigh of ecstasy.

"Eheh..." Meiling smiled nervously. "So, want to see your new house before it gets blown up?"

Reimu's eyes were as wide as they could ever hope to go. Her mouth opened and shut without sound.

Meiling frowned. "Reimu? You okay?"

"I..."

"Yeah?"

"I...! I LOVE YOU! I want to marry you and have your babies!" gushed Reimu, throwing herself into Meiling's arms. "Oh, thank you, thank you! My own town-house! And all I had to do was save Gensokyo from the forces of evil several times! This is the happiest day of my life! Thank you so, so much!"

"Um," said Meiling.

"You can't possibly know how much this means to me, Meiling. I didn't think any of you cared," sniffled Reimu. "Now I know you care. I feel so... So loved!"

"Oh, Reimu, of course we love you!" said Rumia, hugging her warmly from behind.

Meiling's eyebrows rose. "Since when did you-"

The words were knocked clean out of her mouth by a deafening explosion that shook the entire mountain. Remilia's voice came echoing in, "Flandre, you idiot! How could you think of microwaving tea?!"

Reimu sighed and set about untangling herself from her friends. In the distance, over the sounds of Flandre sobbing and Remilia panicking, she could just about hear Sakuya cleaning up and Patchouli telling everyone to keep quiet. Cirno was industriously stripping off her clothes and pressing herself to the coldest patch of floor, a delirious smile plastered over her face. No doubt she'd be having ice-cream for dinner. By now, Marisa would be raising brick walls by magic or arguing with her father over which way up doors were meant to go. Aya would probably be writing tomorrow's Bunbunmaru, Nitori and her brother would be laying down a huge strip of bird-lime for her, and if she knew Genjii, he'd either be having an epic duel with Konngara or lounging around with a dozen lady turtles in thigh-boots. A fond smile tugged on the corners of her mouth. "Well, who wants some tea made the proper way?"

 **~Fin~**

 **~Author's Note~**

And there we have it: Destiny of Dentata, a tale in nine acts. Writing this story has been quite a journey for me; it was the first time I had a cohesive, overarching plan in mind, and I have to say I'm quite fond of the outcome.

Some of the thanks for this story must go to ZUN, for inviting us all into his Eastern Wonderland and letting us go wild. A few of the other thanks go to the Walfas Station Wagon, whose work ethic inspired me to belt out the first chapter in less than two weeks. (The other eight chapters I shan't mention.) And a final smattering of thanks must go to all the people who reviewed this story; your kind words and/or constructive feedback were a sizeable boon to me while I was writing, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

As a writer, I know I still have far to go, and I fully intend to, um, go that far. I'm going to keep writing, keep improving, and hopefully give all of you a jolly good laugh in the process, so be sure to keep an eye out for what comes next. In the meantime, have a wonderful day.

'Bye.


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